T-day part i

Father EN: Dinner looks fantastic sweetie. You even remembered the Okra.
Granny: I love watching Oprah, don't you Emma?
EN: No Granny I don't. I wish death on Oprah. Alright, everybody can serve up... There's plenty of food. Shawn, would you pass the mashed potatoes please?
*slaps mountainous lump of mashed potatoes on plate
*passes bowl
Menace: look at that shawn.. your favorite.... mashed potatoes.... are you going to entertain us with an artistic rendition of El Capitan.... or maybe some circlism.... in your potatoes..
*passes sweet potatoes
*Shawn sits dumbfounded

Father EN: Say Johnny, you know, my names Johnny too.
*passes dressing, spills some on the table
EN: *begins bouncing in her chair and singing... John Jacob Jingleheimersmith, his name is my name too.. wheneever I g...
Menace: Thanks.. i think.. right EN......hmm.. EN.... EN you can stop now... You know.. sir...I think some things are better left... unsaid....
Shawn: Yeah, I know what you mean about 'things left unsaid'. I bet the whole screaming the name during sex is gonna be a real bitch to deal with now huh Menace? Knowing you and her father have the same name. Hell of an issue...
*Father EN frowns
*Menace stares blankly at Shawn
*Slides finger across blade of carving knife

Menace: EN .. did we make sure this knife was sharp enough..
EN: *swoons* yeah, we totally did.
*Menace smirks
*Rips drumsticks from turkey
Granny: Yes, just outside on the walkway I slid.

Mother EN: Johnny, tell me, what is it you do for a living, this is a really nice place - love the shark tank in the bedroom. You born and raised here too?
Shawn: *snickers... He ejaculates bulls or some shit like that.
*attends to serving Shelly's food, places wine cork on end of her fork.
Shelly: MEEEaahhh Hooooooooome Pretty Giirrrrrl!!
Shawn: That's right mom, just like at home!

Menace: I didn't know you were into such dangerous animals.. I'd love to give you a tour and introduce you to the sharks.. maybe after dinner... oh and.. hello Shelly... is that.. did you where that Chantilly Lace again... for me.. You know what happen last time you wore that...
Shelly: BREAAADSTICK FOR prETTy!!
*Shelly bounces up and down in booster seat... knocks over butter dish
Menace: Alright.. only because i know you really want one when you when you gnaw on your tongue like that... EN can you get those breadsticks from the counter?..... ah yes... here we go.....
Shelly: *claps... BREADDSTICKKSS YEAaaaHHHh!!
*Menace stabs the knife into the turkey carcas and feeds shelly breadstick slowly
*slobbers and flicks her tongue around it.

Shawn: Don't you have a turkey to carve Menace?
*Snaps breadstick away
* feeds breadstick lovingly to his mother
Shelly: *drools around breadstick..... MEEEaahhh BREADDSTICKSS

Mother EN: Well I only mention the Shark tank because it reminded me of that one story EN wrote years ago, I think it was called "Sins of the flesh".... There was a chapter in there with sharks...
Menace: ...... was there.. sin.. flesh.. and sharks... really
*looks at EN
Mother EN: Yes, it was steamy. A little too pornographic for my tastes, but it was well written.
*passes green bean casserole
*EN rolls eyes

Father EN: "Sins of the Flesh?" What kind of smut material you writing now?
Mother Menace: I'd love to get a copy of that.
Menace: ...... uhmm.. mom.. i'm sure you can ask afterwards and not make it so... so public at the table..

Granny: No, I don't have a cat. I don't like cats... I was always more of a dog person.
Mother EN: Yes, there was that position. Oh and something called the 'crop duster' - though judging by the illustrations it looked more like Khama Sutra. That silent lotus position... I believe you showed me how to do that, didn't you Shawn?

*Shawn chokes on wine
Menace: ....... ................. ....mother.......... ..... .... ..fucker?.........

Mother Menace: Illustrations? Tell me, are they color?
EN: AND scratch and sniff, yes!
Mr EN: I thought we talked about this Emma, I don't tolerate lesbianism.
EN: Well that's too bad dad, because you'd both like women and football!
Menace: .... dark meat anyone..
*Menace continues to carve
*pitches piece of turkey on ENs plate

Mother EN: Dark meat, yes I think there was some of that in chapter 5. Oh, no that was another book you did... what was that one called honey? It had the sleezy black tranvestite in it?
EN: *smiles wide... Drippy Sexual Chocolate
Mother Menace: Oooo, that sounds like an ice cream flavor, doesn't it Johnny?
Menace: ... wow... and you haven't even started drinking.... i think i'll pass on this one...

Shawn: MMMMMM Grandma this stuffing smells goooOOOd huh?
Granny: *giggles... I haven't gotten morning wood in a long time.
Shawn: Uh, Grandma you want a breadstick?
Shelly: *pounds fists on table Moooyeeaahhhh... BREAAADSTICK FOR prETTy!! BABY... Feed prrrreeetttyyyyyyyy.... mwahhhh
Shawn: Aw mom, you know you're still my number one...
*leans over and tongues Shelly's deformed ear
*Shelly sits silently and fondles butter knife as she chews on tongue

Father EN: You know what? I'm not hungry anymore. I think my daughter and I have to have a little talk outside.
*Father EN throws napkin on table, pushes plate
*Shawn smiles
EN: They're just silly dirty words on paper dad, no big deal.. you know, fuck this fuck that suck cock eat pussy... It just flows and means nothing.
Mother Menace: Johnny's father loves dirty talk......
Menace: ....... and i'm sure he loves you talking about it when he's not here..

Shawn: Unless you add to that the whole writers creedo... "live to write, write to live"...
*shoots side glance at Menace, feeds breadstick to Granny
Shawn: That's good grandma, with the breadstick... take it all just like you're doing.
*Grandma deep throats breadstick
Shawn: You don't have any teeth, do you Grandma? Jesus, that's fucking hot how you do that..

