Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Run Retard........ Run

After watching Bill Richardson finally bow out of the race.. with the patten "i don't know but you must really like me since you ask me all these questions" smile and stare... and then squirm while being asked who he would throw is support to.... wait.. wait.. wait... lets back up here.... ... Bill Richardson dropped out.... ok... who really thought he was going to make a dent... this is the same guy who claims to love the Boston Red Sox but dreams of being in Yankee pinstripes... really didn't we all know then?...

(a little hint for Bill next time he runs: ...pssssssst Bill.. illegal puerto ricans and arabs that live in NYC can't vote.. and everyone outside of NYC hates the yankees.. next time choose the red sox)

and now Fred Thompson quiting the race... again.. did you ever have a chance.. maybe maybe if you ran in the early 90's and rode the Days of Thunder Die Hard II and Cape Fear wave.. strike when the iron was hot Fred.. shit man.. that's Tom Cruise, Bruce Willis, and De Niro at your campaigns... but no you decided to milk it on Law & Order and you sucked on the tit to long... you lost your edge Fred.. and now you lost your friends..... but before you go.. please... tell us how you nabbed Jeri Thompsom.... meet her in TN... knew she was obcessed with rasins?...

With Bill bowing out and Fred losing his friends.. and others to follow until we are down to the big boys... .....how pissed would you be if donated money to a no chance canadiate and they didn't even finish the race... ... not to mention why in the hell you would throw money away like that... the least they could do is finish and not give up..

Did they guilt you into donating money.. like how you feel guilty for the retard running 100m dash in the Special Olympics.... so you buy him some Nike track shoes and running gear... knowning full well this retard isn't going to come close to winning ...because he's that retard with a clump of red hair on his head.. who doesn't run much because he would rather chew his own tongue and its hard to balance himself upright with a baby arm and adjacent baby leg..... but you think "Awwwwwwww damnit just because he doesn't have a chance he should get to run so he can feel good about himself"

So you spend some money... get in the stands.. get your self some nachos and a coke.... (which by the way if your ever at the Special Olympics i recommend bringing your own food.... really... a note the special food commitee .. we in the stands.. we would like to let you know we're not retarded... our tastebuds have evolved fully... we can taste the your 80% water off brand left over cheese dip that Gary "made"... and for the record i threw that hot dog in the trash that Gary handled... you shouldn't have retards handle food.. its unsanitary.. nothing againist you Gary.. i thought your insight into various trumpet noises and hand gnawing was hilarious... i just don't want to catch your diseases..) ............. ............ So you get in the stands to cheer for him... only to watch him run about 10m .. start to chew his tongue and waive back to the crowd.. smiling and chewing... stop and find a rock to play with.. then sit indian style with his rock on the track.. bite his tongue and shit himself... ........ .....at least he didn't get any on those shoes... he can keeps those for the next race........ ... and all you want to do is stand up and shout


but you don't because ..

A. you don't want anyone to know that's your tard...

B. it isn't the proper conduct to yell at them or expect them to finish...... .... so you sit there with everyone else as your baby legged tard moans in pain as he rolls around in his own shit... the track officals give him an honorable DQ blue ribbon for trying and wheelbarrow him off the track to applause... and hugs

..........so....... for those of you dontated to the total $18,699,937 for Bill or the $12,828,111 for Fred to run their race... and and not have the balls to demand he finish it or for your money back... lets look at some of the things you all could have collectivly done with that money instead... (feel free to add in the comments)

teeth for everyone in Alabama

Idaho for all the little people to live... so people don't have to worry about their babies being snatched off the street.... I think it goes without saying that Warwick Davis would be the undisuted King of the little people... No one tops Willow...

