Searching for White Devil... (Day 27)

"My life is a slut..my dick doesnt hit the bottom but it fucks the sides up...ENJOY..." - WD

I know what most of you are saying..... "I haven't read poetry like that in 27 days".... White Devil... aka white satan, aka pasty lucifer, or to some who know him best.... cunt or cuntface.... its time to face the truth... he is missing. Aducted, dead, gay, or even gone mental.... I don't know but we need to find him. Don't worry i've already takin the first step and sent the information to CNN, its in their policy to cover missing white people.....

In the mean time i've hired Nancy Grace to help us out....

BREAKING NEWS out of Bootleg, MD ..... Another caucasion has not been seen since Monday October 3rd. Over 27 days missing.... Now here's Nancy Grace........

Nancy: Thank you Johnny Menace and welcome everybody Natalie Hollowa....

JM: Uh Nancy let's focus on the new missing person here. Everytime you mention Natalie Holloway a puppy dies.

Nancy: ...sorry old habbit.. The search has began for a missing man, W..Wha..Wh..it.e.... Devvv.....il, come on....... seriously White Devil?.....

JM: His friends call him cunt.

Nancy: .... i'm not saying that on air...

JM: Come on say it.. let it out Nancy

Nancy: No. No its dirty.

JM: Come on. Come on. you know you want to.

Nancy: No. absolutely not. I'm a professional journalist...... White Devil out of Bootleg, MD has not been seen or heard from for 27 days now. Can we get a picture up there Menace?.....

Nancy: ok thank you... ....let's see as you can see White Devil has dark hair and Jennifer Wilbanks/pyscho killer greenish eyes.... we can tell he's obviously poor and can't even afford a new hat... ....that's so sad it breaks my heart.... If you have any information that could help find this man we urge you to call the Mt. Airy Police Department.... Ok joing me today... Menace who is our first guest?

JM: Guest? i ... i didn't line up any guest.

Nancy: You did what..... no guest well what ... how am i ... where's the information going to come from.. How in the hell are we going to find out who killed him?

JM: We don't know that he's dead.

Nancy: Oh..soooo. nieve .. look at this video clip

Nancy: Look.. look at him run away.. now if that isn't guilty i don't what is.. There's your murder.. you know Van Der Sloot murdered white devil.

JM: Ah... Nancy..

Nancy: Don't stop me at the begining of my rant. I am from Georgia... you here me! Georgia god damnit!... I know how to snap my neck and say girlfriend... ok.. so back off.. I was somebody in high school....i was someboy!

JM: i was just going to say you might not want to make assumptions on air and call people murderers in front of a national audience....... you know in case they sue you.... oh and you just killed a puppy, talking about Van der sloot counts to.

Nancy: What am i suppose to do with no guest?

JM: ok we'll get you some guest, some missing white devil theme music... let's just waste the rest of the time with missing white devil theories...

Nancy: Ok you do that.... i need scotch, mommy needs her sleep medicine.

..Ok.... Well here's a list of possible scenarios for White Devils dissaperance which we will explore in more detail next episode: (Please feel free to add any scenarios)


He's dead...(various sub scenarios on this one)
He's is knee deep in debt to the Phillpino mafia
He lives in Solomon Islands as a dolphin trader
He was kidnapped by his old babysitter
He is being hidin by the govt for his involvement in a CIA leak
He was caught stealing fruit in N. Korea and had his hands cut off
He slipped while masturbating and is in a coma
He is diseased
He's addicted to crack again and sold his computer
He's come out of the closet and now sails the seven seas with Cpt Sulu
He killed Rosa Parks
He's a pirate (like Steve in Dodgeball)
He is on a quest to find all the members of EMF and reunite the band.

Ok that's all i got.... I encourage you to leave a comment on his blog to let him know he owes us money. Join us next time when we will explore a few scenarios and have a special guest that could shed some light on White Devil's dissapearance. I'd like to end tonight's program the way a started with an excert by white devil.......

Dear Penis;

I know things have not been good and you always ask me to shave the area around you..I'm sorry and I promise we'll find action soon and please don't look down at the floor all the time when I look at you...