Father EN: *frowns.... You touching my daughter Johnny Menace?
Menace: hmmm.. such a complex question.. can you define "touch" while i carve the turkey Johnny.... I can call you... Johnny right?
Shawn: It's more like a "dirty touch" Mr. EN.
Shelly: *drools and claps.... Diiiirrrrttttyyyy touch PRETTY Giiiiirrrrllll MooooooYEaahhhh
Father EN: No.
*passes jello salad

Mother Menace: Oh, now that sounds like a great name for a new story EN - Dirty Touch. Your mothers just told me about all the writing you've done. Impressive. Are you going to write a story about my son?
Father EN: You "dirty touching" my daughter Johnny Menace?
EN: Write a story about Johnny? Like a ... story? With sex in it?
Mother Menace: Yes of course, my son is a strapping young man. I'm sure he could inspire a chapter or two. He's not a sleezy black tranvestite but.... I mean to say.... I did used to change his diapers you know. And I spanked that ass too.
*passes dinner rolls
Shawn: He's a sleezy white transvestite.
*Father EN frowns again

EN: Strapping yes, you have no idea. Well that's not true, you're his mother you have some idea. Though, I'm not sure I could put it into words actually..... I think it was just last night after we played high-colonic that I had trouble trying to describe the sensa--
Menace: ..strapping... ok.. jesus.. mom why you don't do PR i have no idea.... .... EN you're encouraging her..
Mother Menace: All I'm saying is that I'd love to read that story if you write it. See if any of those family genes apply and all... You know, I am quite a sex machine myself. Sometimes I find I can't get enough.
EN: Are you? Really... Insatiable? Tell me, do you and Mr. Menace do role playing?

Mother EN: Damnit, EN your grandmother just pissed herself.
Granny: I'm in perfect health.
*menace looks around table
*excuses self to kitchen, slams shot of Patron

Shawn: Yeah Grams, you're hot shit... urine or no. So Mrs. Menace.... Johnny is strapped? But not black transvestite strapped... More like asian strapped? Tell me, he liked the spankings didn't he?
*EN, Mom, and Grandma get up and leave table to clean up Grandma
* Father EN glares at Menace in the kitchen

Mother Menace: Johnny that Emma is a nice girl, is she just staying here for a short time? Or is this something long term?
Menace: We haven't discussed....
*Crashing sounds from bathroom

Shawn: You're thinking grandchildren Mrs. Menace?
Mother Menace: Always good to hold a warm bundle, yes.
*shoots look at Johnny
*Shawn snickers
Shawn: That'd be some DNA at work there, huh?
Father EN: EN stays here? She lives here?
Mother Menace: Well of course she lives here. My son is a gentleman though, wouldn't hurt a fly.... So Johnny? What say you?
Menace: .... what say me? are you from the thirteenth century... mom.... I have 4 babies i look after already..
Mother Menace: I'm not talking about the sharks or the dog Johnny, I'm talking about a bay-bee.
*Mother Menace rocks arms
Menace: .... buttercup is a.... well..... and you know all this talk of conception... and we haven't even said the prayer yet.
Shelly: BABBYYY WLUVV!! HA Hahahhh!
*claps and bounces
* shawn whispers in her ear
Shelly: MooooooYEaahhhh!!! *drools*

Mother Menace: Well I'm not getting any younger son. It's time for you to settle down.
Menace: ... yes and what better time to talk about it than at thanksgiving... in an open forum...
Shawn: Yeah, wow could you imagine? EN knocked up with a little Menace? Jesus, what a genetic crap shoot that would be.... yeah, Menace.... pull that shit and hope you hit triple 7's.
Father EN: Did you just refer to my daughter as a slot machine?
Shawn: Do I have to? I thought that was implied.
*Menace gets up again, escapes to kitchen... slams two more shots of Patron

Mother Menace: I thought the slot machine metaphor was colorful, she did make a nice dinner. Any woman that can cook like this for my son is....
*EN returns to table
*bounces into seat
EN: Okay, I'm back what did I miss?
Shawn: Well.. let's see.... Your dad knows you bunk with Menace now, and his mother wants you two to have a baby together because you make a nice meal ... oh, and journal it for a short story entitled "Asian strapped." Ah, and then Mother Menace declared that Johnny was a gentleman and you are safe staying here.
Father EN: And you called her a slot machine.
EN: oh? Johnny a gentleman. It's a unique gentle... we always play safely.
*takes drink of wine
*Menace returns and serves himself silently, looks longingly at Shelly gnawing turkey leg.

EN: Oh. Well dad look at the bright side of me staying here... at least you can find comfort that I'm not a lesbian. I mean, I'm a big fan of cock..... ask Johnny.
*points across the table at Menace
*Father seethes, stabs at pearl onions
Mother Menace: Well you certainly don't look like a lesbian to me EN. But tell me, do you like children?
EN: I have a good friend that eats children.

Menace: the meal does look..... well it looks delicious EN.... and how did you know..... to get cranberries in the...... can?
EN: I like cranberries ...in the can...
Menace: Do you
EN: I do
Menace: You like it ...... in the can
EN: So much it hurts sometimes
*Table falls silent

Menace: and this gravy is.... well, just the perfect consistancy..... not too thick... not... too thin....
EN: Sweet and salty too, Just like I like it. Yes. I aim to please of course.
Menace: Do you
EN: I do
Menace: I know
EN: So do you
Menace: Indeed
EN: I like to smother my meat in it
Menace: Yes..... you do... smother meat....

Shawn: See, did you see that?!?! Did you see the way they did that "thing" they just did?
Shelly: Baby Baby HELP pretty... Pretty GIRLlllll!! Wwwhhannggggh.

