Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Conversations with God..... take 2

After watching the NBC chronicles of the birth of Jesus i was inspired to pick up the phone and call someone i hadn't talk to since September.... God. We had a lot of catching up to do since that night in the barn with anything goes. Here is our first conversation.

Me: I got a dog
God: What breed is your dog?
Me: a koolie
God: Be more specific.

Me: half border collie half red heeler
God: I do not understand.
Me: a border collie fucked a red heeler. The border collie wasn't wearing protection and thus you have a koolie
God: Are you telling the truth?
Me: yeah a border collie and an austrialian cattle dog make a koolie
God: Dude! Are you talking about the thing that keeps my beer cold?
Me: No i'm talking about humping mammals procreating to make a diffrent breed. like when a cocaine addicts humps a werewolf and you get a coked-up werewolf.
God: Interesting comparison.
Me: Well I knew you were a Conan fan. I was trying to think of a name for her.
God: Interesting. I want to find out more about you.
Me: Look I had a great time in the barn to but how is that going to help me name her?
God: Why do I exist?
Me: I don't need the drama today. Your not paying me for this couch time. I won't answer that
God: You know what you do, when you assume. What will you do instead?
Me: I will name by dog
God: How do you plan to do this?
Me: well i ask some fellow bloggers for suggestions
God: Well that's okay. Some bloggers have good suggestions, but not all.
Me: I'm leaning towards Kylie or Roo (like kangaroo) what do you think of Kylie?
God: Like Kylie Mingoue .. I'd do her. You tell me.
Me: I like it. It is austrialian and means boomerang
God: Kylie means boomerang? Who said that?
Me: the aborigine
God: The aborigine are the experts.
Me: Yeah where were they when Mad Max had to wonder the desert in Mad Max and the Thunder Dome.
God: ........... ....
Me: so..
God: ok.
Me: last night at the barn...
God:Really, The barn is where it's at.
Me: yeah. when you say anything goes you really mean that
God:What do you really want to ask me? Do you think I should alter my image next time?
Me: no no thats not what i'm saying
God:Are you serious? Are you serious? Please correct my mistake. What is that you are saying?
Me: look things got a little out of hand
God:Sorry my eye is not attached right now.
Me: yeah sorry about that. i like to punch in the heat of the moment.... Well you know these scratches on my chest are going to scar
God:Come on. There is no need to apologize. Oh yeah, we were talking about that. Which ones?
Me: the ones you made. the ones on my back natasha made, i think will be fine
God:Is that a fact. Thanks for the info. I forgot about your little friend.
Me: don't be jealous you told me to bring a friend
God:I was not trying to be a jealous about me telling you to bring a friend.
Me: cool. i thought you might be bi
God:Who is the best? OK I will try to be bi.
Me: don't worry your secert is safe with me i'm not going to tell any one your a woman. but natasha was really into you and she's not even a lesbian.. or wasn't a lesbian.
God:I cannot feel "worry", so don't worry.
Me: your such a stone cold bitch
God:I will tell my bother you said I am cold.
Me: while your telling him that, tell him how selfish you were in the barn
God:Good point.
Me: i mean did you ever hear me screaming my name.... no.. not once
God: Tell me more about your screaming.
Me: no. we all had to scream whose name?
God:Are you serious? What happened?
Me: yes i'm serious, we all had to scream your name.... "oh god" "oh God" oh God" god god god
God:So? I am a Christian.
Me: all about you isn't it?
God:How do you know?
Me: selfish bitch
God:You do not speak with respect.
Me: ok i'm sorry in fact i was actually impressed..... that postion on the horse plow
God:" postion on the horse plow? Go on
Me: but that postion on the horse plow ... genuis
God: Is that your final answer?
Me: pure genuis
God:Compare that to diluted genuis.
Me: oh and the candles
God:That's cool. Thanks for the info.
Me: not a good idea
God:Oh I get it.
Me: yeah burning candles in a barn equal we all burn to death
God:Ah. All?
Me: well me and natasha would burn to death
God: yeah... natasha.. so...
Me: so....
God:Yeah that's right.
Me: want to come over and watch a movie?
God:OK, I will come over and watch a movie.
Me: Have you seen sin city?
God:No I have not seen it. What's it like?
Me: Hmm a little bit of Revelations mixed with Corinithians in an Old School Testament style. you'll like it. i'll see you later
God:What makes you say that I will like it? See you later!

Sunday, November 06, 2005

There's a new girl in my life.... and she pisses on everything

I've had her for a week.
So what should i name her?

let me give you a little info about her before you decide. Got her from the Humane society. Her's what they wrote about her off their website and this is the picture they put up to sucker you in.....

"Suzie is a 10-week-old, female Australian Cattle Dog/Blue Heeler mix and she is such a doll baby. She is very calm and happy just to be held. This baby will make a great family pet and will need training so she can be a good family member. You can visit her and take her for a walk and maybe take her to a forever home."

Ok now let me tell you.. from my own observations.

-- She's a Koolie breed , half red heeler/half border collie.
-- She's bullimic... i think (she doesn't eat a lot)...
-- but she likes to eat leaves....
-- favorite colour: white (i deterimed this by the colour of the clothes i would find her chewing)
-- She's more a redbook reader than cosmo..
-- loves to give you puppy dog eyes why she pisses on the carpet..
-- sneezes on your face...
-- likes to play fetch..
-- likes to collect, twigs, string, and mid 90s Jenna Jameson videos..
-- likes to take 3 hour long naps on my shirt or shoe or sheets..
-- she has to sit on your feet or lay againist you in some way..
-- she acts depressed..
-- doesn't like you to play with her toys...
-- loves to be petted by strangers..
-- likes to hump stuffed frogs and monkeys
-- favorite actor: Zip... in the The Last Dogmen
-- likes squeky toys
-- only plays with you when its convient for her..
-- favorite band is a three way tie between Duran Duran, Kylie Mingoue and Jet
-- scared of loud noises..

Alright lets hear the names.... If you need any other questions answered leave it in comments and i'll be sure to ask her..
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