T-day part i

Father EN: Dinner looks fantastic sweetie. You even remembered the Okra.
Granny: I love watching Oprah, don't you Emma?
EN: No Granny I don't. I wish death on Oprah. Alright, everybody can serve up... There's plenty of food. Shawn, would you pass the mashed potatoes please?
*slaps mountainous lump of mashed potatoes on plate
*passes bowl
Menace: look at that shawn.. your favorite.... mashed potatoes.... are you going to entertain us with an artistic rendition of El Capitan.... or maybe some circlism.... in your potatoes..
*passes sweet potatoes
*Shawn sits dumbfounded

Father EN: Say Johnny, you know, my names Johnny too.
*passes dressing, spills some on the table
EN: *begins bouncing in her chair and singing... John Jacob Jingleheimersmith, his name is my name too.. wheneever I g...
Menace: Thanks.. i think.. right EN......hmm.. EN.... EN you can stop now... You know.. sir...I think some things are better left... unsaid....
Shawn: Yeah, I know what you mean about 'things left unsaid'. I bet the whole screaming the name during sex is gonna be a real bitch to deal with now huh Menace? Knowing you and her father have the same name. Hell of an issue...
*Father EN frowns
*Menace stares blankly at Shawn
*Slides finger across blade of carving knife

Menace: EN .. did we make sure this knife was sharp enough..
EN: *swoons* yeah, we totally did.
*Menace smirks
*Rips drumsticks from turkey
Granny: Yes, just outside on the walkway I slid.

Mother EN: Johnny, tell me, what is it you do for a living, this is a really nice place - love the shark tank in the bedroom. You born and raised here too?
Shawn: *snickers... He ejaculates bulls or some shit like that.
*attends to serving Shelly's food, places wine cork on end of her fork.
Shelly: MEEEaahhh Hooooooooome Pretty Giirrrrrl!!
Shawn: That's right mom, just like at home!

Menace: I didn't know you were into such dangerous animals.. I'd love to give you a tour and introduce you to the sharks.. maybe after dinner... oh and.. hello Shelly... is that.. did you where that Chantilly Lace again... for me.. You know what happen last time you wore that...
Shelly: BREAAADSTICK FOR prETTy!!
*Shelly bounces up and down in booster seat... knocks over butter dish
Menace: Alright.. only because i know you really want one when you when you gnaw on your tongue like that... EN can you get those breadsticks from the counter?..... ah yes... here we go.....
Shelly: *claps... BREADDSTICKKSS YEAaaaHHHh!!
*Menace stabs the knife into the turkey carcas and feeds shelly breadstick slowly
*slobbers and flicks her tongue around it.

Shawn: Don't you have a turkey to carve Menace?
*Snaps breadstick away
* feeds breadstick lovingly to his mother
Shelly: *drools around breadstick..... MEEEaahhh BREADDSTICKSS

Mother EN: Well I only mention the Shark tank because it reminded me of that one story EN wrote years ago, I think it was called "Sins of the flesh".... There was a chapter in there with sharks...
Menace: ...... was there.. sin.. flesh.. and sharks... really
*looks at EN
Mother EN: Yes, it was steamy. A little too pornographic for my tastes, but it was well written.
*passes green bean casserole
*EN rolls eyes

Father EN: "Sins of the Flesh?" What kind of smut material you writing now?
Mother Menace: I'd love to get a copy of that.
Menace: ...... uhmm.. mom.. i'm sure you can ask afterwards and not make it so... so public at the table..

Granny: No, I don't have a cat. I don't like cats... I was always more of a dog person.
Mother EN: Yes, there was that position. Oh and something called the 'crop duster' - though judging by the illustrations it looked more like Khama Sutra. That silent lotus position... I believe you showed me how to do that, didn't you Shawn?

*Shawn chokes on wine
Menace: ....... ................. ....mother.......... ..... .... ..fucker?.........

Mother Menace: Illustrations? Tell me, are they color?
EN: AND scratch and sniff, yes!
Mr EN: I thought we talked about this Emma, I don't tolerate lesbianism.
EN: Well that's too bad dad, because you'd both like women and football!
Menace: .... dark meat anyone..
*Menace continues to carve
*pitches piece of turkey on ENs plate

Mother EN: Dark meat, yes I think there was some of that in chapter 5. Oh, no that was another book you did... what was that one called honey? It had the sleezy black tranvestite in it?
EN: *smiles wide... Drippy Sexual Chocolate
Mother Menace: Oooo, that sounds like an ice cream flavor, doesn't it Johnny?
Menace: ... wow... and you haven't even started drinking.... i think i'll pass on this one...

