Gas Solutoin

Everytime gas goes up the news lets us know as if we can't read numbers while driving. Well you got your wish you bastards gas is on its way to euro prices... Some of us blame the president and is engery bill he signed, some blame gas companies, some army eningeers, some blame jews(these people tend to blame jews for everything) some blame Katrina.... and only a bitch named Katrina could do that much damage... what a horrible white trash/ghetto name for a hurricane... If the national weather people knew this was going to destory cities i really think they would have given the hurricane a better name than Katrina...(but the hurricane is a whole other post) ... back to my point.... Lets quit blaming the prez and hurricane and focus on those who are really to blame for not bringing a solution to this problem to begin with..... and let's start with.....

Scotland

I know.... I know... I like Braveheart to.... but look.... Scotland, you have the Roslin Institute.... Why aren't you fucking cloning gas for us? Why? Why? Why? I know you have a necessatiy for sheep..... we all love dolly, congrats... how many more farm animals are on the cloning list before we get actual shit that the world could benafit from? Here's a list of what you need to start cloning...

gas
medical drugs
regular drugs
carmen electra (a young version the orginal is starting to get old)
Chris Farley
Jimi Hendrix
Red Bull (the shit is to expensive for suck a small can)
a liger

One sheep is good enough, its not like sheep were going to be extinct anytime soon.. in fact ViaGen, Inc in Austin, TX is cloning horses they have the farm animals covered. If you were cloning William Wallace, The Loch Ness Monster or Duncan McCloud of the clan McCloud we would wait but not for fucking farm animals. Has this even been brought up before to make the list?

(1997, the Roslin Institute)

Bruce : Hey James. Look at that puddle of puss. Can you believe that's going to be a fooking sheep?
James: It is mircale of techonolgy, Brucey. Don't you ever get the feeling we good help mankind with this cloning techonolgy with something useful like gasoline or prescription drugs?
Bruce:... I'm not really made to think. You should bring that up in tommorow's meeting when they make the list on what to clone next.
James: You think they would go for that.
Bruce: I don't know Campbell is really jazzed about cloning dog and fish.
James: Yeah well will see I've got some great ideas and reasons. I just need to write them down before I...
Bruce:....... I'll give you 20 pounds if you stick your finger in that puss...
James: ..... yeah but i really need to write this down...
Bruce: .... shut up for a mintue fag.... ok .... ok.... 120 pounds... stick your finger in Dolly and put in on your tongue.
James: ..... 120..... to stick it on my tongue...... no way....
Bruce: hold on... hold on..... Hey Liam... how much would you throw in for James to stick his tongue in Dolly for......... ok Liam is throwing in 100 pounds to... so 220... 220 fooking pounds.
James: fooks sake man i'll do it..
Bruce: Liam! He's going to do it....
(sadly James got sick for a month and never made the meeting)

And don't give me "the we can't clone gasoline." If you can clone an animal through electro fusion you can fucking clone gas. We all know europe wants us to go down in flames and pay high prices like them..... i mean take a look at what they did after the hurricane... they sent thier deepest apologies..... Couldn't they at least make a jester to help like when you eat with your family and you know your dad is going to pay but you reach for your wallett and act like your going to pay until he tells you to save it and you can start paying when you get a real job...... the friend that is going through hard times but still offers to pay but you don't let them because you know thier financial situation... or the person that offers to pay so you forget they are Nazi's planning to dominate the world again.

"What you want to send us blankets, wine and cheese for the survivors? no, no, no france that's quite alright wait until you get a real ecomony and don't have to rely on the euro and cover some real news instead of lance armstrong... let it go, we are good at everysport"....

"No No England we couldn't possibly let you help, you have the subway bomb damage to think about... thanks for offering though"

"Sorry Germany, just because you offer to help out doesn't mean we are letting you have an army again, if we do that then next thing you Japan will want one"

All i'm saying is you could have offered to help instead of sending us a fucking hallmark card.... We'll remember that come Christmas time when we get you all socks.... except for the Swiss they are actually sending money and supplies... your getting a sweater from old navy.