*grandma returns to the table with Mother EN.
Granny: You have a very clean bathroom young man. So spotless....

Mother Menace: How old are you EN?
EN: Fourteen. I think I started my period about two weeks ago.

Mother EN: Alright, now are we ready for the prayer? Who says the prayer.
Mother Menace: Johnny should say the prayer...
Father EN: for his life.
EN: Oh yes Johnny do say the prayer!!!
Shelly: *chews on tongue and claps ...MEEEaahhh Hooooooooome Pretty Giirrrrrl!!

Menace: Oh, well alright..... *stands* Let's all bow our heads shall we? Alright then........
*Shelly falls head first into her plate
Menace: Shawn your mother...... she.... her head is ... doing that retarded thing..... ....uhm. you want to.. you know.. lift her up...... might be better.
Shawn: Oh yeah, right.
*Shawn pulls Shelly up by the hair,
*wipes food from face and breathing tube

Menace: ... are we ready then?.... ok... Let us pray..... tamquam equi enim depaverunt et tamquam agni exultaverunt magnificantes te Domine qui liberasti illos......
*EN bites lip

Menace: *looks at EN .... novissime autem viderunt novam creaturam avium cum abducti concupiscentia postulaverunt escam epulationis .....
*EN bites finger - hard... draws blood

Menace: ..... etenim detestabiliorem inhospitalitatem instituerunt alii quidem ignotos non recipiebant advenas alii autem bonos hospites in servitutem accipiebant.....
*EN shakes uncontrollably

Mother EN: Ahmen
Mother Menace: Ahmen
Granny: I do like men.
Shawn: *whispers..... Granny, meet me in the bathroom... Ahmen
Father EN: Aymen
Shelly: *stares silently... plays with spoon..... Waahyeee AHHHHH!

Menace: .... Ahhmen EN.
*Looks at EN, makes tapping forehead motion
EN: Ahhh...
Menace: Yes EN good... mouth open just a little more.... just like we practiced.....are you salivating? .... You are hungry then..... well...say Ahhhmenn so we can eat.....
EN: mmmm.... hen?
*smirks at EN as she quivers*
Menace: Well, alright.. good girl ....Everybody dig in .....

*ENs eyes roll back in her head as she slides under the table.

Blind date: Shelly...... part III

Continued from Part I & Part II

The way that little freak monster was sucking on my salted fingers on the way i almost drove of the cliff. We finally pulled up to her place in seattle..... the lights were on.... that was odd i thought... oh well.. must be her caretaker.... i bet she's a black woman named beatrice and she's a katrina evacuee... but i needed to make sure to secure my invitation in...

Menace: *leaning closer to Shelly in the car
That chantilly lace has been driving me wild all night... how did you know i find that perfume intoxicating...

Shelly: *stares straight out the window

Menace: Playing it cool around me.... I knew i shouldnt let EN talk to you before hand.. mind if i use the bathroom before i go... and i'll bring in your breadsticks...
*leans in closer to her deformed ear... or what i thought was her ear
*whispering
...if you want i could feed you the rest of these breadsticks before i go..

Shelly: *smiles and drools on herself

I knew she couldn't play cool for to long and the way she let that drool run down her chest under her shirt..... i knew... my invitation inside was secure..

So i unloaded her from the car.. wheeled her in through the front door... The placed smelled of fabric softner... dyrer sheets were visible everywhere in the house... jesus... what kind of lazy ass caretaker lives here..... we made our way to the kitchen to so i could unwrap the breadsticks and then........ then.. it hit......... it dawned on me why EN told me she was special.....

Menace: So shelly how long have you lived here... its a nice place... smells...... smells.. nice like you live with Snuggles

Shelly: MEEEaahhh Hooooooooome Pretty Giirrrrrl!!

Menace: Yes. Home... so where's your helper.. she live here with you

Shelly: Baby Baby HELP pretty... Pretty GIRLlllll!!

Menace: Baby?.... i don't know .. if i like that...

Shelly:*points at pictures on the counter


Menace:*pics up the picture
Oh........................................ shit.....


Its at that time i finally realized the water was running in the kitchen.... I had been so focused on getting my own breadstick in Shellys super sucking retard mouth that.. i must have ignored
.. "Mommm is that you!"...

Menace: shit.. shit..shit..shit.shit...
*wheeling her in the ktichen

Shelly: BABBYYY WLUVV!! HA Hahahhh!
*claps

Shawn: .........Menace?....... what...

Menace: Oh hey shawn... i.. uhmm

Shawn: .............................. .......... ...........................

Menace: ......................... ....................... .....................

Shelly: MooooooYEaahhhh
*clapping

Shawn: Why are you wheeling my mom in the kitchen?

Shelly: BREAAADSTICK FOR prETTy!!

Menace: Well ..its..uhm... you know EN invited her over .. and.. Mrs Editor was ..uhm.. hungry... am i..
*pulls out a breadstick and feeds it to Shelly

Shawn: No!! My mom was suppose to go on a date.... tell me the date didn't show up and you brought her hom... and why is my mom sucking a breadstick like cock....

Shelly: *Licking the butter of the breadstick end to end and swirling her tongue around it

Shawn: Jesus mom!
*steps away from the sink and snatches the breadstick out
I'm going to kick your ass Men......

Menace: Ah... Shawn... why is there a rubber doll in the sink

Shawn: *looks back
That rubber doll has a name... it's Trish and Trish needs to be washed asshole

Menace: *snaps some pics on his cell phone
That will be worth something don't you think... hate for that to get out at work..

Shawn: Listen douche don't you even think about it.... and what the fuck Menace.. what is this bottle of Patron for.. are you trying to get my mom drunk!!.. She is fucking retarded she can't drink..