Your Buddy,
~WD

Mom's box of random shit (second edition the answer)

Sorry but no one of remotely close... everyone will get jack shit for guessing though. and for those of you who didn't guess.... well your missing out on getting jack shit. Here it is in all of its random glory....

four pumpkin things
a black bag
a blue frisbee
and some white rubber circular pad in a plastic bag.... i have no idea what its for.... either way its in the trash...
==========================

Recent conversation with mom

"Hi mom"
"Hi what are you doing"
"nothing.... i got your stuff... thanks"
"well good. I'm glad it got there"
"yeah.. thanks but i didn't have any room for it so i threw it in the trash"
"uh... why did you do that? I wouldn't have sent you that if i knew you were going to do that?"
"because i don't need a bag, a kid frisbee, and a coaster (at the time i thought the white rubber thing was a coaster but i'm still not quite sure what it was)... its junk. The pumpkins i can understand"
"well i thought you might want some of that"
"......nope .... its junk i threw it in the trash"
"well i should have given it to someone who will appericate it"
"yep... send it some kid for christmas. next time"
"well (she says well alot) i just might"
"ok..."
"well not much going on here. its a little cloudy. how's the weather there"
"good"
"hows work going?"
"good"
"do you need to talk to your father?"
"nope"
"hold i'll put him on...."

(converstation continues with dad while mom goes upstairs to pack more random shit to send me)

Mom's box of random shit (second edition)

Alright its only been ..... what a month.. and i've recieve another box of random shit from my mom. For those of you that missed what was in the first box.... check it out here....

I won't be able to put a picture of what's in the box this time until Saturday. So i thought i would let you all take a guess as to what's in the box... with the winner getting something of course... and my ego tells me it should be a picture of me, but i'll let the winner tell me what they want a picture of and i'll take it and email it to them... example... a picture of me hugging a black midget while eating oranges, or a picture of me slapping a child, a picture of vomit, a picture of poop, ..... well you get the idea... you request it i'll get the picture... that is if you win... and please try to specify what you want me to slapp if you so happen to choose that... I would hate to send you a picture of me slapping a child my way when you wanted me to slap them in the face instead.... details are important.

So to give you some hints, there are actually a total of 7 things in the box. 4 of the things are the same but in diffrent sizes. The box is light, a lot of those peanunt things and 4 things where bubble wrapped. The box is 13 1/2 inches by 13 1/2 inches.... Each item has its own colour... those colours consist of blue, orange, black, and white. oh and you only get one guess... If I think of any additional hints to give with out giving it away i'll be sure to post them in the comment section.

And while your thinking about it.. take a look at some picture from a halloween drinking contest courtsey of the wedding party.. ... you guys better have those pictures of by now... and congrats shane... when's round 2?

Letters from forgotten friends....85' (response)

Dear Snake Eyes,

How's the left arm? still working? are those screws still in tight? ... look... I know you said not to write you back.... but you wrote me on the hotel stationary ...and i called to the hotel to check and see if you were still there..... your still using that fake check-in name.... Mr. Bojangles.. Isn't it time for a new check-in name... it isn't exactly discrete and ninja like.

I would be more than happy to send you your uzi submachine gun, black backpack, and black sword..... but i'm afraid you'll have to come get those yourself. ..Maybe.... maybe in the pre-uni bomber/oklahoma city bombing/9-11 days i could of had overnighted it to you or paid a mexican a quarter to clean my gutters and then run it to you, but my gutters would come first. Times have changed and you can't mail deadly assualt weapons in the mail.... but i am sending your mix tape with this letter... its the tape Lady J made for you while you were recovering from surgery. Still have the playlist in sleeve here:


Side A
U2 - "With Or Without You"
RUN-DMC - "Walk This Way"
Kylie Minogue - "Locomotion"
George Michael - "Faith"
U2 - "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"
Bon Jovi - Wanted Dead Or Alive
Thompson Twins - King For Just One Day

Side B
The Cure - "Boys Don't Cry"
Fleetwood Mac - "Little Lies"
Lionel Richie - "Say You, Say Me"
The Cure - "Close to Me"
The Smiths - "Cemetary Gates"
R.E.M - "Superman"
Don Johnson - Heart Beat

........ Don fucking johnson I almost forgot about that miami vice phase you and Quick Kick went through. Remember when you wanted me to sand you down and paint a white suit on you.... you were so drunk... i think ... wait a minute... yeah... that's when you stabbed Roadblock.... that was fucking hilarious.. oh my god ..everyone was laughing so hard.., of course Roadblock hasn't stopped stutering since.......... ...hmmmm.. so... in your letter you seem a little pissed.. and at me off all people... well let me set the record straight.

