Sunday, January 29, 2006

The Aristocrats

Finally I saw this fucking movie.... and i cried. If you haven't seen this movie or don't plan to ever see it.... then i advise you to stop reading now....... stop.... just scroll to the bottom and read the last two sentences and leave a comment.......... ............. ..... go on............ ...............bye ............ and while i'm at it if you saw Brokeback Mountian or starred in it, yes i'm talking to you Gyllenhaal, scroll down to the bottom... in fact just leave this blog if you thought that piece of shit movie was so great... Damn you Gyllenhaal ... you were Donnie Darko.. Donnie Darko man....... now look what you sunk to.. gay cowboy...... why? to push the envelope with gay cowboys?... that's nothing new. Barry and Ira Shalowitz in City Slickers, Roy Rogers, Any country music star with highlights and make up, The Village People.......... i could go on but you get the point.. so why Jake? you owe me an explanation... now your going to be remember for

"God, I wish I knew how to quit you!"

I hope your happy... now what the fuck was i talking about.

Ok so basically the movie is 100 comics telling the same joke. The only thing that is the same is the begining and punchline, while each comics makes up the between...... and let me take the time to say Bob Saget filthiest comic in this thing.... I think he even says send that to the Olsen twins after he's done telling the joke. Its like you see his alter ego he had to form to stay sane after playing Danny Tanner for so many years and hosting America's funniest videos........... the man has no filter... i bet he's thinking of fucking children in a clown suit right now..

So I thought what the hell let's tell the joke... Email me your version and I'll post it to show people how fucked up you are.


A man walks into a talent agents office and says that he has an act. The agent says well what do you do in the act. The man says

Great... let me go ahead and show you I have the whole family outside.. Well first my 12 year old son walks out with a 30ft ladder and a sack full of corn. He weighs the corn in front of the auidence its normally is around 16lbs, sets up the ladder and climbs to the top with the corn and starts eating. While he's doing this my 9 year old daughter rides in on a ariabian horse wearing a white dress and pearl necklace, cute as can be, the spotlight signs on her and she starts singing Twinkle Twinkle little star, acapella of course.

Then my wife walks my grandfather, he's 88 hard to walk around, walks him out and places him behind my daughter, pulls down his pants, give him a rusty trombone and then he starts masturbating. Then I walk out in nothing but golf shoes with my golf bag and 2 clubs a driver and a putter. I set my bag down and my wife walks over and starts giving me head until my daughter finshes Twinkle Twinkle little star or until i nut on the crowd, helps to get the audience involved.

Then my daughter starts singing new song Bohemian Rhapsody, I take out driver, my wife walks 15ft to the left of me stirps down to nothing and i start driving golf balls at her ass. As I try to drive balls in my wife's asshole, my son finishes the bag of corn and a shit from the 30ft ladder on to me causing me to give the perfect swing and drive a golf ball in my wife's asshole and yells ONE IN HOLE, she's dyslexic and starts eating the corn shit off of me and spitting it out into a big pile. A ocasionally vomint on her because lets face it....... thats gross. My sons climbs off the ladder and grabs another bag, this time full of peanuts and climbs back up and starts eating.

While my daughter goes into the guitar solo of Bohemian Rhapsody my dog comes out dragging my grandmother who we put in a wheelbarrow. Then I start fucking my dog and then he fucks me. My son finishes his peanuts and takes a shit from a top the ladder it lands perfectly alongside the pile of cornshit that my wife has made.

Right about this time my daughter gets to the "nothing really matters" lyrics and goes into a classic Freddie Mecury stance while my grandfather shoots cum over her head. Then my daughter stands by the pile of shit peanuts, while my dog gets by the shit with corn. I say go and they begin picking out the peanuts and corn with their teeth and putting it back in the bag. Then i ass fuck the winner. 9 times out of 10 its the dog. When we all form a ciricle around grandma hold hands and sing Jesus Loves Me this i know and start to vomit, cum, piss, and shit on her., and it doesn't bother her because she's dead. Then I take my putter and beat the horse my daughter rode in on until she cries or until the curtian drops.

