Menacing Mission: Week 1
So after meeting Satan in Lewiston, ID for pancakes I traveled south-east and down through Utah, then Kansas... smack dab into Oklahoma...
all in pursuit of finding Johnny Menace.
I was certain I would find him somewhere in Utah making anatomically correct paper dollies with the special ed Mormons in Provo... or slathered in Zebras at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo in Colorado.
Nope, no dice. Sorry folks.
What I did find were these other really cool and fascinating things that made me think I could get seriously distracted on this journey and never return home.
And not returning home might not be so bad... since rents due and I'm broke... and the landlord keeps using my body in disgusting ways already...
and he tells me as he hits me that "Johnny never complained..."
I'll have to sleep with his wife if I don't come back with money for rent... and his 13 year old son too. Probably at the same time while I pet his schnauzer "Frank" and max out on 40 tabs of extasy just to keep rolling with the punches...
"Why can't you be more like Johnny..." he'll yell at me.. I just know it. That fucking landlord bastard.
....
Anyway, where was I? Oh, other interesting things... right. Okay.
First, Chief Baconrind. Welcome to Skedee. Right, where am I?
That's right. Tonto Baconrind and Col. C. Walters shook hands that day and decided "friendship was best put your injuns to the test." So.. Col. Walters put in a Walmart and sent most of the good Indian women to adorn terrible blue vests and wear hair-nets when working the snack bar.
Meanwhile good ol' Chief Baconrind got kickbacks from the Walmart and had his choice of the best of everything... yep.... to pork any single white woman under "birthin' age" in Skedee Oklahoma... AND he was awarded a beautiful homestead to keep these preteen puppets... a 5 bedroom home....
Baconrind felt the home was not as charming as the tee-pee he pitched in his yard so long ago- before the white man brought him down.
So he slept in that instead..... or so we thought...
Because even though the home was a bit much for the modest man... Baconrind was only using that as a great excuse to cover up the fact that he had a grow operation of Artichokes and Soy Beans inside.. to cope with his addictive veganism issue.
Chief Baconrind was hung.
The Walmart prospered.
Baconrind Jr. began a cross-pollination growth experience by combining soy and marijuana by elecrotherapy hydroponics and cooking oil.
Col. Walters Jr. bought it in bulk and sold it to residents in Tulsa...
There you go, a little history for you.
all in pursuit of finding Johnny Menace.
I was certain I would find him somewhere in Utah making anatomically correct paper dollies with the special ed Mormons in Provo... or slathered in Zebras at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo in Colorado.
Nope, no dice. Sorry folks.
What I did find were these other really cool and fascinating things that made me think I could get seriously distracted on this journey and never return home.
And not returning home might not be so bad... since rents due and I'm broke... and the landlord keeps using my body in disgusting ways already...
and he tells me as he hits me that "Johnny never complained..."
I'll have to sleep with his wife if I don't come back with money for rent... and his 13 year old son too. Probably at the same time while I pet his schnauzer "Frank" and max out on 40 tabs of extasy just to keep rolling with the punches...
"Why can't you be more like Johnny..." he'll yell at me.. I just know it. That fucking landlord bastard.
....
Anyway, where was I? Oh, other interesting things... right. Okay.
First, Chief Baconrind. Welcome to Skedee. Right, where am I?
"...I will build for them a landmark
That the coming race may see
All the beauties of the friendship
That exists 'tween them and me...."
That's right. Tonto Baconrind and Col. C. Walters shook hands that day and decided "friendship was best put your injuns to the test." So.. Col. Walters put in a Walmart and sent most of the good Indian women to adorn terrible blue vests and wear hair-nets when working the snack bar.
Meanwhile good ol' Chief Baconrind got kickbacks from the Walmart and had his choice of the best of everything... yep.... to pork any single white woman under "birthin' age" in Skedee Oklahoma... AND he was awarded a beautiful homestead to keep these preteen puppets... a 5 bedroom home....
Baconrind felt the home was not as charming as the tee-pee he pitched in his yard so long ago- before the white man brought him down.
So he slept in that instead..... or so we thought...
Because even though the home was a bit much for the modest man... Baconrind was only using that as a great excuse to cover up the fact that he had a grow operation of Artichokes and Soy Beans inside.. to cope with his addictive veganism issue.
Chief Baconrind was hung.
The Walmart prospered.
Baconrind Jr. began a cross-pollination growth experience by combining soy and marijuana by elecrotherapy hydroponics and cooking oil.
Col. Walters Jr. bought it in bulk and sold it to residents in Tulsa...
There you go, a little history for you.
posted by Everything Nice at 10:07 PM
17 Comments:
HOLA!!!
Sup?
Smokin' Tulsa hydro... Just hit a rest stop for some fried eggs and SOS.
About to thumb it to Texas.....
When are you going to hit Atlanta? :) I'll let you stay with me while you search.
What a wild adventure you have there. I always thing it is odd when people meet from blogging.
yeah, people that meet through blogging are weird.
right, tumbleweed?
when you find johnny can you tell him i need my butt plug back. thanks,
fucking menace. i want my $2 back. Menace and I played Tanto and white man once, i woke up the next morning with a bloody rectum and a peace pipe hanging out my rectum....sniffle.
TG - I will swing that way after touring TX... I will need a place to stay in GA.. Thanks for that.. Also, I will need to use your razor if at all possible...
Py - I did check the backseat for him... like 100 times thanks to my OCD issues. I know for a fact he is not in the trunk since I filled it with Cookie Crisp and the only midget left at Jim Roses Circus Sideshow.
Tom Bailey - Wild and Odd.. yes. I think you nailed that.
Scumbag - Yeah, funny how that works... fag.
Carl - If Johnny still has your buttplug after all this time I'm not sure you'll want it back... but I will ask him.
WD - You say that like it's a bad thing.... You know you could have always used a tampon for that.
I'll check in soon...
i was a little pissed off that we couldnt get any blueberry pancakes but i was glad to hear that zed is dead baby
zed is dead
next time you can sit on my lap and then anything else that you want to
Hey Em... I hope your search is going well. People have been pulling the fucking disappearing act around here lately and to be quite honest with you, it kinda sucks butthole. And not in the good, curling your toes kinda way.
Anyways, If you make it through Indiana please consider picking me up and taking me with you. I'm ready for a relocation. Seriously.
And don't fret, I'll pack some extra razors along with the body butter.
xx
you are not going to believe this...but i took a massive dump lastnight and included in the turd was Johnny Menace. i accidently flushed him down the drain. he's probably in some body of water right now.
toodles,
Carl
Satan - Thank you Satan... I too was upset about the blueberries until they served the cocoa with extra whip.
You know how I like whip.
I'm not sure Zed is dead.. but I do know he likes grape Pez.
Sullen - Yes, I am also finding that everybody is crawling in some deep sceded void of shitheadedness and I feel like a lamb that's lost.
Thankfully I have my choke chain with me.....
No worries.. I have something forming in my pea-brain that could potentially turn things upside down and sideways. I just need to find Menace first. If I come to Indiana honey I will not leave.
Carl - No I'm fairly certain it looked like Scumbag... and take a picture of it next time. I'll post it here and we can have a contest on what to name it.
Toodles back,
EN
dude, emma's mad as fuck at me.
And why would she be mad at you scummy?
care to elaborate on your hypothesis.....
I know you hate these Anonymous posts....
I've got something to sell you it's a prostate massager.... guaranteed to make you money.
Scumbag - not as much as I could be.
Anon - really.. does it enlarge while it massages?
Emma... you're probably due for a bath with all this traveling.
*raises hand... volunteers to give Emma a sponge bath
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