The Kansas City Royals

the infamous Jessica Simpson cabo wabo gravy panties

Quebec from Canada only to offically change the offical language to English and ban the word croissant

A lobby in Washington DC to rid America of clowns.. we'll call D.U.P.... unless anyone else has a better group name

John Stossel's moustache and glue it to Elizabeth Vargas's snatch and make her give the news with her snatch

Bill Richardson and Fred Thompson some Nike running gear and a marathon coach

18,699,937 rammen noodles and 12,828,111 Jack-n-box tacos

or keep it for the recession

so for those of you that invested $$ in retards still running and you feel they might stop and shit themseleves... just have the balls to tell that retard to keep running... all they need is postivie enouragement.... its not like your getting your money back

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Words of wisdom....... on hold

I think i have soaked up enough for 2 months... and its time to hang up.. thank you Southwest.. and thanks for making the fat chick next to me buy 2 seats... i really like having my own arm rest.. and i'm sure she got over it after you guys gave her that extra bag of peanuts...


just ask to be put on hold...... if your searching for wisdom

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Where i was.. where i am.. where i will be

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Journal Date 10/2/2006

This picture posted by The Menace some time ago is one I'm sure you all remember. When it appeared on the Handicap Parking blog it caused nary a stir. Basically got little or no reaction..... As far as every body knew, The Menace had returned from a long public hiatus donning a cuddly fluffy bunny head and Red Sox Jersey.

"How quaint" I'm sure most said to themselves, "Johnny has turned a newer, softer, gentler leaf. Maybe he's volunteering himself at Easter egg hunts for asian orphans.... That's nice."

However this was just not so.

In fact, while all of you were happy to assume that this picture was a simple snapshot of The Menace in time (so, so innocent) - only I knew the horror and carnage behind it that photo. I took it myself "the next morning"....

That being said, let this be the first in my series of autobiographical journal entries, titled "It's time to talk..."

Last night Johnny locked me in the closet with a bowl of poppyseed muffins. I hurt my wrist. It took me 4 hours to cut through the door with a potato peeler. There was a strange odor coming from the kitchen.
Then, the phone rang. I figured it was Jose looking for work again, but as I bent down to press my ear to the speaker of the answering machine... I felt somebody watching me.

"Johnny? Why are you wearing the bunny suit? And what's with the whiskey?"
He said nothing. Just turned around and took a swig of his Bushmills as he walked towards the door.
"John? Where are you going?... Johnny?"

Yes. That was about the bulk of the conversation. I mean, I knew The Menace was a little eccentric - but, the bunny suit? I'm clueless. Why hadn't I seen it before? How many nights have I been locked in while Johnny ran-about town looking like the Easter Bunny?

Something is awry around this place. I have to figure out what's with the bunny suit and that straw basket.

I think I'll follow him next time he goes....

Evil easter

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Friday, September 07, 2007

It's time to talk

It's been almost one year since I landed here at the Paddy Wagon. One whole year.

September 26th (to be exact) would be the date.
Two days after the Kansas City Chiefs ass-hammered the Seahawks into a disappointing loss.

Let's go back and reflect on how I came to be here, shall we?
Hmm.... let's see... There was a bet, for my nakedness and writing on my body (somewhere) that would read "Chiefs own this." Sorry to say, the logistics for the bet were not discussed and Scumbag ended up with a lowly middle finger and some marker.

However, little did he know that, in fact, I had already went ahead and shot that bet, with the writing as agreed to... Only before I could pay Scumbag in full... He kicked me out of the Wedding Party and I was left blogless.

Blogless. Me. Everything Nice. Blogless.

So Johnny being a humanitarian decides to pick me up from the curb that rainy day and invite me in to stay for awhile. But awhile turned into longer and soon my attention turned to introducing him to a blind date, Thanksgiving Dinner, and even a little closed door action.

Thanks John. Your caring and devotion for the downtrodden are noted. And only you and I know how far my gratitude has been tested. Indeed.

It's been a strange year here. First his disappearance, and my search... Then his short return and a lot of catching up on house cleaning and replacement of alcohol. Then his re-disappearance. And appearance. And disappearance, and appearance.

