Mailbag
Alright as i promised for 06' time for my first mailbag post where I give you the public free advice.... evil, bad, retarded, dangerous, unhealthy advice.... bu hopefully you'll walk away with something. Ok lets reach in here.............. great.... one fucking letter...... one... This comes from Jungle Jane....
Dear Johnny,
Do you any handy tips for removing those pesky lubricant stains from the walls (don't ask) without ruining the paintwork?
luv jj
Dear JJ,
Let me just say you came to the right person. Because your an Aussie I need you go over some ground rules with you first..... well only one really. Leave your hands on the table palms up where
i can see them you dirty ex con.. and why we're talking about Aussies can you guys take Mel Gibson back.... we don't want him anymore.. Mad Max, Lethal Weapon, Braveheart, Payback... all great.. but we're done with him. Honestly if he pops his shoulder in another movie I'm sure a mob will lynch him.... probably a jewish mob.. don't you guys have a Baywatchesc show for him... so he can fill a Hasslehoff role for the rest of his career? or is Paul Hogan already doing that? Seriously take him back.... Ok... Now.... lets see... lubericant on paintwork.... hmmmmm..... paintwork? (a little more detail when you email me people) paintwork on your car? paintwork on your wall? your plane? the paintwork on the bullseye tattoo you have on your lower back?
Right away the best advice i can tell you to do for your lube problem... and i advise this to everyone with problems............ Have a baby.. it will solve your problem... Have a fucking baby.. I can't stress this enough.. Get knocked up and squirt out a kid.. Open up the wardrobe to your Narnia.
That baby will solve all your problems. Its going to take up so much of your time that you won't have time to get lube on your paintwork.... and then you can start applying for govt money (talk to shane about this) plus you can take all those baby gifts friends and family get you and return them... then use that money to replace your paintwork.... Don't give me this "what about the baby's needs? Won't i have to spent money on the baby?" bullshit.... All that baby needs is a flat rock some straw to sleep on and a tit and he'll or she'll be fine...... just look at how calzone turned out.. and when the paintwork is replaced and the stains have been cleaned up sell the kid for some blow.... but make sure you keep that govt check coming in...... .......
........ but now that i think about it... you are Austrialian ..... and the world doesn't need another born criminal in this world. So forget about the baby thing..... unless you need some blow.
Look JJ, what's wrong with a little lube on the paintwork? You need to look at this as artwork not a problem... You think Jackson Pollock was so genuis that he woke up started splashing paint around out of no where? and don't give me that he was interested in Carl Jung's theory of primitive archetypes..... no... ... There's a few things about Pollock they won't tell you in art class..
Pollock was a nympho
eating got him horny
and he loved to blow his load on the kitchen wall...
Well after a year stains on the wall.. Pollack was eating a turkey sandwhich admiring his stains.... (the man was in psychoanalytic therapy for several years so don't tell me any wouldn't starte at cum stains)..... so Pollack eats a sandwhich starts noticing the dirt and mustard stains mix in with the cum stains
(another thing about Pollack messy eater and never cleaned).... his wife comes in and demands he cleans that shit up... he had been promising for year to clean it.. he just hadn't had time to.. so he cleans it... misses it so much that he recreates it with a painting and hangs it on the wall.... gets him off everytime he looks at it.... so he makes some more paintings... ..... all because of stains..... and now you know where the "drip" techinque really comes from.
So hang up some canvases or a sheet over your the paintwork of your car, plane, wall, whatever it is your lubeing all over and start staining. Then tell everyone how mentally unstable you are and how you had to fight depression and sell your shit for a couple of grand.
Always there,
Menace
P.S. you can take your hands of the table now.
Anyone else experiencing problems and need free evil, bad, retarded, dangerous, unhealthy advice. Send your worries to johnnymenace@gmail.com
Dear Johnny,
Do you any handy tips for removing those pesky lubricant stains from the walls (don't ask) without ruining the paintwork?
luv jj
Dear JJ,
Let me just say you came to the right person. Because your an Aussie I need you go over some ground rules with you first..... well only one really. Leave your hands on the table palms up where
i can see them you dirty ex con.. and why we're talking about Aussies can you guys take Mel Gibson back.... we don't want him anymore.. Mad Max, Lethal Weapon, Braveheart, Payback... all great.. but we're done with him. Honestly if he pops his shoulder in another movie I'm sure a mob will lynch him.... probably a jewish mob.. don't you guys have a Baywatchesc show for him... so he can fill a Hasslehoff role for the rest of his career? or is Paul Hogan already doing that? Seriously take him back.... Ok... Now.... lets see... lubericant on paintwork.... hmmmmm..... paintwork? (a little more detail when you email me people) paintwork on your car? paintwork on your wall? your plane? the paintwork on the bullseye tattoo you have on your lower back?Right away the best advice i can tell you to do for your lube problem... and i advise this to everyone with problems............ Have a baby.. it will solve your problem... Have a fucking baby.. I can't stress this enough.. Get knocked up and squirt out a kid.. Open up the wardrobe to your Narnia.
That baby will solve all your problems. Its going to take up so much of your time that you won't have time to get lube on your paintwork.... and then you can start applying for govt money (talk to shane about this) plus you can take all those baby gifts friends and family get you and return them... then use that money to replace your paintwork.... Don't give me this "what about the baby's needs? Won't i have to spent money on the baby?" bullshit.... All that baby needs is a flat rock some straw to sleep on and a tit and he'll or she'll be fine...... just look at how calzone turned out.. and when the paintwork is replaced and the stains have been cleaned up sell the kid for some blow.... but make sure you keep that govt check coming in...... .......