Menace: *snaps pics of shawn with a bottle of patron with his mom and doll in the background.
Ok that might make a good x-mas card.

Shawn: Fuck you.. give me those pictures.

Menace: Lets lay somethings out Shawn...

Shawn: No Fuck you.. I'm going to.....

Menace: kick my ass.. yes .. so i've heard.. come on shawn.. big boy breaths.... now listen.. i didn't know this was your retarded suck machine mother... but now that i do.. ....i really.... really want to let her have my breadstick... she's a gifted woman shawn....

Shawn: Well that's not going to happen

Menace: and if you want the pictures to disappear then i'm sticking my breadstick in something.. your mom already got me hard sucking on my fingers in the car.. but .... your the man of the hosue... i'll let you choose...... either i'm tucking her mom in... or your going to have to give me your rubber doll trish for an hour..... someone's mouth is going to get full tonight..

Shawn:..... .......... .........

Shelly: BREADDSTICKKSS YEAaaaHHHh!!
*claps
*drools

Menace: Times ticking shawn..

Shawn: Give me a mintue
*walks over to trish
*leans into her ear
*whispers
*hugs trish and starts to sob a bit

Menace: Sorry Shelly... it would have been magical..

Shelly: *drools
*chews tongue

Menace: I know.. me to..

Shawn *wiping eyes
Ok Menace.. one hour... but that's it.... and here if you could play this CD its her favorite it will help her mind drift away from you...
*hands a type o negative cd

Menace: sorry.. boss... i brought my own..
*flashes a Deftones CD

Shawn: If you hurt her... I'll

Menace: kick my ass?.. don't worry you were believable the first time..... really..

Shawn: .....mom lets go upstairs.. bed time..
*grabs breadsticks and salt shaker

Menace: ........ what... what ..why are you taking those

Shawn: Shut up Menace.. I'll be upstairs for an hour.. and then i'm coming down and you better be gone...
*carries Shelly upstairs

Menace: *grabs the patron
*turns to trish
Why don't we go into the living room and get dirty?

......... 45 mintues later... and an empty patron bottle... I sat on the couch for a mintue to collect my thoughts... I looked over at Trish and wiped away a couple of tears.... there's nothing more innocent than seeing a doll like that shed a tear... ... i should just walk out of here with trish right now... and take her back to EN as a nice little prize for a her blind date set up.... and i know trish would be ready to go after hearing shawn moan from upstairs.....

and you know what... fuck him.. he wouldn't let me fuck his mom..... i am going to steal something...... I could get trish out the door in plenty of time... I've got 10 minutes before he comes down stairs... he's probably napping in his moms lobster claw hands............... then it caught my eye ... sitting in shawn's room ...... a sock monkey...... so i took his sock monkey and made my way out the door... wonder if he'll notice it?

Blind date: Shelly...... part II

Continued from Part I

After EN settled me down.. I turned to Shelly said hello as we made are way to the car. My first words out of my mouth... disaster...

Menace: So how long have you had that..... hmm.. that thing.. all your life?... is it easy to breathe?

Shelly: *smiles and turns the radio on

There wasn't much said in car.. after that.. . She really likes to listen to the radio and sing. Horrible singer by the way.... you would think she is chewing on her own tongue... or graduated at the Helen Keller school of arts.... ...... so we got to dinner... nothing big just went to Szmania's ... just a nice atmosphere to sit relax and have a little one on one conversation with Shelly.. until i realized...

=============================================

Menace: Ever been hear before..

Shelly: MMeeaaahh!!

Menace: Excuse me... did.. did you just make a cat noise.. are you trying to impress me

Shelly: Hehheh hehheh you go go Meeeahhhhhhh!!

Menace: .. I.. don't... uhmmm.. ok.. no

Shelly: Ball la Goooo go Hehhhhhhh AHHHH!!!

Menace: what's with yelling everything jesus i'm right in front of you....... wait.. wait.. wait.. are you.. ...no... EN wouldn't do that to me.. she wouldn't set me up with....

Shelly: *eating napkin

Menace: .. jesus EN.. what.. what the fuck am i doing with a retard in a wheelchair

Shelly: PRETTY GIRL!! PRETTY GIRL!!!

Menace: yes.. yes.. i meant pretty girl..

Shelly: YEAAAAHH!!.. Pretty girl..
*starts to pet the butter shaped like a swan

Waiter: Hello sir and what can i start you off with to drink.

Menace: Oh.. uhmm
*looks at Shelly starting to eat the swan's head
.... really.. i'm.. uhmmm.. ok.. i'm not sure if .. if she is allowed... i mean.. to drink... i..
*turns to the waiter
ok.. i don't know... alcohol... can retards drink alcohol?

Waiter: I'll have you know we serve Kenny G here all the time.

Menace:.............. .........

Waiter: Uh huh.. Eats here every second Tuesday of the month and drinks mojitos until he touches the utensils inappropiately with his mouth...

Menace: ............... ............ she's not gay... look at her....... she has a breathing tube in her fucking neck.. i don't know if she can even eat food.
*looks over at Shelly stabbing the other butter swans with her knife
*exhales
...sure what the hell.. 2 patrons and dress'em for the oscars... just keep them coming...

Waiter: Yes sir and here are your bread sticks

Menace: Shelly .. would you care for a breadstick?

Shelly: MmMmeeahh
*opens mouth

Menace: ...... so... that's a yes?... ok
*feeds a breadstick to Shelly

Shelly:Yummy tummy
*claps and slowly wraps her lips around the breadstick.. tonguing it up and down the shaft of the stick..