It's like a hot poker to the eye... and don't think I don't know how adequate that simile is.

For the most part I've been silent, waiting in Johnny Menaces coat-tails until I could steal away for an oyster cracker and some orange Tang. He tries to take good care of me but it never ceases to amaze me how he finds new and inventive ways to keep me focused on other things while he.... Well, never mind what he does.... Perhaps we should move on.

Since a year ago I have written many journal entries. Some of them humorous, some of them depressing - most of them bizarre. All of them brilliant. However, the most poignant ones are the ones that Johnny has locked away from me and stuck in his trophy room - between his 3rd grade sack race champion trophy, and the Golden Eagle statue that we scored together a few months ago.

But now? I have the combination to the door lock and it's time to release the documented debauchery....

Nobody really understands what it's like to live with a Menace.

To sell your soul.

Well I do. And I'll publish it here in these blog pages - and all the strange details that go with it.

And this time, Johnny, you won't be able to silence me with that chomp bit.

I'm talking.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Make my smile.... I can almost taste it but i can wait

If it clicks..... Sssshhhhhhhhhh

When it keeps you up late...

Get up and pace...
don't over think.. don't let your eyes lead... or you won't feel safe..
wasting a day...instead of night...
just remember this smile... when it happens...if your able to see straight...

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Gchats.......... The birds and the Bs

I figured since Hunneb feels disjointed maybe this will help everyone understand why...... .......plus Bostick can actually get off to this since 50% off it are animal sounds.

*Warning: For those who won't and have never gotten it... er..... Shawn basically.. don't continue past this point.. please remain behind the line with spit sparks.... the box to your left has the ball with the bell in it so that she doesn't talk to you while you wait...

A conversation with Hunneb on gchat....

did you turn part owl on us?
uh .... hoot?
hoot hoot you?
why hoot? :)
me: hahoot hoot hoot ... and hooting huhhoots hoots :'(
Huneeb: did you just come from hooters?
uhmmm...neh hoot..
woot hoot?
if you want to
who hoot, you hoot?
oh.... no hoot hoot.. that's a hootshame
for who?
the hoot
oh..... hooooooooooooot
you don't.... you don't hooot

Huneeb: HOOT!
it ok.............. hoot
nm........ hoot
or do you.. hoot hoot?
no more of a hooooooOOOooooot
why can't i hoot?
that hootdiculous
hooty hoot hoot hoooooot
you can hoot all you want to your little hoot's desire
....... :'(
Huneeb: there you go :)
..... :'(
Huneeb: why are you crying?
wanna hoot?
you're in a funny mood
emotional fucker
depends on the hoo
me: hoot hoot
who hoots your hoot?
whootever hoots the hoot
hmm so you're not picky then?
your assuming everyone can hoot
they can't?
doesn't seem that hard...
depends on what your hooting for
then you can tell
ahh true hoot
hoot that
me: hooot hoot :'(
Huneeb: why you sad again?
well why?
hoot hoot hooot hoot .... uhm hoot hoot when hooot hooted hoot hoot hootly.. i mean hootly
and now that i hoot about it
how can a bee ever understand a bird?
Huneeb: they just can, ever seen a bugs life, it's all nature
me: no hoot.... [frown]
Huneeb: who hoot, I hooted you flew the coup
me: hoot me?
Huneeb: hoot hoot
me: oh..... hoooooot.. [wink]
how hoot hoot a hoot?
hootingly of course

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Returning with answers...... premeditated

this should explain it

but for those that don't get the answers they need from the photo above... i went ahead answered questions you had... and to be fair i included everyone even if you got your answer from the picture above....