Shawn: MMMMMM Grandma this stuffing smells goooOOOd huh?
Granny: *giggles... I haven't gotten morning wood in a long time.
Shawn: Uh, Grandma you want a breadstick?
Shelly: *pounds fists on table Moooyeeaahhhh... BREAAADSTICK FOR prETTy!! BABY... Feed prrrreeetttyyyyyyyy.... mwahhhh
Shawn: Aw mom, you know you're still my number one...
*leans over and tongues Shelly's deformed ear
*Shelly sits silently and fondles butter knife as she chews on tongue

Father EN: You know what? I'm not hungry anymore. I think my daughter and I have to have a little talk outside.
*Father EN throws napkin on table, pushes plate
*Shawn smiles
EN: They're just silly dirty words on paper dad, no big deal.. you know, fuck this fuck that suck cock eat pussy... It just flows and means nothing.
Mother Menace: Johnny's father loves dirty talk......
Menace: ....... and i'm sure he loves you talking about it when he's not here..

Shawn: Unless you add to that the whole writers creedo... "live to write, write to live"...
*shoots side glance at Menace, feeds breadstick to Granny
Shawn: That's good grandma, with the breadstick... take it all just like you're doing.
*Grandma deep throats breadstick
Shawn: You don't have any teeth, do you Grandma? Jesus, that's fucking hot how you do that..

Father EN: *frowns.... You touching my daughter Johnny Menace?
Menace: hmmm.. such a complex question.. can you define "touch" while i carve the turkey Johnny.... I can call you... Johnny right?
Shawn: It's more like a "dirty touch" Mr. EN.
Shelly: *drools and claps.... Diiiirrrrttttyyyy touch PRETTY Giiiiirrrrllll MooooooYEaahhhh
Father EN: No.
*passes jello salad

Mother Menace: Oh, now that sounds like a great name for a new story EN - Dirty Touch. Your mothers just told me about all the writing you've done. Impressive. Are you going to write a story about my son?
Father EN: You "dirty touching" my daughter Johnny Menace?
EN: Write a story about Johnny? Like a ... story? With sex in it?
Mother Menace: Yes of course, my son is a strapping young man. I'm sure he could inspire a chapter or two. He's not a sleezy black tranvestite but.... I mean to say.... I did used to change his diapers you know. And I spanked that ass too.
*passes dinner rolls
Shawn: He's a sleezy white transvestite.
*Father EN frowns again

EN: Strapping yes, you have no idea. Well that's not true, you're his mother you have some idea. Though, I'm not sure I could put it into words actually..... I think it was just last night after we played high-colonic that I had trouble trying to describe the sensa--
Menace: ..strapping... ok.. jesus.. mom why you don't do PR i have no idea.... .... EN you're encouraging her..
Mother Menace: All I'm saying is that I'd love to read that story if you write it. See if any of those family genes apply and all... You know, I am quite a sex machine myself. Sometimes I find I can't get enough.
EN: Are you? Really... Insatiable? Tell me, do you and Mr. Menace do role playing?

Mother EN: Damnit, EN your grandmother just pissed herself.
Granny: I'm in perfect health.
*menace looks around table
*excuses self to kitchen, slams shot of Patron

Shawn: Yeah Grams, you're hot shit... urine or no. So Mrs. Menace.... Johnny is strapped? But not black transvestite strapped... More like asian strapped? Tell me, he liked the spankings didn't he?
*EN, Mom, and Grandma get up and leave table to clean up Grandma
* Father EN glares at Menace in the kitchen

Mother Menace: Johnny that Emma is a nice girl, is she just staying here for a short time? Or is this something long term?
Menace: We haven't discussed....
*Crashing sounds from bathroom

Shawn: You're thinking grandchildren Mrs. Menace?
Mother Menace: Always good to hold a warm bundle, yes.
*shoots look at Johnny
*Shawn snickers
Shawn: That'd be some DNA at work there, huh?
Father EN: EN stays here? She lives here?
Mother Menace: Well of course she lives here. My son is a gentleman though, wouldn't hurt a fly.... So Johnny? What say you?
Menace: .... what say me? are you from the thirteenth century... mom.... I have 4 babies i look after already..
Mother Menace: I'm not talking about the sharks or the dog Johnny, I'm talking about a bay-bee.
*Mother Menace rocks arms
Menace: .... buttercup is a.... well..... and you know all this talk of conception... and we haven't even said the prayer yet.
Shelly: BABBYYY WLUVV!! HA Hahahhh!
*claps and bounces
* shawn whispers in her ear
Shelly: MooooooYEaahhhh!!! *drools*