First off... consider yourself lucky to be alive.. Some Joes lost their lives that day.. where's your respect? Alpine, Flash, Airbone, and Frostbite are now part of someone's home's foundation... that's right they were buried alive in cement...... i couldn't save them.. i.. i....... i thought i lost you in there to.... apart of me died that day.. I was never the same after the great war of 88'... After a few days passed and I hadn't heard from you i woke up in the middle of the night and caputred Firefly from Cobra...... I sanded Firefly's face and body to look like yours and painted him black..... I tortured the man... he died.. I sanded him down to the metal chrome and rubber bands.... You were my favorite... are still my favorite.. who surgically constructed you a new left arm after the dog bit yours off? That's right it was me.. I made the decision to take Breaker's left arm off and give it to you.. Just remember that when you press play to listen to the mix tape.

Yo Joe,
Menace

And to answer your questions...
P.S. - No.. she thought you were dead and wanted to have a piece of you to remember. Wait until i tell her your alive.. you are going to have some huge alimony payments.
P.P.S. - Wait until you hear what he did to your dog.

Letters from forgotten friends..... 85'

Dear Menace,

Hi. Its me..... Snake Eyes. Its been so long... i... i don't know where to begin. I know I'm the last person you expected to hear from. It took some time to collect my thoughts and figure out what to write you.... I mean.. What do you say to the man that left me for dead in sand hill collapse of '88..... You never came for me. I waited in that dark cold cave with one air hole. I lived off mud cakes and rain water for 2 months. 2 FUCKING MONTHS! Eventually, I was shoveled out by a Puerto Rican man and taken hostage. He passed me off to his kid, who used me as his personal toothpick. I was forced to sleep with the chickens outside like an animal and spent many nights inside a dogs mouth..... and yes once he had to crap he me out....... i lost my soul that day.... that day i knew you weren't coming for me. Why?

Was easier to replace me?... You oh me some answers. Why did you leave me in the sand? What the fuck was I even doing in the sand? I'm a fucking ninja... Ninjas don't belong in the sand. I was buried alive for 2 months.... why didn't you come for me, why didn't you keep digging? I thought I was your favorite. I hope you can live with what you did to me.. you'll have plenty of time to think about it in hell. . ...... ..... ......... ....anyways..... its been a long time... and i'm not asking you for anything... all i want is what's mine? Can you sent me back my uzi submachine gun, black backpack, black sword, and tell me where i can pick up my grey wolf, Timber, Bazzoka Joe was watching him at the time of the accident? I'll pay you back for the postage after a find a steady job.... Ninja Skills aren't in high demand like they use to be in the 80's. The starbucks down the street has an opening... so.. you can at least cross your fingers for me. Don't try and contact me, you'll never find me. Just send me my stuff and you can go on pretending that i died in that sand collapse.

Your #1 Joe,
Snake Eyes

P.S. - Did Lady J have that abortion like I told her to get?
P.P.S. Is Duke still an asshole?

You can wear it anywhere

Hmmmmm..... where to start... First and foremost thanks to the thunderstorm that soaked my clothes while walking a mile to the hotel.... parking was a bitch... a big sloppy wet bitch that makes you strip down into a bathrobe.

I think the bathrobe suits me... and it is amazing the clubs and strip joints you can get into wearing a bathrobe when you tell them your with a bachelor party.... but i can't wear my sun glasses inside? what the fuck? I'm wearing a robe and underwear.... but your worried about my sunglasses?

Now I try to make it a point to strut in a bathrobe around the hotel... go down to the lobby say hello.. read a magazine or two.... enjoy the water fountain... have a little dinner at 3:45am, only to have the waiter tell you he won't serve you because your not wearing shoes (which was careless on my part who walks around bathrobe and sun glasses without slippers).

And to answer all your questions... the drink of choice for the night was vodka....... and i'm still sweating it out of my system.