1. uhmmmm no

2. no

3. ..... .... no ..... carl... are all these about your ass

4. yes.. you always got a shot until you get arrested.. but you might want to tell her that you've been collecting that kind of private information before....... you know what... fuck it.. it's win win either way.. trust me

6. no you can't come


1. i know me to

2. yes... shawn
3. no i would say its still honey

4. lol

6. no i don't think i would notice


1. your mamma

2. i know that's why i'm answering these

3. i'll pass
4. sure... anything to help your drama queen needs

6. no.. no.. that's not good for me.. how about Weds?


1. always

2. of course it still does.. it keeps on giving.. never gets old
3. weight and balance
word cholo.... I don't be eaten when the cook is Babylonian either
6. no you can still keep it...you might need it soon


1. cock
2. i don't think they will
we will..
........ the same 3 things
6. on the 6th floor between the silver one and the red


1. because your paranoid...
2. why ask me that.. you already know
3. no.. you should be able to figure that one out
4. i thought you already had that one figured out.... guess not
6. i agree they are..... and yes we should.. we should have a long time ago

Hunne B
1. because i can
2. no i never have... birds are flithy creatures
3. oh... hooooot hoot hoot
4. bullshit.... then send me one
6. no... no.. no i really don't think you should.. i have to strongly advise againist it.. it could swing 2 ways.. murder or best moment of your life..

1. no i don't
2. no i'm not
3. i could
4. i'm just not into myspace that's all
6. yeah i think he will get traded

1. the blue ones
2. do i look like a dragon
3. when would i have the time to hang with Dr. Michael Mancini
4. pledge with lemon
6. well seeing how its been 2 years since you had that abortition i would have to say.. that fake guy the bark like a dog all the time... or apostle bill..

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Poetry sessions... with Johnny Menace

One more again head down poppin on a handstand...

Head down pussy pussy poppin
Head down pussy pussy poppin
Head down pussy pussy poppin
Head down pussy poppin on a handstand

On a handstand
On my american banstands
Summersalts cartwheels bitch just keep on dancing
Chinese splits-splits slide on down that pole-pole
And feel this dick-dick getin outa control-trol
Oh no keep goin till nigga like me say stoooop
Let it kiss the sky and then make it droooop
Tuck and twist its your luck if you fuckin Chris
Im rubbin clits so stay in catch don’t try to duck and miss
Do your stretches don’t pull no hamstrings
You got me movin infact your doin the damn thang
Stronger muscles exersize every part your body hurts
plus you been sweatin thank god your bath and body works
I like a woman who makes her own doe don’t need a lot of help
But your heart’ll melt if I put a thousand in your garder belt
Lipgloss traces your pierced in 11 places
And your lips down town just made some familiar faces like WOAH!

Imma send a chapter to this poppin legacy
Trying to be that bitch cant no bitches fuck wit me
When I pop that cris im on that buisnes and bubbly
When im in that 6 wit 20s spinin on luxury
Cuz I got that head game
Fuckin up that bed frame
But don’t get me wrong now shawty gon’ let that led hang
Better learn that game shawty
Better get yo’ man shawty
Foe he endup tamed and be gone all in the brain shawty
This here be futuristic
This business so explicit
The way I brake it down for you bitches is so exquisite
Let it go now front (front) back (back) watch me drop it like that
Show me where that money at
Boy come wit them 100 stacks
Now break in wit that pussy poppin
That pussy droppin to the floe
And got these niggas slobbin he wantin moe
Wit out that doe popi aint nuttin happen
Cuz that’s fo show im from the go u get that pussy poppin
Stopin that pussy dropin GONE

Every time we hit the club
We at least 50 deep
Smoking purple coat and grichi got everybody keed
At the club 7 days a week find DTP off in this bitch
That hoe poppin dropin god damn shawty who is this
Redbone wit a scorpio tatted on her tummy
Im sittin slouched back in the chair stuntin waving money
And shawty start zig zaggin a dariair for me
Up her pussy shorty pushed in a whole bottle or moe
Reached in my pocket grabbed a G and then threw it on the floe
Here u deserve this doe now jump on stage and work the pole
Face down up ass up hands on those
Now pop that coochie you know the procedure
If you want this cash gotta make that ass shake like a seizure
Either magic or pleasas
Find me spending cheese up
Maxin out my visa
Trickin on strip teasers

Friday, June 08, 2007

*dial tone

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Friday, April 20, 2007

Dear John..... The end of the trail

*Checks bag

So my bread crust trail just ended... and me bewildered.