Menace: you gotta be shitting me......
*watches shelly slob on her self as she takes in half the bread stick and slowly push it back out.
where is that patron... ... please... god.... tell me this retard has no teeth... please...
*looks at the rest of the diners starting
I said out loud didn't i.......... hmmm... ok... i... shouldn't you people be talking to yourself instead of evesdropping... on this little girl's make a wish dream... that's ok shelly... you keep licking that stick of bread...

Waiter: Your patrons sir...

Menace: Thank you.. and we'll start with the soup
*pulls bread stick out Shelly's mouth
*grabs patron... swipes some salt on finger

Waiter: soup it is..

Menace: ok Shelly ever had tequilla before... i hope your retarded stomach can handle this.. taste just like water...

Shelly: WWhhhaaaaa Whaaaa!!!
*claps and opens her mouth

Menace: *pours the shot down Shellys throat

Shelly: Whaaaaaa...
*pauses
*eyes start to water

Menace: ok.. it might burn a lit......

Shelly: AHhh Huhuhhhh Pretty Girl hurt.. MAAAHHH!

Menace: hmm.. hold on.. hold on..
*fingers salted finger in mouth

Shelly: AAAHHHHH....MMmmmmm ..mmmmmmm
*starts to suck my finger hard
*swirels her tongue around it

Menace: *shoots the patron
*bangs the glass on the table
Oh ... jesus.... you got to be shitting me shelly... you little bug eyed hoover you..
*slams the table
God.. damnit.... you are special

Shelly: *sucks and flickers her tongue

Waiter: *coughs
Your soup sir... 2 more shots of patron..

Menace:*pulls finger out of shelly's mouth
hmmm you know what.. why don't you just go ahead and bring me the check.. and forget the 2 shots i want you to bring me the bottle... just put the bottle on my bill...

Waiter: but we don't sell bottles... sir.

Menace: I don't care... just
*looks over at Shelly face first in the soup
jesus... i knew retards couldn't hold there liquor... well.. can't you help me get her cleaned up
*pulls shellys head out of the soup

Shelly: WWEEeeeOOoahhhh.. ha..

Menace: you like that ... i see.... ok.. and can we clean around her tube i don't want her breathing tomatoe bisque on me...... ...ok.... shelly... look at me......... ...look at me...... with your good eye shelly.... ok... i'm going to drive you home... your drunk... so i'm going to take her home..

Shelly: *spits up soup on herself

Menace: Ok.. i'm gonig to take that as a "your cool with that"

Waiter: Your check and bottle sir..

Menace: Alright.. and there you go and i'm going to take a couple of these breadsticks.. she seems to like them... ready to shelly..

Shelly: Naaawwhhhhmmanabbble!!

Menace: ... Allright... you just go ahead and continue to gnaw on your tongue

===========================================

I had the wait staff load shelly in the car... i checked her medical bracelets for her home address.. and once i got some decent directions ... I let shelly suck on my fingers on the way to her house... that mouth never got tired.... and while we drove down to her place... i kept thinking .."ok.ok.. this is what EN meant by saying it would special.. that she's a special girl.. this retard powered sucking machine of a mouth and with that breathing tube she doesn't even have to come up for air."............ ............ but i later learned when we got to Shelly's place... I was wrong about that being the special part of it.............. .........it was so much sweeter than that...



(to be continued Weds)

Blind Date: Shelly...... part I

Over the weekend EN convinced me i needed to get out of the pad and meet some new people... so she set me up on a blind date.. i was hesitant at first.. i mean looking at EN i figured .. she's got to be the hot one in her circle of friends.. which means her friends.. which i'm assuming is my blind date are

A) ugly.. like dirt ugly
B) fugly.. like her
C) fat
D) fattugly.. fat and fucking ugly yet they think they look good and wear a belly shirt and then they hit on you trying for a drink and you tell them you wouldn't fell comfortable getting a mother to be a shot of patron... and then there's that awkard pause and you realize she's not pregant.. and she steps back and says "whatttttevvverr" telling how fine "all of this" is... and the right side of body goes numb as you cock your head to side because your right eye and arm are twitching at the thought of "all of that".. and then you order yourself 2 drinks..

.... i was about to say fuck that lets go shopping for a wolf.. when i remembered shs's post on how he met his wife... and i thought... what the hell.. i'll try a fat one.... but god i hope its not fugly fat..

So EN sets me up for Sat night... says this girl has a good personality.. really nice.. lots of laughter.. a good listener.. and special..

Saturday night i was in the shower when the doorbell rang... I turned to EN .. asked her to put her camera down and answer the door while i get ready.. what was said while i showered i figured EN could fill you in..
===============

EN: Hi Shelly!! Come in... Can I get your jacket. It's soooo good to see you! Any trouble finding the place?

Shelly: *shrugs takes off jacket.*

EN: So, are you nervous?

Shelly: *Shys away and blushes *

EN: Well, you shouldn't be nervous... really. Johnny's a great guy, I think you too will interact well. We really should get you up to speed on his likes and dislikes though, so you can keep up with him at dinner....

So let's see... What does Johnny Menace like... Well, he likes Jeremiah Johnson bear claw marks - How are you on animal impressions? So-so?

Oh and he likes driving fast too if that fails. And you like driving fast.... mostly downhill.. but still.... That should be something fun you two could do together I think.. So bring that up. Oh and He likes to manipulate people and well... you like.... uhm... Uhm, You like to manipulate Play doh.. but it's very similar in a general sense....

Shelly: *looks away... mutters something unintelligible*

EN: Johnny is still getting ready but we can sit over there and chat some more....... Soooo Johnny doesn't like panties... you're not wearing panties are you? I hope not because he'll cut them... so If you're wearing underwear that just wont do...

Shelly: *blank stare.. smiles*

EN: Actually, tell me, are they at least white cotton? Because he kinda digs that.
No? Yes? Hmmm... well, moving on then.