The agent turns to the man and says, that's interesting what do you call the act?

The Aristocrats

Saturday, January 14, 2006


Alright as i promised for 06' time for my first mailbag post where I give you the public free advice.... evil, bad, retarded, dangerous, unhealthy advice.... bu hopefully you'll walk away with something. Ok lets reach in here.............. great.... one fucking letter...... one... This comes from Jungle Jane....

Dear Johnny,

Do you any handy tips for removing those pesky lubricant stains from the walls (don't ask) without ruining the paintwork?

luv jj

Dear JJ,

Let me just say you came to the right person. Because your an Aussie I need you go over some ground rules with you first..... well only one really. Leave your hands on the table palms up where i can see them you dirty ex con.. and why we're talking about Aussies can you guys take Mel Gibson back.... we don't want him anymore.. Mad Max, Lethal Weapon, Braveheart, Payback... all great.. but we're done with him. Honestly if he pops his shoulder in another movie I'm sure a mob will lynch him.... probably a jewish mob.. don't you guys have a Baywatchesc show for him... so he can fill a Hasslehoff role for the rest of his career? or is Paul Hogan already doing that? Seriously take him back.... Ok... Now.... lets see... lubericant on paintwork.... hmmmmm..... paintwork? (a little more detail when you email me people) paintwork on your car? paintwork on your wall? your plane? the paintwork on the bullseye tattoo you have on your lower back?

Right away the best advice i can tell you to do for your lube problem... and i advise this to everyone with problems............ Have a baby.. it will solve your problem... Have a fucking baby.. I can't stress this enough.. Get knocked up and squirt out a kid.. Open up the wardrobe to your Narnia.

That baby will solve all your problems. Its going to take up so much of your time that you won't have time to get lube on your paintwork.... and then you can start applying for govt money (talk to shane about this) plus you can take all those baby gifts friends and family get you and return them... then use that money to replace your paintwork.... Don't give me this "what about the baby's needs? Won't i have to spent money on the baby?" bullshit.... All that baby needs is a flat rock some straw to sleep on and a tit and he'll or she'll be fine...... just look at how calzone turned out.. and when the paintwork is replaced and the stains have been cleaned up sell the kid for some blow.... but make sure you keep that govt check coming in...... .......

........ but now that i think about it... you are Austrialian ..... and the world doesn't need another born criminal in this world. So forget about the baby thing..... unless you need some blow.

Look JJ, what's wrong with a little lube on the paintwork? You need to look at this as artwork not a problem... You think Jackson Pollock was so genuis that he woke up started splashing paint around out of no where? and don't give me that he was interested in Carl Jung's theory of primitive archetypes..... no... ... There's a few things about Pollock they won't tell you in art class..

Pollock was a nympho
eating got him horny
and he loved to blow his load on the kitchen wall...

Well after a year stains on the wall.. Pollack was eating a turkey sandwhich admiring his stains.... (the man was in psychoanalytic therapy for several years so don't tell me any wouldn't starte at cum stains)..... so Pollack eats a sandwhich starts noticing the dirt and mustard stains mix in with the cum stains (another thing about Pollack messy eater and never cleaned).... his wife comes in and demands he cleans that shit up... he had been promising for year to clean it.. he just hadn't had time to.. so he cleans it... misses it so much that he recreates it with a painting and hangs it on the wall.... gets him off everytime he looks at it.... so he makes some more paintings... ..... all because of stains..... and now you know where the "drip" techinque really comes from.

So hang up some canvases or a sheet over your the paintwork of your car, plane, wall, whatever it is your lubeing all over and start staining. Then tell everyone how mentally unstable you are and how you had to fight depression and sell your shit for a couple of grand.

Always there,


P.S. you can take your hands of the table now.