*puts hands on hips

Seems Johnny Menace has lost himself again and there's no way I'm going to find him now. I'm stumped... And apparently so is Carl because he was sure to cast his vote for "putting this blog out of it's misery".

But is there misery? I mean really, look inside yourself.

I know Shawn and Shane won't miss him because they're couple skate partners now - three is a crowd
I know PBC won't miss him because PBC is in prison on an attempted murder charge. PBC misses nothing else than what his asshole used to be I'm certain.

I know Bostick won't miss him... but... shit ...Bostick may.

I know Carl won't miss him because Carl is a good husband.

I may miss him. But only because all you fags got so pissy about the fact you thought I was fucking him - and it was hilarious to watch. And personally, I've come to think that's because you were all jealous at the potential.... fags.

Anyway, there's not much I can do here besides pack shit up and think about draping canvas over the furniture hoping some day the Menace will find his way back here safely - again. I'll pay an occasional visit when I can to water the plants and drink Patron near the fire pit for a spell. Although I refuse to buy my own bottle, I'll just drink what's left here.

Oh, and before I go.

A little sentimentality of my own...

Last one out turns out the lights.

Dear John.. ..Digesting the crumbs

Dear Menace,

Late last night while I was feeding the sharks, I became engrossed in celebration over the almost translated breadcrumbs -- but then something bizarre and unexpected happened.

You were right... they don't want me to follow.

I could only leave a tendril of a message for you in the peripheral of your current vision. You will know it when you see it... If you translate if co.rrectly you will find it's message quite clear.

It's more than a premonition. It's a steadfast bullet into the future. But when?

I have to go now Johnny... there's a red wolf at the door.....

and I am holding at 11.2% evaporation.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Dear John .... Counting the Crumbs

Dear Johnny,

It's been a cold April.
You forgot to pay the power before you disappeared again.

And it's not about you going out for cigarettes...
because you don't smoke Johnny.

Are you some strange introverted sociopathic super hero?
Perhaps you "unplug" like they do in the Matrix.

If so, when I find you can you teach me how to zero-gravity-ultra-slomo fuck?
That would be really intense and could be a nice addition to my resume.

However it is you leave, you're really good about
staying lost - for a long time.

Many will celebrate your disappearance
But my celebration will be black.

(That's the only color midget they had)

But I think I can find you.

I collected your breadcrumbs lovingly in little ziplock baggies and made notes on every one before I back combed the area with my black light for the next one.

Please pardon the flashlight glare on the pages. It would have been a better snapshot if I had overhead light of any kind. Or at least D batteries for the camping lamp.

I have a feeling that until I can glue the crumbs together and bring you your sandwich... You will stay far far away and not know how to come home.

I had better get started before you end.

Everything Nice

PS - You better not be lost somewhere warm... Or I'll be pissed!

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Bread crumbs...... the last one..

Here it is... in your hand.. have it with some wine.. savor it.. for it is the last..

You have all you need... to find me... and you will once you put together the crumbs.. starting with

The bread crumb songs ...hullaballo to the last one

once you have that... you'll have one last crumb to piece it all.. and then you find the co.pamy you seek..

the final one.. steals my oxygen.. my kind of sunday song...

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Excerpts from "I think your brillant"...... July 16th '06

Random partial excerts put together in chronological order from the longest chain letter written.. Who's it with.. well that i can't say.. maybe you'll figure it out.. This post covers and exchange from July 16th.. and Enjoy.