........ but now that i think about it... you are Austrialian ..... and the world doesn't need another born criminal in this world. So forget about the baby thing..... unless you need some blow.
Look JJ, what's wrong with a little lube on the paintwork? You need to look at this as artwork not a problem... You think Jackson Pollock was so genuis that he woke up started splashing paint around out of no where? and don't give me that he was interested in Carl Jung's theory of primitive archetypes..... no... ... There's a few things about Pollock they won't tell you in art class..
Pollock was a nympho
eating got him horny
and he loved to blow his load on the kitchen wall...
Well after a year stains on the wall.. Pollack was eating a turkey sandwhich admiring his stains.... (the man was in psychoanalytic therapy for several years so don't tell me any wouldn't starte at cum stains)..... so Pollack eats a sandwhich starts noticing the dirt and mustard stains mix in with the cum stains
(another thing about Pollack messy eater and never cleaned).... his wife comes in and demands he cleans that shit up... he had been promising for year to clean it.. he just hadn't had time to.. so he cleans it... misses it so much that he recreates it with a painting and hangs it on the wall.... gets him off everytime he looks at it.... so he makes some more paintings... ..... all because of stains..... and now you know where the "drip" techinque really comes from. So hang up some canvases or a sheet over your the paintwork of your car, plane, wall, whatever it is your lubeing all over and start staining. Then tell everyone how mentally unstable you are and how you had to fight depression and sell your shit for a couple of grand.
Always there,
Menace
P.S. you can take your hands of the table now.
Anyone else experiencing problems and need free evil, bad, retarded, dangerous, unhealthy advice. Send your worries to johnnymenace@gmail.com
posted by Johnny Menace at 7:00 AM
27 Comments:
so is yer blog now a "dear abby" type thing? wait'll ya get a load of some of our questions......
yes shane.. it is dear abby, i'm replacing the old cunt.. soon to be syndicated "dear menace".. and then i'll get an HBO series.
fag
My dog blows his load on the wall. Is he an artist?
anon - why don't you ask him?
bill - yes. YMCA... Does J to the C make you dress as the gay cowboy from the village people or that your own choice? and if so what other apostles have to dress like the village people? what number apostle are you?
thanks for not answering a damn question
Johnny your advice was so useful! you have a future in the Oprah industry i tell you. I especially liked the bit about having a baby. just what the world needs - more trailer park trash kids with snotty noses and ringworm.
you did fuck up on the micro detail quite significantly though and i am not sure if this affects your advice or whether my hands still need to be visible. i hope not - it's terribly hard for me to flick my bean when my hands are so far from my Narnia.
Back to your lack of attention to detail: for the last time people I AM NOT AUSTRALIAN. i just live in this land of red sand and nice stinky weed. i am South African.
does that mean i can wash the walls down safe in the knowledge that my fake tuscan water-paint will not reek of strawberry gloob?
thank so much for caring! you should come and live in australia! we need folk like you!
so jungle jane, if you moved to america, then you'd be african-american right?
South African American
sorry to complicate matters further but i also hold a british passport. i tried to do the math but it just got messy...like my walls...
I LOVE: "FAG"...best comment ever!
bill - i hate to break it to you bill but jesus has numbers for you all... oh yes he has favorites.
jj - I too would like to point out one micro detail... it says austrialin under your profile but hey its not like my advice would change... maybe the hand thing.. maybe..
snob - dad?
shane - great question
shawn - yeah you don't want to be associated with those other africans.
jj - have you put those canvases up yet?
mitz - ...... ..... ...... i don't know what to say. i'd like to credit shane. he's my inspiration for that comment. Shane without you being a fag i would have never had the urge to type that comment..... well actually bill would have come along and i would have eventually called him a fag...
did you get the questioned i e-mailed to ya?
johnny dude let's meet halfway on this thing. allow me the hand, yeah?
and mate while i am here changing the subject can you PLEASE lose the word verification thing? please?
yeah fag. lose the word verification and answer the goddamn question i e-mailed you.
cap'n i think he only answers questions from Australia...
Whats up dilly..I got a question...why did you give me herpes?
shane - yes i got your question. and yes even if you close door and blinds and do that with a plunger it still makes you a fag.
jj - your hands are free... open the wardrobe... ok. but the first spam i get it goes back up.
cal - i'll get to that in my next mailbag. By the way you never thanked me for free abortion.. you think i liked using my good steak knifes and probing around until a placenta falls out... well i didn't. but i'll never forget your words after it was over.... "that tickled"
The White Devil has been spotted at The Cabana.
Repeat, there has been a White Devil sighting at The Cabana....
That was a long fucking post, dude. I can't remember what I wanted to tell you.
i love you man..thanks for searching for me...
awesome advice.you should charge.
wes - he's come to collect the reward money.
JC - who cares what you were going to ask me. Tell us about life in your 20s. The bible only covers teenage years and then skips right to 30s. What happen in between? Did you get an apartment? some roomates? what faternity did you pledge?
wd - i can't quit you.
Geez - keep your hands on the table where i can see them.
i see you've been helping everyone with their problems, J., but who helps you?
(don't even think about emailing me....i don't give a fuck about your problems)
Interesting website with a lot of resources and detailed explanations.
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