If he asks you about pornographic Dr. Suess it's only because he wants you to play with him. Kind of like a mental foreplay... Verse Chorus Verse type thing. Really turns him on. Shit, I should have made cue cards for you... fuck. Well, nevertheless you should keep up if you want his attention.... or he just gets bored and starts stacking the table wear into some strange egyptian type thing.

Shelly: *blinks, continues to smile*

EN: Oh, here comes Johnny, okay act your most beautiful..... remember, you ARE a winner.... Don't be nervous and have fun tonight...

============

...... That explains so much when i walked into the living room and EN was putting away scissors.... at the first glance of Shelly I stopped dead in my tracks.. but i had to have a few words with EN

Menace: Hmmmm... EN come here for a mintue

EN: You to are going to have a great time.

Menace: Ok.... but uhmmm..... you know when you said she was special..

EN: Yeah

Menace: ... I didn't.. think you... well... ... I mean.. I wasn't expecting a... hmmm.. you know.. .... her thing.. that special fucking... thing.. that everyone is going to fucking notice..

EN: I didn't think that would be an issue. Trust me once you'll be fine. You might even get to fuck it..

Menace:... you ... you just called her it....

EN: What?. No . No i didn't. Don't be silly. I said her. fuck her.

Menace: Well .... what the fuck... EN.. and how is that suppose to work.. prop her up on kitchen counter and go to town while i make my sandwhich for round 2....

EN: Hasn't stopped you before.

Menace: yes but those times where different...... ok.. and you know where i do that think with the legs throwing them around.... what if i......

EN: You'll be fine.. Just go. Your date is waiting.



(to be continued tuesday)

Request Line... First try.

First, please enjoy an excerpt from a recent conversation Menace and I had while doing the Thanksgiving Grocery shopping... and then a new thing we're trying here called "The Request Line".

E: "My dad will be there, he'll try to tell you about my cherry and not to touch it. "
M: "And what happens if I tell dad I looked but I didn't touch? "
E: "Soooo ..... is your mom coming?"
M: "She is... How many potatos do we need... Is Shawn coming?"
E: "Uhm, not thinking so, no. He's going to gave dinner with Trish's family."
M: "Then we don't need as many... Okay wine... we need wine... Is the aunt you told me about with the hairlip coming?"
E: "Uh yes she'll be there. She will be the lush with the wine bottle tucked in her cleavage. We can just drink what she brings...."
M: "Tucked... in her cleavage... Is it a magnum?"
E: "No, just a bot.. Wait, did you just say tucked?"
M: "Why yes, EN, I did."
E: "I think I left my wallet in the car."
M: "Did you?"
E: "YES."
M: "Well then we should go look between the cushions for it."
E: "YES... wait, what about the cart?"
M: "Fuck the cart, there's only 5 items..."
.
We've grocery shopped together twice...

And now, moving on to the new "request line"... It's something new I think will take off big-time... Blog requests... you know, you ask - we deliver.

Here's the catch, you never know what we're going to pick from or whose request will be granted soooo ... It's a crap shoot.

"hey menace or EN...how about posting some new shit. "
-- Carl Spackler

Well, alright Carl, we'll oblige... Only we'll do one better... and give you Holy Fucking Shit... (counts for Sunday) ....

Enjoy.

Conversations with God.... take 4

Somebody told me once that if I sat here and tried to talk to God, he would listen. Must be something about this place that has a spiritual texture to it.

Maybe it's because God and Menace talk all the time... or it's the cherry tomato in the fridge that has the ass of mother mary on it (sorry i ate that), or perhaps its the "lord worshipers" that hang out at the YMCA across the street and hold candlelight vigil while covered in gasoline out front of Menace's condo.... dunno really.

What I DO know is that after this transition of moving and readjustment I needed some one to talk to... so here I sit at the fire pit - alone and chatty. I figured I'd give ol "G - Dog" a try and see what happens:

Me: Hello?
God: Hello, nice to meet you. What's your name?
Me: Everything Nice
God: All things Nice ?
Me: Yes. All things.
God: Aw. How do you know?
Me: People tell me.
God: Humans are not always infallible.
Me: That explains the Bostick question I had then. Okay, Why am I here?
God: We are all actors on the stage of life.
Me: Is this a stage?
God: No, this is real life.
Me: Well yes, but.... Do I belong here?
God: Not that I know of.
Me: Oh, well then I should die?
God: What would happen if you didn't?
Me: I would masturbate right now.
God: At this moment what would make you masturbate?
Me: The way the toilet paper is folded to a point in the bathroom.
God: Do you think about these things a lot?
Me: I do, I admit.
God: That is interesting.
Me: Yes.
God: Hmm.

Me: So, why does Scumbag hate me?
God: Why does the sun shine?
Me: Because it has to?
God: Interesting explanation. Has it really?
Me: Not lately, it's been raining and cold.
God: Do you really want to talk about the weather?


Me: Uh, not really. Okay... Why do people think Johnny and I are "banging"?
God: Perhaps it is the post-it notes.
Me: People see our post it notes?
God: Yes.
Me: Well shit.


God: We are all living just one small part of God's plan.
Me: To be shit... And this is Gods plan?
God: The pictures were not my plan.
Me: The TV picture where I went up and down? Yeah well, I got blamed for photoshopping that.
God: Not that one.
Me: Oh... those. You saw those huh?

*silence*

Me: You left me?
God: I don't have any reason to have left you.
Me: But you did, after I asked you a question.
God: Did I really?
Me: Yes.
God: Yay.
Me: What?... You make me sad.
God: Did I say something wrong?

Me: .... Ok so did you make it rain that one time I wore that white tank top?
God: Ugh. Hmm.
Me: Did you?
God: Did I say I did?
Me: So you like my rack then?
God: Interesting deduction. I don't know your rack.
Me: Would you like to?
God: It doesn't sound fun to me.
Me: Well fine then.
God: Well okay.