Anyone else experiencing problems and need free evil, bad, retarded, dangerous, unhealthy advice. Send your worries to

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Slow news day

Wow, was everyone thinking what i was thinking when all the national coverage broke out on these trapped miners:

- don't they have machines that mine coal now.
- what a slow news day
- Natalie Morales wants me. Why is Rita Crosby on MSNBC she's not even doable?

- Does West Virgina have a Starbucks?

Seriously we don't have machines or robots that can go down the tunnel scoop some dirt up and bring it back to the surface for people shift through and pull out coal... is that to advance for us?

If Johnny fuckin 5 can shoot a laser, escape from a military base and fuck Ally Sheedy 56 diffrent ways.. ...then i think we can build a machine to scoop coal.... by the way.... am i the only one knows about Ally Sheedy and Johnny 5 sex scene that got cut from that movie? some of the best 80's robot porn cinemagraphy.... oh well .... maybe in 2040 we'll get the patton for one and wait another 40 years for NASA to build it.... maybe they'll have invented a sand bag packing machine by then also. But for now why are we even putting human beings down there? Its fucking dangerous. I think the british had it right the first time... kids or forgieners should be doing this work until we know that it is 100% safe.

Was anyone really into this news?.. ..... me either... why is that.. because it was in West Virginia?

The only 2 things come to mind when i think of West Virgina... Shawn Miller and the Mountaineers... and now coal i guess.. so make that 3 ... which isn't good, but when in doubt judge a state by its beauty.... lets look at Miss West Virgina... ......................... let's see.............................. ................ uh huh...... ................. ok........................ ................ yeah...... ....... not good.. ..... not good at all.... what are you doing WVA you should of stuck with Heather Estep.

maybe it was because they were miners?

As you know miners by nature are evil. The Zorin corperation (When Christopher Walken is casted as your leader, you are evil or mentally challenged) The miners in Temple of Doom, The Zoolander family was mean and hated Derek... ........ ..........and before you start with the "They were hard working americans. This was a tragic accident. Mining is a dangerous job, they supply energy for the nation. This was a coraporte screw up." Let me stop you and say .. drop the fucking potatoe chip... drop it right now from your fat pudgey face and start excerising..

The real tragedy is that all of those miners were going to eventually get black lung and die at the ripe age of 60 before their pension kicks and go into convulsions in their bed as family members watch and can't do a thing about it.. you won't see that being covered in the news.... maybe on Lifetime. And i could think of 100 for tragic ways of dying than lack of oxygen,things getting a little dim.. and you go to sleep... but i'll only name a few and i'll make them all coal miner related.

  • Being crushed to death from a collapse
  • Inhaling 50 years worth of Carbon into your lungs
  • Someone turning out the lights to the tunnels and leaving you there for the holidays
  • Run over by a mine cart
  • Pick Ax to the head
  • Pick Ax to the groin
  • Pick Ax to your hands and feet and then into your side
  • Bat mauling
  • Allergic reaction to coal
  • Rescuers finding you and thinking that your already dead so they don't rush to save you
  • Someone strikes a match and decides to bar-bq since they have all that coal
  • Swallowing coal on a dare to put it in your mouth
  • Canary mauling
  • Electrocuted by the light on your helemet
  • A serial pick ax murderer loose in the mine

Or maybe we didn't care because of Rita Crosby was reporting the story?

MSNBC you are winning me over with your lets get hot females to report stratgey..... but why is Rita Crosby on your staff? She's not even remotely doable except in that "I'm drunk its last call i'm going home with something to bust a nut... she'll do" way. Let's take a look at the MSNBC female lineup by far the best group as whole..... Look I have a full proof plan that will work............ If your not going to fire her for being ugly then demote Rita Crosby, let her brush all the other anchor's hair and tell them how good they look or whatever it is that fat ugly girls do to hang out with attractive people..... let her do that and move Sharon Tay to a reporter and give her some more face time... .... Feel free to call me Sharon and we can talk about asian stuff. Sorry Rita, hot asian trumps ugly everytime.

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