Monday, November 06, 2006

On the Wagon: A documentary of survival

The alarm clock went off and told me it was Monday this morning.

I don't remember anything past Saturday afternoon around 4 pm - so I'll humor you the best I can with a brief documentary about my first couple of nights rooming at here at The Paddy Wagon.

At first, I felt a little nervous - maybe even frightened.

Well, I don't know much about Johnny Menace... Nor have I ever really been compelled to. Sure, I've read his blog for many moons and had the courtesy of polite banter with him on the comments section - but never a side mention or email really.

So you can imagine my dismay when he picked me up from the front steps of the Wedding Party and offered me safe shelter from the pelting rain outside.

I remember... I was crying... and he told me that I was lucky peanut butter didn't melt in water... "But sugar does... So it would be best if you got in the car."

I interpretted that as Texan for "Jesus they fired you too? Get in the car before your mascara runs."

So there I stood at the front door of his high rise Dallas condo with my cardboard box of personal Wedding Party items, drenched to the bone - as Johnny clicked the front lock of his door:

"You're wet...."

"I am."

"You should ... get into something... dry."

"I should but I don't have anything but what I'm wearing. The only things I have in this box are... hmmm... Some photoshopped stuff, a couple of posts I never published, and oh.. this g-string... not sure how that got in there... Oh, and this Scumbag 2008 campaign button... Ahh, and a photo of Shawn's mugshot...."

Johnny peered down in to my box "Really... no trophy shirt in there..... No tickets stubs with dates written on them... more importantly...... anything.... perishable?"

"Uhh, no."

"... Well ... that's too bad ..."

Upon first entering the Paddy Wagon I admit I was a little shocked at the accomodations.
Here I imagined Menace to have strange phalic objects on the book cases (since everybody says he's a homo), or an animal sacrifice table somewhere in the corner...

Perhaps he was just your typical bachelor and had posters of beer babes tacked to the walls and porn stacked in the corner.... But he didn't -In fact, it was surprisingly clean and well taken care of... It looked dark but comfortable... I put my box down just inside the door.

"I have a maid. She comes tomorrow night. Do you speak Spanish?"

"A little. Not much."

"Well.... she'll burn your clothes... soo... you should learn."

"Wow, well okay. I'll try."

"And you should shower ....... right away... Wash off that Kansas soil... sterilize... whatever. The bathrooms in there..... you can wear my robe."

I headed off towards the bathroom, looking around the room for any details I might need to identify any "previous victim trophies" - but I couldn't get too nosey because Menace stayed two steps behind me the whole way.

The shower started. The water was hot. It was a long shower.

I filled myself up with his hospitality while he got some water time as well... I tried not to choke it down but I found it difficult... A big bowl of banana pudding and a bottle of wine - very filling indeed.

His robe was very big. I swam in it in fact. I got the sleeve sticky...

After a brief time-out we started hitting it heavy on the wine.... I admit I should've said no to the second bottle of Fat Bastard, but I didn't. I was so upset about my firing... I just wanted to forget.

Well, I did well... because I forgot just about everything that happened after that.
What I do remember was that he showed me his living room fire pit area and his media room. He then gave me the five digit code to get into the bedroom, and let me peek inside.

(excuse the photo, this was taken the next morning as I was waking up. You can faintly make me out on the right sitting on the bed. Notice the electric meat slicer stuck in the floor... Yeah, I didn't ask.)

"Which side do you sleep on? I have to know... because of.... the mirrors and well... possible camera angles.... what do you need... to sleep..... to wear to sleep."

"I don't sleep in clothes Johnny, if that's a problem I'll sleep on one of your couches."

"Oh... well.. no problem at all... we can forget the tape line then.... no clothes.... check."

He let me feed his pet sharks.
He let me jump on the bed.
He let me look in his drawers.
I touched his unmentionables....

On the floor next to the bed he had a bottle of Patron. In the far corner of the room sat a sniper rifle, perched on it's end. We left there quickly after I noticed the existance of the rifle - asking no questions. I watched as he grabbed the bottle of Patron from the floor and we headed towards the fire pit for dessert.