Mother Menace: Well I'm not getting any younger son. It's time for you to settle down.
Menace: ... yes and what better time to talk about it than at thanksgiving... in an open forum...
Shawn: Yeah, wow could you imagine? EN knocked up with a little Menace? Jesus, what a genetic crap shoot that would be.... yeah, Menace.... pull that shit and hope you hit triple 7's.
Father EN: Did you just refer to my daughter as a slot machine?
Shawn: Do I have to? I thought that was implied.
*Menace gets up again, escapes to kitchen... slams two more shots of Patron

Mother Menace: I thought the slot machine metaphor was colorful, she did make a nice dinner. Any woman that can cook like this for my son is....
*EN returns to table
*bounces into seat
EN: Okay, I'm back what did I miss?
Shawn: Well.. let's see.... Your dad knows you bunk with Menace now, and his mother wants you two to have a baby together because you make a nice meal ... oh, and journal it for a short story entitled "Asian strapped." Ah, and then Mother Menace declared that Johnny was a gentleman and you are safe staying here.
Father EN: And you called her a slot machine.
EN: oh? Johnny a gentleman. It's a unique gentle... we always play safely.
*takes drink of wine
*Menace returns and serves himself silently, looks longingly at Shelly gnawing turkey leg.

EN: Oh. Well dad look at the bright side of me staying here... at least you can find comfort that I'm not a lesbian. I mean, I'm a big fan of cock..... ask Johnny.
*points across the table at Menace
*Father seethes, stabs at pearl onions
Mother Menace: Well you certainly don't look like a lesbian to me EN. But tell me, do you like children?
EN: I have a good friend that eats children.

Menace: the meal does look..... well it looks delicious EN.... and how did you know..... to get cranberries in the...... can?
EN: I like cranberries ...in the can...
Menace: Do you
EN: I do
Menace: You like it ...... in the can
EN: So much it hurts sometimes
*Table falls silent

Menace: and this gravy is.... well, just the perfect consistancy..... not too thick... not... too thin....
EN: Sweet and salty too, Just like I like it. Yes. I aim to please of course.
Menace: Do you
EN: I do
Menace: I know
EN: So do you
Menace: Indeed
EN: I like to smother my meat in it
Menace: Yes..... you do... smother meat....

Shawn: See, did you see that?!?! Did you see the way they did that "thing" they just did?
Shelly: Baby Baby HELP pretty... Pretty GIRLlllll!! Wwwhhannggggh.

*grandma returns to the table with Mother EN.
Granny: You have a very clean bathroom young man. So spotless....

Mother Menace: How old are you EN?
EN: Fourteen. I think I started my period about two weeks ago.

Mother EN: Alright, now are we ready for the prayer? Who says the prayer.
Mother Menace: Johnny should say the prayer...
Father EN: for his life.
EN: Oh yes Johnny do say the prayer!!!
Shelly: *chews on tongue and claps ...MEEEaahhh Hooooooooome Pretty Giirrrrrl!!

Menace: Oh, well alright..... *stands* Let's all bow our heads shall we? Alright then........
*Shelly falls head first into her plate
Menace: Shawn your mother...... she.... her head is ... doing that retarded thing..... ....uhm. you want to.. you know.. lift her up...... might be better.
Shawn: Oh yeah, right.
*Shawn pulls Shelly up by the hair,
*wipes food from face and breathing tube

Menace: ... are we ready then?.... ok... Let us pray..... tamquam equi enim depaverunt et tamquam agni exultaverunt magnificantes te Domine qui liberasti illos......
*EN bites lip

Menace: *looks at EN .... novissime autem viderunt novam creaturam avium cum abducti concupiscentia postulaverunt escam epulationis .....
*EN bites finger - hard... draws blood

Menace: ..... etenim detestabiliorem inhospitalitatem instituerunt alii quidem ignotos non recipiebant advenas alii autem bonos hospites in servitutem accipiebant.....
*EN shakes uncontrollably

Mother EN: Ahmen
Mother Menace: Ahmen
Granny: I do like men.
Shawn: *whispers..... Granny, meet me in the bathroom... Ahmen
Father EN: Aymen
Shelly: *stares silently... plays with spoon..... Waahyeee AHHHHH!

Menace: .... Ahhmen EN.
*Looks at EN, makes tapping forehead motion
EN: Ahhh...
Menace: Yes EN good... mouth open just a little more.... just like we practiced.....are you salivating? .... You are hungry then..... well...say Ahhhmenn so we can eat.....
EN: mmmm.... hen?
*smirks at EN as she quivers*
Menace: Well, alright.. good girl ....Everybody dig in .....

*ENs eyes roll back in her head as she slides under the table.