Oh and Kuwait remember that time you didn't have a country... and your people were like dying and caputured into slavery..... yeah that sucked.... and uh.... you remember..... how uhmmmm we kinda of came over about oh i don't know 12 years ago...... remember ..... and we like restored your goverment, restablished your country, and saved your people from mass genocide....... remember..... and we uhmmmm kept Sadam out of your country from then on out...... that was cool....... You think you could give us some fucking oil, its been 12 years and I don't remember us breathing down your neck those 12 years to pay up..... we only saved you from extinction its not like you owe us everything.

Keep tagging the fat kid

Another tag curtosy of Mitzee. so here's the rules on this..... i know its a pain in the ass to read the rules and you would rather me tell you the rules.

1) Reply to this in my comments with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2) I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3) I'll pick a flavor/color of jello to wrestle with you in.
4) I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5) I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6) I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7) If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.

so here's what Mitzee put for me... i 'd like to point out all i did is comment on her tag that there should tequilla jello.

johhny menace:
1) Dennis the Menace (the movie) reminds me of u, well, becuz, MENACE!
2) I'll wrestle with you in CORONA jello...becuz u just got back from PV! (so jealous)
3) RICEA!!!! (that only makes sense to u me and whoever else went on that canopy tour
4) 1st memory of u was a comment I read on someone else's blog...it was HILARIOUS.
5) u remind me of a bull, you just go for it

ok where do i begin with that..... 1) the movie... i was hoping for the hurrincane.. 2) come on its all about Pacifico beer in PV. 3) and unless you are into bootleging illegal mexican moonshine 4) i take the all caps mean something special 5) come on a bull... i'm trying to decide if i like that answer.... Let's see symbolicly for a bull......... virility, ok i'll take that...... sovereignty, sure why not......... and wealth, sounds good so far.... A bull goes for it after being provoked typically and then they get stabbed by a greasy spainard in tights.... ok i don't have to be provoked and i don't trust spainards enough to get pyshcially close to them... Its that hiss sound they make when they pronounce words with sss's, just screams "i will stab you"..... but on the brighter side think of all those fucking spainards i get to trample every year..... but i'm not spanish... shit i would be an american bull and that means diffrent guys in leather chaps would take there turn riding me everyday for 8 secs, not to mention having a rope tied around my massive bull nuts..... and i would even be invited to the card games....... so i see what your really saying Mitzee... no thanks on being a bull.

by the way if anyone wants to breed bulls, or just learn how to ejaculate them for fun here you go. I hope everyone enjoys that little gem. Thanks LSU.

Ok Mitzee here ya go
2) The Bloodhound gang "a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying".. if you haven't heard it, listen to it.
3) Vicks nyquil the green death flavor jello or ky warming jello..... Decesions, decesions.... Well i'll go with ky warming jello.... vicks nyquil green jello i wish they would really make, it would be the top selling adult jello.... but when it comes to wrestling ky warming flavored jello it has to be.
4) RICEA... don't i have to pick the same thing you say anyways, if its the only thing that makes sense to both of us.
5) the first memory i remember is that of disappointment.. there was no porn on your site.. luckly you had a picture of stick fugures fucking and i got by with that.
6) u are a pronghorn because you are canadien, your common enemies are wolves, coyotes, golden eagles and humans and your face neck and belly are pasty white.

Tagged

Shane has tagged me to write something. ..... thanks.... your just delaying my part II... I'm to list 5 of my idiosyncrasies.... which are always pointed out to you by someone else, for example...........

"Why do you pull your balls out when we watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit and rub veggie dip on them?"

"...... i do?.. nut uh.... really....... oh shit i guess i am...wow i never noticed that until you pointed it out........ can you get me towel?"

