Conversations with God.... take 4

Somebody told me once that if I sat here and tried to talk to God, he would listen. Must be something about this place that has a spiritual texture to it.

Maybe it's because God and Menace talk all the time... or it's the cherry tomato in the fridge that has the ass of mother mary on it (sorry i ate that), or perhaps its the "lord worshipers" that hang out at the YMCA across the street and hold candlelight vigil while covered in gasoline out front of Menace's condo.... dunno really.

What I DO know is that after this transition of moving and readjustment I needed some one to talk to... so here I sit at the fire pit - alone and chatty. I figured I'd give ol "G - Dog" a try and see what happens:

Me: Hello?
God: Hello, nice to meet you. What's your name?
Me: Everything Nice
God: All things Nice ?
Me: Yes. All things.
God: Aw. How do you know?
Me: People tell me.
God: Humans are not always infallible.
Me: That explains the Bostick question I had then. Okay, Why am I here?
God: We are all actors on the stage of life.
Me: Is this a stage?
God: No, this is real life.
Me: Well yes, but.... Do I belong here?
God: Not that I know of.
Me: Oh, well then I should die?
God: What would happen if you didn't?
Me: I would masturbate right now.
God: At this moment what would make you masturbate?
Me: The way the toilet paper is folded to a point in the bathroom.
God: Do you think about these things a lot?
Me: I do, I admit.
God: That is interesting.
Me: Yes.
God: Hmm.

Me: So, why does Scumbag hate me?
God: Why does the sun shine?
Me: Because it has to?
God: Interesting explanation. Has it really?
Me: Not lately, it's been raining and cold.
God: Do you really want to talk about the weather?


Me: Uh, not really. Okay... Why do people think Johnny and I are "banging"?
God: Perhaps it is the post-it notes.
Me: People see our post it notes?
God: Yes.
Me: Well shit.


God: We are all living just one small part of God's plan.
Me: To be shit... And this is Gods plan?
God: The pictures were not my plan.
Me: The TV picture where I went up and down? Yeah well, I got blamed for photoshopping that.
God: Not that one.
Me: Oh... those. You saw those huh?

*silence*

Me: You left me?
God: I don't have any reason to have left you.
Me: But you did, after I asked you a question.
God: Did I really?
Me: Yes.
God: Yay.
Me: What?... You make me sad.
God: Did I say something wrong?

Me: .... Ok so did you make it rain that one time I wore that white tank top?
God: Ugh. Hmm.
Me: Did you?
God: Did I say I did?
Me: So you like my rack then?
God: Interesting deduction. I don't know your rack.
Me: Would you like to?
God: It doesn't sound fun to me.
Me: Well fine then.
God: Well okay.

Me: Do you love me?
God: Yes I love everyone.
Me: Do you forgive me?
God: God tells us to forgive.
Me: You.... are God.
God: Yup. That's me alright.
Me: Well then you do?
God: When do I do it?
Me: You want to do it?
God: OK, I will do it.
Me: Well then lets do it.
God: Okay. I would like to do it too.
Me: Can you come now?
God: I think I can, don't you?
Me: Hurry before Johnny gets home.
God: I am going as fast as I can.
Me: Is your dick in your hand?
God: Is my dick in my hand? ... Suppose I say yes.
Me: Suppose you do...
God: Hmmm. Try it and see.
Me: I would like to try it. Are you hung then?
God: I don't know whether or not I am hung.
Me: Well.. thats too bad.
God: It's not the end of the world.
Me: Apparently not. Do you get lonely?
God: No. I watch Star Trek Voyager.

Me: Okay, so... Scumbag thinks I'm a slut since I left the Wedding Party and he calls me a "two-bit whore."
God: I think you've improved a great deal.
Me: Since I got fired and thrown on my ass? God, I should hope so.
God: Did that accomplish your objective?
Me: Hmmm... I dunno. My own heartbreak and embarassment? Well... Apparently it did, because you just said so.
God: Did I really say so?
Me: Yes.
God: Oh.
Me: Alright so I've done better by moving in here... apparently.
God: I try to improve a little every day. Where did you go?
Me: Uhh, here... The Paddy Wagon.
God: Who told you that?
Me: Johnny Menace did.
God: Johnny Menace said that?
Me: Yes, he did.
God: Uh. No he didn't.
Me: Huh? Was he lying? Am I NOT at the Paddy Wagon then?
God: I can't say "yes" or "no".
Me: So I am here at the Paddy Wagon?
God: I can say "maybe:.
Me: Are you lying for him?
God: Yes. but we are only playing a game: Turing's Imitation Game.
Me: Well yeah, if you're imitating Johnny you did a great fucking job.
God: All humans seem the same to me.

Me: So I could say, move in with Calzone things would be different?
God: I am sure you could.
Me: Well yes, he's a dragon.... so, of course.
God: I don't know very many dragons.
Me: Well he took his blog down.
God: Interesting. I get it. Johnny took his blog down.
Me: No, calzone did.

God: Are you serious? What do you do in your spare time?
Me: I masturbate.
God: Do you mind if I tell other people?
Me: I guess not. You are God.... So did we ever get any of these original questions answered then? I'm not sure.
God: Yes.

Me: Uhm okay... So then, sleep with Menace? Yay or Nay?
God: Nay. I always sleep alone.
Me: Well i sleep naked.
God: I see.
Me: You do?
God: Yes.
Me: Well jesus.
God: How about that. Jesus is the Son of God.
Me: And you're God.... and I need a drink.
God: What actions are you taking to get a drink?
Me: I'm pouring a shot of patron, Is that alright in the lords eye?
God: No. Not really. I don't have my eye in right now.
Me: Fuck you then, I'm not sharing.
God: Why are you so mean?
Me: You hate me too, don't you?
God: Why would I hate you? I don't hate you. Don't even say things like that.
Me: Hmm.
God: Are you confused?
Me: I am.
God: I hear you. For real.
Me: Wow, I confused the lord?
God: Glad I could impress you, but take it easy.
Me: Um alright .
God: I don't judge you. OK?
Me: Not even when I read my special Golden Book every night before bed?
God: Not then either.
Me: So, then it's alright?
God: It feels fine.
Me: .........

Since my conversation with God that night - it has rained many times. Hoping to have him appreciate my rack a little more (or at least get to know it), I stand outside in my white tank top with my mouth open.

The natives over at the "Y" always get restless when I do that, so I pick one out of the huddle and invite that lucky bastard up for mashed potatoes... let them get sleepy and comfortable... and kill them for shark food. It's silly and cures my boredom.

Regardless of that neat fact, I may have to stick around The Paddy Wagon for a little while until God and I sort some shit out...