Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Conversations with God...... take 3

I had a recent converasation with god after joining the ninja fuckhammar kitten killers with man butter on Blog Survivor. Here are my 2 previous conversations with the big cheese.

Me: Hey
God: Can I help you?

Me: look i know its been a long time
God: It has been a long time.

Me: Well it has been since.... Novmember since we last talked

God: Well that's okay. What took so long?

Me: i figured you would have answered at least 500 billion prayers by now

God: Oh. Please explain your reasoning.

Me: Its a math equation. Time multipied by your average number of prayers per day.

God: is a math equation. I suppose
that makes sense. As Einstein said, "Time is Money.".
Me: So what did you think of the movie

God: OK. I don't know anything about it.

Me: Sin City the one i invited you to watch last time we talked

God: It was alright. I'm not into the artsy shit.

Me: Oh i see... well you should of said something..

God: Do you think about these things?

Me: I think about us

God: Why? Oh yeah, we were talking about us.

Me: Alright fine. I see how it is going to be

God: Alright, . Does that mean you agree? Where do you see it?

Me: Do i have a choice to agree. You are god. It is always your way.

God: Yup. That's me alright.

Me: We will always have the barn

God: Anytime soon?

Me: do you want me to bring natasha again? and is it anything goes again?

God: Once more? No , maybe later. Once more? It depends who you ask.

Me: Ok. I need to ask you a question.

God: Pardon me? Ask me. Ask me anything.

Me: I am playing survivor

God: Do you play professionally or just for fun?
Me: for fun. I need you to be on our side

God: Why do you need it so badly?
Me: Because when ever i watch sports the team that wins always has god on their side

God: Interesting explanation. Does that happen often?

Me: I think it always happens. Whoever has god on their side wins. Everytime.

God: my way happens. We were talking about my way.
Me: The team that does not have god loses

God: Who told you that?

Me: No one. I figured it out logically

God: Then how do you know. Please explain your reasoning.

Me: Well.. everytime they invertiew and athlete on winning he says that you were with him and on his side... You never see the losing team say that God was with me.... So you are like 9,824,823,652-0 lifetime.. You helped Kurt Warner win a super bowl.. You helped Tim Duncan win MVPs.. You helped Derek Jeter bang Marey Carey.... and people who didn't believe in you The Tampa Bay Devil Rays.. Isiah Thomas.. Spike Lee.. Bill Lambier.. Don Matiengly.. all losers ... and the people that dared to win without you... You gave Greg Louganis AIDS and turned him into a homo.. you turned A-Rod into a queer and gave him purple lips... You gave Lance Armstrong cancer...... so as you can see i want to win but i want you on my side so i don't turn out to be a gay aids guy with cancer and purple lips..... Shane can handle it ... I can't..can you do it
... will you be on our side
God: Let me think it over. OK I will try to be on our side.

Me: If you are to busy can we borrow Jesus

God: I think I sometimes am. I don't know whether or not I am to busy. Jesus.is busy to making wine, fish, and other magic tricks
. He wants to be better than Lance Burton. I am well respected as God.
Me: come on.....at least for a week

God: Is that among the best things you can say?
Me: yes... i'm a selfish bastard... think about it
God: I will give it some thought.

Me: so

God: Hmm.

Me: You want to hit the barn again

God: Once more? OK, I will hit the barn.

Since that conversation... We won the first challenge... the other team voted off a dead guy.. thinks got sticky under the table... and then God brought down his wrath and shutdown the blog and the game was over.. thus no link to the survivor game.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Excerpts from "I think your brillant"...... June 23-25 '06

I think the title is self-explanitory.... Random partial excerts put together in chronological order from a long ass chain letter.. This post covers June 23-25.. Enjoy.


.......Just thought you should know this. Nice shirt...

....and i think you're trying to get in my peripheral vision...

..as long as it's not your focal point.....

...as long as you stay in your corner...

..I always stay in my corner until Im summoned.... But only the part of me that agrees a bag on the head is a damn good idea.... Wear your members only jacket for me.... come on. You ever slice your jugular on your collars ever?

..This is going to be a long chain letter isn't it....... ...
Is she going to run up and hit me over the head with the bat
Is she going to read phone numbers
Is she just going to sit in the corner and drink

...I would most likely rip most of the pages out of the phone book, stick them in the top of the scotch bottle... light them and smack the bottle out the window with the bat ......... the banana leaf shirt is a red flag too...... I'd be happy to help you fashion-wise in any way... especially when it comes to your obvious desire to be a vampire.

...but once we hit that magic number I might use it for a running series on my blog "Excerts from the longest chain letter" or something like that. I'm no expert on physics and explosives but I am sure of three things when it comes to your molotov cocktail........
the room at the Anatole would catch on fire
you would catch on fire
and i might blow my load at the sound of the explosion.

I milked a goat once and earned $5. Decent cheese too if you don't mind the coarse hair in it..... I would most definitely catch on fire..... I should tell my lawyers to be prepared. Thanks for the heads up. .... since you'd think I was some crazed panty thrower.

Dear crazy panty thrower,
why force the goat comment?.......You've been to dallas..and didn't get murdered, robbed or assualted.. congrats...... Seems like i would get a plaque or trophy for blowing my load by explosion...
Deftones, white pony album
electrical tape
and a typewriter

Dear 3rd grade sack race champion,
You're absolutely right. No need to force goats... I don't do plaques, I do trophies or bodily scarring...... I'm wearing my supergirl undies today

it was 5th place.. The ribbon was brown. Everyone got a ribbon. (do i comment about the undies..... hmmmmm.... neh.. she's going to take them off and throw them anyways)

I'll remember that should I end up there meandering around with my goat cheese........ So, if they're all about saving somebody elses ass does that make them ass pirates?.... you pegged the ice though.
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