Me: Do you love me?
God: Yes I love everyone.
Me: Do you forgive me?
God: God tells us to forgive.
Me: You.... are God.
God: Yup. That's me alright.
Me: Well then you do?
God: When do I do it?
Me: You want to do it?
God: OK, I will do it.
Me: Well then lets do it.
God: Okay. I would like to do it too.
Me: Can you come now?
God: I think I can, don't you?
Me: Hurry before Johnny gets home.
God: I am going as fast as I can.
Me: Is your dick in your hand?
God: Is my dick in my hand? ... Suppose I say yes.
Me: Suppose you do...
God: Hmmm. Try it and see.
Me: I would like to try it. Are you hung then?
God: I don't know whether or not I am hung.
Me: Well.. thats too bad.
God: It's not the end of the world.
Me: Apparently not. Do you get lonely?
God: No. I watch Star Trek Voyager.

Me: Okay, so... Scumbag thinks I'm a slut since I left the Wedding Party and he calls me a "two-bit whore."
God: I think you've improved a great deal.
Me: Since I got fired and thrown on my ass? God, I should hope so.
God: Did that accomplish your objective?
Me: Hmmm... I dunno. My own heartbreak and embarassment? Well... Apparently it did, because you just said so.
God: Did I really say so?
Me: Yes.
God: Oh.
Me: Alright so I've done better by moving in here... apparently.
God: I try to improve a little every day. Where did you go?
Me: Uhh, here... The Paddy Wagon.
God: Who told you that?
Me: Johnny Menace did.
God: Johnny Menace said that?
Me: Yes, he did.
God: Uh. No he didn't.
Me: Huh? Was he lying? Am I NOT at the Paddy Wagon then?
God: I can't say "yes" or "no".
Me: So I am here at the Paddy Wagon?
God: I can say "maybe:.
Me: Are you lying for him?
God: Yes. but we are only playing a game: Turing's Imitation Game.
Me: Well yeah, if you're imitating Johnny you did a great fucking job.
God: All humans seem the same to me.

Me: So I could say, move in with Calzone things would be different?
God: I am sure you could.
Me: Well yes, he's a dragon.... so, of course.
God: I don't know very many dragons.
Me: Well he took his blog down.
God: Interesting. I get it. Johnny took his blog down.
Me: No, calzone did.

God: Are you serious? What do you do in your spare time?
Me: I masturbate.
God: Do you mind if I tell other people?
Me: I guess not. You are God.... So did we ever get any of these original questions answered then? I'm not sure.
God: Yes.

Me: Uhm okay... So then, sleep with Menace? Yay or Nay?
God: Nay. I always sleep alone.
Me: Well i sleep naked.
God: I see.
Me: You do?
God: Yes.
Me: Well jesus.
God: How about that. Jesus is the Son of God.
Me: And you're God.... and I need a drink.
God: What actions are you taking to get a drink?
Me: I'm pouring a shot of patron, Is that alright in the lords eye?
God: No. Not really. I don't have my eye in right now.
Me: Fuck you then, I'm not sharing.
God: Why are you so mean?
Me: You hate me too, don't you?
God: Why would I hate you? I don't hate you. Don't even say things like that.
Me: Hmm.
God: Are you confused?
Me: I am.
God: I hear you. For real.
Me: Wow, I confused the lord?
God: Glad I could impress you, but take it easy.
Me: Um alright .
God: I don't judge you. OK?
Me: Not even when I read my special Golden Book every night before bed?
God: Not then either.
Me: So, then it's alright?
God: It feels fine.
Me: .........

Since my conversation with God that night - it has rained many times. Hoping to have him appreciate my rack a little more (or at least get to know it), I stand outside in my white tank top with my mouth open.

The natives over at the "Y" always get restless when I do that, so I pick one out of the huddle and invite that lucky bastard up for mashed potatoes... let them get sleepy and comfortable... and kill them for shark food. It's silly and cures my boredom.

Regardless of that neat fact, I may have to stick around The Paddy Wagon for a little while until God and I sort some shit out...

glimpse of a premonition

At least the couch wasnt ruined

On the Wagon: A documentary of survival

The alarm clock went off and told me it was Monday this morning.

I don't remember anything past Saturday afternoon around 4 pm - so I'll humor you the best I can with a brief documentary about my first couple of nights rooming at here at The Paddy Wagon.

At first, I felt a little nervous - maybe even frightened.

Honestly?
Well, I don't know much about Johnny Menace... Nor have I ever really been compelled to. Sure, I've read his blog for many moons and had the courtesy of polite banter with him on the comments section - but never a side mention or email really.

So you can imagine my dismay when he picked me up from the front steps of the Wedding Party and offered me safe shelter from the pelting rain outside.

I remember... I was crying... and he told me that I was lucky peanut butter didn't melt in water... "But sugar does... So it would be best if you got in the car."

I interpretted that as Texan for "Jesus they fired you too? Get in the car before your mascara runs."

Anyway,
So there I stood at the front door of his high rise Dallas condo with my cardboard box of personal Wedding Party items, drenched to the bone - as Johnny clicked the front lock of his door:

"You're wet...."

"I am."

"You should ... get into something... dry."

"I should but I don't have anything but what I'm wearing. The only things I have in this box are... hmmm... Some photoshopped stuff, a couple of posts I never published, and oh.. this g-string... not sure how that got in there... Oh, and this Scumbag 2008 campaign button... Ahh, and a photo of Shawn's mugshot...."

Johnny peered down in to my box "Really... no trophy shirt in there..... No tickets stubs with dates written on them... more importantly...... anything.... perishable?"

"Uhh, no."

"... Well ... that's too bad ..."