Roasted Marshmellows...

I like to burn my marshmellows to a crisp when I roast them.

Johnny didn't seem to mind because he did the same, and we drank the fuck out of that Patron - matching shot after shot until we were both slobbering.... drunk.

"Open your mouth..... wide EN or this'll make your face dirty...."
He shot a wad of hot sticky thickness at me - I dodged it, and the burning mess of marshmellow went flying into the far wall with a splat and stuck there. "... Well.... .... I guess I better aim..... a little better next time."

He made another note to the maid for replacement curtains.

The next one he flung connected on the front of my (his) robe... Menace stumbled over to make sure I wasn't going to catch on fire - mumbling something about "protecting his investment..."

(No clue people, he's a strange bird).

But his hand slipped... and he smeared the sticky sweetness from his robe on to my chest, it stuck there firm against my skin for a moment. It was hot, I was on fire. "Oops... sorry... EN... I uhh.... well that's too bad.. I've made your chest .... sticky..."

As the night went on, it just got stranger... hotter... smokin' hot.
Drunk, lucid and high from sugar - we sat and talked Scumbag/SHS '08 campaign strategies, hoping that soon the Wedding Party would find themselves in a bind and offer us our jobs back.

But before we could finish that thought; some strange jacked-up dragon puppet looking thing came in and busted up the joint.
I admit I was a little dismayed being so drunk and dis-oriented. But I remember him being blue and not so bright, and negating the bank roll of wadded up bills on the table and the eight ball Menace had stuck on the breakfast nook.

But no matter - all he stole was our weed and jerked off in the fire pit... We didn't need that Mexican stank weed anyway. The good shit was locked in the bedroom. And as far as the fire pit went, well, it was all good... He left DNA on the brick nearest the autographed picture of PBC that I had retrieved from my card board box.... We swabbed it of course.

I had to take another shower thanks to that psycho dragon puppet from hell... but now Johnny's bathrobe was soiled in burnt marshmellow and dragon shit... so, I was pretty much naked and without clean clothing... again.

Yes, really.. Now Johnny has seen me completely stark naked. How embarrassing and unexpected... Thanks Calzone.

We put a towel over the cum stained carpets and left a note for the maid to shampoo and send the DNA swab to the Dallas Police... Then, I nursed Johnny's taser wounds and he offered me one of his shirts to wear.

"Johnny, I think that now that we're roomies people will think we're fucking. Don't you?"


We read Dr. Suess and decided to watch some TV.
He had this really funny trick where he'd tell me to get up and switch the station... and then he'd do it from the remote before I could get there.

I think that photo is from about the sixth time I got up and down thanks to Johnny and his little remote pranks. I kept having to get up and down... up... and down... sometimes fast, other times a bit slower.

Yep, I went up and down a lot that night.

Menace just smiled behind the sunglasses and wiped the sweat from his forehead "You know EN... Now that we're roomies, people will think we're fucking...."

I laughed and we shared the last of the Patron - swigging it straight from the bottle. Then he showed me the creases in his couch; and I looked for spare change that may have fallen between the cushions as he went on about Willy Wonka or some weird shit like that.

I vaguely remember grunting...

He cracked open another bottle of Patron..... and everything went dark.

I woke up this morning... two days later. Next to me was an icy hot patch and some after dinner mints. I could hear him at the foot of the bed.... working on his french.


Blogger The Husband said...

so did you guys bang or just pass out?

9:48 AM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

I don't remember banging.

9:51 AM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

You should ask Menace, the guy chews Patron like gum... I bet he remembers.

9:51 AM  
Blogger Johnny Menace said...

carl - couldn't you tell from the post?

EN - if i remember right you were trying to feed my sharks patron.

11:38 AM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

was i? did it work? I only remember playing tic-tac-toe with the eightball...

11:47 AM  
Blogger The Husband said...

i would love to snort an eightball. i'm all about the white lighting.

anyway, EN the girl in that picture looks very similar to you (based on the tatoo). unless of course it is you.

12:56 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

Uh well Carl.. I tell you what. Let's play a little game.