Silence is underated... and unappericated.. that's probably why its so morbid. and No .. dairy products with being stoned.. I wouldn't agree with you..
no boundaries.... and here i thought that cost extra.... well then lets keep pushing I'm rooting for animal attack
ok Julia Bond and Taylor hayes..... but can we dub Taylor Hayes with Brianna Banks voice?

So now its pryo fustration... or is it sexual fustration and you just want to burn something... and does the burning it, explosion, or me blowing my load cure your pyro-sexual frustration
and can i point out how obvious a van is when it comes to kidnapping.. That screams "pull me over, I have hooters waitress gagged in the back and an expired regestration"

Who said anything about shocking... ... so the odds are againist me.. and your betting againist me....seems almost hollywoodesc. i like this sceranio.. just as much as i like the scenario of you on your knees.

Please don't peer in the body bag unless you speak latin,

P.S. i wanted to start a post script
P.S.S. is it p.p.s or p.s.s


what an absolute pleaseure to see you in my box on a weekend. I do admit I was a little tickleed to see a response from you, I thought for certain I would have to wait 3 days, or atleast until Monday.

animal attack you hope? i was leaning towards asphixiation.... or sexual implosion... at this rate it's entirely possible. Which animal are you?

sure, a van screams kidnapping I know this. but does a mini van do the same?

no, shocking hmmm... i am betting against you, from the opposing corner and only because... well, we won't go there. and the odds are clearly against me now since I continue to work on uncovering the pieces and putting them together... i should get an A for effort though expectations are overrated.

me on my knees? yes, but I have to ask... is it in front of you or the hooters waitress... would you feed it to me... or would I have to take it? they are simple questions that I am sure you will scatter amongst the next two emails.


P.S. there's a reason for this post script because
P.P.S I have no idea why you wanted to start one
P.P.S. interesting, what will we do? or did you say already?
P.P.P.S i believe it's ppps, or else it sounds like somebody taking a leak on a campfire instead of a stutter.

Tickleed pleasure box,

You get an I for insanity and an A for well ... something else .... you

...but as far as my name I've already put it out there.. i'll probably slide it in again.. but will you notice.. and your right eric doesn't appericate.... phone number is out there two.. well at least all the numbers... but there has been so many numbers between us.. i think the hidden messages are getting muddy.. maybe we should refresh.

Animal attack.. of course.. for the same reason your leaning towards asphixiation or the implosion...

a mini van.. i'll have to think about this..

if your betting on me.. then the odds are in your favor because it is a stated fact that you do not bet when the odds are not in your favor.. expectations should be overrated..

you on your knees.... hmmmm.. you want to get the waitress involved.. and here i only wanted to kidnapp her...


P.S. I'm done with post script how about you?
P.S.S. so your trying to tell me you live IL with hidden phone number?

Touch the machine Johnny. Do it......

I think we're on Korea by now... perhaps it was the animal attacks that have me stuck on that choice.

Do you really want me to elaborate on the third party theory? I may implode a bit just long enough to be direct... but then if I did that, would you run and leave me in silence.... It's a fear.... morbidity. And then I could roll the dice and just say it and hear you applaud or reject the scenario. Hmmm, how are the odds I wonder?

First untie me.. then i might touch the machine.

Korea? and here i thought we both wanted a little rush.. that's all a little blood rush..flushed skin before the happy ending.. that is if the ending is happy... the ending is typicallly met with silence and silence according to you is morbid soo the ending will probably be morbid.... ... good thing i have the foresight to see this coming

i think a mini-van would make me wince.

An entire theory own third parties.. well i'm not going to tell you the odds.. your going to have to determine the odds yourself and then decide if you want to roll the dice or not... i hope its worth the risk.

are you trying to draw me out of the corner or into your corner.. let's take a glance here... oh and you scrambled them...i'm going with ??? area code for now... maybe the first words will just be what's in my bag...
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