Then you start to think you have a cool idiosyncracy that no one else has and it makes you stand out in high school and increases your popularity, then you hit college and brag to everyone about your idiosyncracy and turns out 5 of your other frat brothers do it also but with various dips and sauces, and then you start arguing over who saw the Who Framed Roger Rabbit first and who took dip into the theater, how you snuck the dip in. Then you realize the only way to settle things is to go rent the movie and................. where in the hell was i going with this...........

So i thought i would let other people list my idiosyncracies, a friend, the asian lady that does my dry cleaning, a co-worker, and a stranger (prefably a carnie). Before i get to that what's with the poll... everyone would rather vote cartoon dads.. i can't believe phillip banks and micheal bluth get no love........ ok lets get this over with.

The Friend's list (big dave)
1. "you do this circular motion with my finger when ordering a round of patron, and only that liquor, its like you get excited about it"
2. "you've never eaten a hamburger at a fash food joint, you always get chicken, fish, or something else..... its all about the fries"
3. "Your scottish accent sounds like an indian gas station clerk."
4."You don't bother to flip your collar down after you put on a shirt, and you just walk around all day with it 3/4 up.... always. Flip your fucking collar down."
5. "You want drink bud, coors, or miller, and if you have to drink your in a pissy mood the entire time"

side note: My favorite big dave quote in public setting "Elizabeth Smart is a slut. She got what she deserved. You know she wanted it............... Slut." nothing but silence, every woman's jaw dropped, every guy on the floor laughing.

The Asian Lady at my dry clean place
1. -- ok seriously i asked her as non shalant as possible and she just started smiling and nodding. I started to dumb down the definition of idiosyncracy then there was a long akward pause...... then she called for someone in back (screamed something in asain), this guy comes out, i assume her husband, says "is problem?". I say no and ask him what my idiosyncracies are.. and tell him i only need five... he replies "so no problem with clothes?".... I say no and walk out..... So sorry i gave up at that point..... it got really uncomfortable in there near, probably since i was the only one that spoke english. I should have gone after school was out when they have one of their daughters there. Reguardless i can't go in there again... i'm going to have to go to the asian place across the street...... probably the same family... thanks shane

Co-worker's list
1. You always take the Grandma's vanilla cookies and Cheez Its in the vending machine
2. I always see you at the vending machine/walking out to get food/taking a break
3 The vending machine is making you fat
4. You always kick the bathroom door open, never touch it with your hands
5. Your smirk is evil.

wow.... can't get enough of that office humor...... thanks shane.

Stanger's list (guy i talked to in the parking garage elevator while we went to the same floor)
Appartently its taboo to talk in the elevelator to people. This guy was really uncomfortable and only said about 5 sentences to me, I'll take them as answers and list them in order of what he said you get to guess what i said to him to make him say the following 5 sentences.

1. "....... excuse me?"
2. "I'm fine and no... no i'm not..."
3. "Maybe if i knew you"
4. "Sounds a little to wierd to me"
5. "look can you just hit this floor i'd like to get off here. Thank you."

the guy wouldn't even give me his name. Ok there you have it other people's view of my idiosyncracies.... not that funny... in fact i should have just made something up... but if it wasted your time you can thank shane..... i will spare all of you and not tag anyone.......... ....... .... fuck that.... i had to do this someone else is doing this.....and i pick these people purely for entertainment
pbc - i can only hope it is offensive
eddie - hopefully he'll rap it
moo cow - this is like a great accident on the highway.

A New Boy Scout Standard

"On my honor, I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country, and to obey the Scout Law, to help other people at all times, to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight."........... unless mother nature strikes, then i am and forever fucked'

What can i say i've been on a enjoying every boy scout story that has come out lately. Lighting strikes, bear attacks, missing scout in Utah, scouts getting heat sickness. All that shit and no boy scouts molested....... disappointing i know.... but the jamboree just ended so we still have some time for those stories to come out. Since when did boy scouts become pussies? After seeing these kids on the news at the jamboree its obvious the boy scout organization is desperate and will take anyone they can get, The standards need to be fucking raised backed up.