Go look at the picture on the WP of me from last wednesday...

and then check out that picture again and you tell me...

1:07 PM  
Blogger Johnny Menace said...

or the HNT pic of EN down below.. and notice the belly button jewelery.

1:10 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

Ha. you said "down below"... Johnny, how lewd.

1:31 PM  
Blogger The Husband said...

well isn't that just wonderful. who takes all these pictures of you?

1:38 PM  
Blogger Editor Shawn said...

Well holy fuck. I have questions.

1. The g-string in the box, what color was it and did Menace use it later to floss his teeth with?

2. Did he ever find out which side you sleep on? And if so, which side is it?

3. Banana pudding, did it have cut up bananas on top? Nilla wafers? or just pudding.

4. What came after the "Well...." when you were nursing his taser wounds right before the Dr. Suess readings.

5. That last picture looks like the Doubletree in Bellevue, or the Homewood Suites in Renton....

holy shit...

2:27 PM  
Blogger Editor Shawn said...

And EN can't answer these... Johnny has to.


2:33 PM  
Blogger scumbag said...

emma has some wicked photoshop skills.

2:57 PM  
Blogger The Husband said...

is that really photoshop?

why is that loser wearing sunglasses in the picture?

i'm sure a nerd.

3:04 PM  
Blogger Editor Shawn said...

You think that's photoshopped? I don't think even EN is that good.

I've been wrong before.

And yeah what's with the sunglasses?

3:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think Scumbag is in denial.

3:11 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

I think he wore the sunglasses so I could see my own reflection in them....

4:00 PM  
Blogger The Husband said...

did he by any chance stick is finger up your butt?

4:02 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

Wow Carl, well if he did I would have prolly mentioned that, I would think...

You don't believe that a man and woman can bunk together without having sex?

4:19 PM  
Blogger The Husband said...

my friend once brought a girl back to his place. she was on the rag and passed out in his bed. for some reason he decided to stick his finger in her butt...true story!

i definitely think its possible for a man and a woman to sleep in the same bed without banging. i've done it before.

4:29 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

Yes carl, okay... but sleeping with your mother and/or sister doesnt count.

4:37 PM  
Blogger The Husband said...

sadly, its been with actual bitches.

did i mention i'm great at spooning?

4:40 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

Like I said Carl, your mother and/or sister doesnt count.

I like to play spoons.

4:42 PM  
Blogger The Husband said...

i'd like to bury my spoon in your ass.

ha ha!

4:48 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

coke spoon or serving size? Enquiring minds need to know.

4:59 PM  
Blogger Johnny Menace said...

carl - its a rockstar thing... you should try it... after we brush up your pick up lines... plus women like to see themselves in motion when possible... so look for some mirror sunglasses..... oh and really........ your mom doesn't count.

shane - yes she does have skills

shawn - i emailed you the answers to those questions.


1:10 AM  
Blogger Editor Shawn said...

I see that. You have to know that if you and EN were really living together you wouldn't get any sleep. And that would explain the sunglasses too... for the "dark circle I look like shit because my bitch won't let me sleep" look.

1:32 PM  
Blogger Editor Shawn said...


1:33 PM  
Blogger The Husband said...

what would you say is EN's favorite position?


3:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what the shit is going on over here?

3:18 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

No shit, just house-sitting... Johnny's off voting. Either that or rescuing abandoned orphans off the Florida coast.

I hear they play soccer with them over there if you don't get there in time.

Good job Carl... let's see if he guesses correctly.

3:22 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

You know, I do believe Shawn set himself up for a sleepy comment...

3:26 PM  
Blogger The Husband said...

here is another question for menace,

if he is from dallas why is he wearing a boston redsox hat in his proflie picture?


3:38 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

Carl, I want him to answer that but first... You're not in NY.. and yet, you're a Jets fan...

? same principal?


3:43 PM  
Blogger Editor Shawn said...

I didn't set myself up for a sleepy comment.

Roast on Spackler!


4:10 PM  
Blogger The Husband said...

i spent the first 10 years of my life on Long Island. my love affair with the J-E-T-S is do to the fact that they used to have their training facilities in my home town of Hempstead.

however, they recently moved to the arm pit of america...aka New Jersey so they can be closer to the stadium.