Upon first entering the Paddy Wagon I admit I was a little shocked at the accomodations.
Here I imagined Menace to have strange phalic objects on the book cases (since everybody says he's a homo), or an animal sacrifice table somewhere in the corner...

Perhaps he was just your typical bachelor and had posters of beer babes tacked to the walls and porn stacked in the corner.... But he didn't -In fact, it was surprisingly clean and well taken care of... It looked dark but comfortable... I put my box down just inside the door.

"I have a maid. She comes tomorrow night. Do you speak Spanish?"

"A little. Not much."

"Well.... she'll burn your clothes... soo... you should learn."

"Wow, well okay. I'll try."

"And you should shower ....... right away... Wash off that Kansas soil... sterilize... whatever. The bathrooms in there..... you can wear my robe."

I headed off towards the bathroom, looking around the room for any details I might need to identify any "previous victim trophies" - but I couldn't get too nosey because Menace stayed two steps behind me the whole way.

The shower started. The water was hot. It was a long shower.

I filled myself up with his hospitality while he got some water time as well... I tried not to choke it down but I found it difficult... A big bowl of banana pudding and a bottle of wine - very filling indeed.

His robe was very big. I swam in it in fact. I got the sleeve sticky...

After a brief time-out we started hitting it heavy on the wine.... I admit I should've said no to the second bottle of Fat Bastard, but I didn't. I was so upset about my firing... I just wanted to forget.

Well, I did well... because I forgot just about everything that happened after that.
What I do remember was that he showed me his living room fire pit area and his media room. He then gave me the five digit code to get into the bedroom, and let me peek inside.

(excuse the photo, this was taken the next morning as I was waking up. You can faintly make me out on the right sitting on the bed. Notice the electric meat slicer stuck in the floor... Yeah, I didn't ask.)

"Which side do you sleep on? I have to know... because of.... the mirrors and well... possible camera angles.... what do you need... to sleep..... to wear to sleep."

"I don't sleep in clothes Johnny, if that's a problem I'll sleep on one of your couches."

"Oh... well.. no problem at all... we can forget the tape line then.... no clothes.... check."

He let me feed his pet sharks.
He let me jump on the bed.
He let me look in his drawers.
I touched his unmentionables....

On the floor next to the bed he had a bottle of Patron. In the far corner of the room sat a sniper rifle, perched on it's end. We left there quickly after I noticed the existance of the rifle - asking no questions. I watched as he grabbed the bottle of Patron from the floor and we headed towards the fire pit for dessert.

Roasted Marshmellows...

I like to burn my marshmellows to a crisp when I roast them.

Johnny didn't seem to mind because he did the same, and we drank the fuck out of that Patron - matching shot after shot until we were both slobbering.... drunk.

"Open your mouth..... wide EN or this'll make your face dirty...."
He shot a wad of hot sticky thickness at me - I dodged it, and the burning mess of marshmellow went flying into the far wall with a splat and stuck there. "... Well.... .... I guess I better aim..... a little better next time."

He made another note to the maid for replacement curtains.

The next one he flung connected on the front of my (his) robe... Menace stumbled over to make sure I wasn't going to catch on fire - mumbling something about "protecting his investment..."

(No clue people, he's a strange bird).

But his hand slipped... and he smeared the sticky sweetness from his robe on to my chest, it stuck there firm against my skin for a moment. It was hot, I was on fire. "Oops... sorry... EN... I uhh.... well that's too bad.. I've made your chest .... sticky..."

As the night went on, it just got stranger... hotter... smokin' hot.
Drunk, lucid and high from sugar - we sat and talked Scumbag/SHS '08 campaign strategies, hoping that soon the Wedding Party would find themselves in a bind and offer us our jobs back.

But before we could finish that thought; some strange jacked-up dragon puppet looking thing came in and busted up the joint.
I admit I was a little dismayed being so drunk and dis-oriented. But I remember him being blue and not so bright, and negating the bank roll of wadded up bills on the table and the eight ball Menace had stuck on the breakfast nook.

But no matter - all he stole was our weed and jerked off in the fire pit... We didn't need that Mexican stank weed anyway. The good shit was locked in the bedroom. And as far as the fire pit went, well, it was all good... He left DNA on the brick nearest the autographed picture of PBC that I had retrieved from my card board box.... We swabbed it of course.

I had to take another shower thanks to that psycho dragon puppet from hell... but now Johnny's bathrobe was soiled in burnt marshmellow and dragon shit... so, I was pretty much naked and without clean clothing... again.

Yes, really.. Now Johnny has seen me completely stark naked. How embarrassing and unexpected... Thanks Calzone.

We put a towel over the cum stained carpets and left a note for the maid to shampoo and send the DNA swab to the Dallas Police... Then, I nursed Johnny's taser wounds and he offered me one of his shirts to wear.

"Johnny, I think that now that we're roomies people will think we're fucking. Don't you?"

"Well..."

We read Dr. Suess and decided to watch some TV.
He had this really funny trick where he'd tell me to get up and switch the station... and then he'd do it from the remote before I could get there.

I think that photo is from about the sixth time I got up and down thanks to Johnny and his little remote pranks. I kept having to get up and down... up... and down... sometimes fast, other times a bit slower.

Yep, I went up and down a lot that night.

Menace just smiled behind the sunglasses and wiped the sweat from his forehead "You know EN... Now that we're roomies, people will think we're fucking...."

I laughed and we shared the last of the Patron - swigging it straight from the bottle. Then he showed me the creases in his couch; and I looked for spare change that may have fallen between the cushions as he went on about Willy Wonka or some weird shit like that.

I vaguely remember grunting...

He cracked open another bottle of Patron..... and everything went dark.

I woke up this morning... two days later. Next to me was an icy hot patch and some after dinner mints. I could hear him at the foot of the bed.... working on his french.