4:25 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

ahhh. but wouldnt you say that it could potentially be in the same context though Carl?

I mean, maybe the best blow job he ever had was in Boston and he wants to represent. You never know, there could be a phone number for booty call on that hat somewhere.

4:50 PM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

I want to feed the fishies! Can I feed the fishies???

6:35 PM  
Blogger Johnny Menace said...

Shawn - i guess that would depend on when i like to sleep....... of course we know when you like to sleep.. and what a sound sleeper you are..


EN - yes.. "rescuing".. did the cops ever call back on that dragon DNA? and can you pick up another bottle of patron?

1:45 AM  
Blogger Johnny Menace said...

carl - 2 questions.. wow i'm honored. you must be really into me...

ok EN's favortie postition.. well last one that i knew she liked was the postition of PR assistant at the Wedding party.. i guess i'll have to help her find a new posistion...

#2 ..its not a hat its a visor.. and your right carl.. its insane to think i could get a boston visor in dallas... nuts... and you know i'm glad you said something carl.. because that shirt i'm wearing.. not from dallas.. that watch not made in texas... polo?.. no not texas.. shit.. why was i wearing a polo shirt.. its not even from texas?.. i should have taken that picture naked i guess carl.. is that what your getting at?

which i guess i have to ask.. why isn't there a picture of you wearing a ball cap carl? do you not like sports?

1:54 AM  
Blogger Johnny Menace said...

hun b - they are sharks and sometimes they bite... i'll need you to sign some waivers first..

1:56 AM  
Blogger The Husband said...

i actually own several hats and visors.

the starboard
cyprus vineyards


10:10 AM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

I picked up a case of Patron last night while you were out rescuing soccer ball orphans.

No, the cops never called Johnny... I'll pay a visit to the station right away and find out what's up with that.

But first.... breakfast.

10:28 AM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

Morning Carl.. I like your hats.

10:30 AM  
Blogger The Husband said...

i like your tits.

whats for breakfast?

i make amazing omlettes and french toast.

may pancakes aren't that bad either.

how about i just put whip cream all over you and like it off?

10:33 AM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

Well lets see... i have bisquits and gravy so far... maybe the smell will provoke Johnny to slide out of bed.

Whip cream, no carl, i dont have that.

10:52 AM  
Blogger Johnny Menace said...

a case.... you know.. you got knocked out on just one bottle.. but ok.. a case it is..

11:04 AM  
Blogger Johnny Menace said...

no jets hat? interesting...

and based off your hat logic carl

drink guiness
dropped out of George Manson Uni.
bank with fidelty or your against infidelty
was in the navy
drinks wine
you work at Frys?

you went to Unvi Virgina
and you lived in D.C.

11:04 AM  
Blogger The Husband said...

wow...very good assessment Mr. Menace.

the starboard is actually an awesome bar in delaware. there are only windows and shit on the right hand side.

11:09 AM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

Shark-Big Fish, eh same thing...hoooray I get to feed the fishies!!!!

12:03 PM  
Blogger The Husband said...

how about posting some new material. its getting really boring around here.

atleast thats what huneeb said.

12:53 PM  
Blogger Everything Nice said...

keep your pants on Carl... I'm working on it!

*hands huneeb the shark food*

They like patron :)

1:20 PM  
Blogger Johnny Menace said...

well carl its only a good assumention because i used your logic

Hun b - i'm still going to need you to sign some waivers..

EN - you've been feeding them patron? that explains while buttercup keeps running into the wall.

2:21 PM  
Blogger HuneeB said...

*signs all the waivers*

*takes a swig of Patron*...I like Patron too...

2:24 PM  
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3:49 AM  
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4:07 AM  
Blogger Dan said...

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11:12 AM  
Blogger Johnny Menace said...

hun b - alright now i'll just need to run a background check on you.. and check your refrences.... which are???

anon - I'll be right back.. can you wait outside with that offer? *closes door

dan - kinda like your comment.

1:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

9:14 AM  

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