If you can't handle a bear or any wild animal attack your out.

If you get heat sickness at a jambree.... seriously its a jambree with piazza, punch and poatoe sack races... what the fuck? your out.

If you go missing...... well actually that kid survived and hid from actual search and rescue people.... that is impressive. Where's the merit badge for that? He stays in, and he can bring a friend.

If you don't have a curiousity to see what will burn in a campfire your out. If you get struck by lightning and die your out (and you get penalized a few generations)

Feel free to think of any others and i will add them.

Speaking of lightning strikes deaths... how cool is that? A first hand lesson on electricity for the kids and let's be honest.... we were all thinking what did god have against the boy scouts when that happened and then we all thought they were petafiles and deserved it.

From bush's speech regarding the lightning deaths"These men will always be remembered for their leadership and kindness"

ah..... bullshit... these men will be remembered for getting struck by fucking lighting and dieing, and tie that into the worst Jambree ever. Don't tell me at the next jambree when they have a moment of silence everyone will be thinking of leadership and kindness... it will be more like.... please don't pick me to set up the tent.

Important questions ....... Why were these guys setting up camp during a thunderstorm? And since there scout leaders they obviously have a shit load of badges... so they would have their electricity badge (yes there is a elecrticty badge). They didn't teach them about electricity in storms??........ Here is a list of the terms that are to explained to earn the badge. Requirments page under section 10.

Explain the following electrical terms:
volt
ampere
watt
ohm
resistance
potential difference
rectifier
rheostat
conductor
ground
circuit
short circuit

Notice something missing in there.... yeah me to. My personal favorite badge listed truck transportation (yes an actual badge).
Requirements:

Drive across the country Pull at least 5 24-hr drive periods

Be own some type of drug when pulling at least 2 of the 24hr drive periods.

Learn the song convey

Hide Bandit from Sheriff Buford T. Justice

Enter a nation-wide arm wrestling tourny in Vegas and beat Bull to win custody of your son.

Very tough to get. That's why you really don't see many scouts with it. My what the fuck badge goes to the Railroading badge and the Space Exploration badge. Seriously what are the requirements for the railroad badge? be of chinesse decent and fight a hobo for a 1/5 of whiskey and a potatoe and win?

And yes i can say all of this because i was a boy scout..... and yes we burned down Robbie Ledoux's tent while he and his father went fishing that morning... god that was awsome.... and yes Robbie deserved it... his dad scared the shit out of us that night and Robbie was in on it..... If you wanted in Robbie you should have told us it wasn't real.... and maybe you would still have a tent and that stuffed rabbit you slept with..... and your dad's wallet.... i hope you learned your lesson.....back to badges. I don't remember all these puss badges: journalism, backpacking, family life, gardening, leatherwork, cycling, music, dancing!!! not indian on peyote dancing.... we're talking about fucking dancing!!!

come on.. when i was in the scouts it was camping, swimming, canoing, wilderness survial, knot tieing, knives, first aid, hiking, archery, and indian stories.... That was it, man shit.... oh and you had to make a massive camp fire and run and jump over the fucker or you were gay. Then you were a master you'd go on your vision quest, hopefully you survived and that was it .... sadly i was taken out of scouts before my vision quest because the church figured out we were eating their body of christ(bread) for sunday morning service during our Sat. night meetings.

Another favorite was the plano boy scout that was attacked my a bear in around july 26 in Alaska.. The kid rounds a bend and finds himself face to face with a bear.... ok.... the bear charged and tore off flesh from the boy's right arm..... let's say your his father and you see this so you have options here....

throw a rock at the bear and get it to attack you

throw a rock at the bear and point at one of the other kids and get the bear to attack them

throw food at the bear

go all jermaih johnson and show the bear your bear claw marks that you got on your chest from hanging in an indian teepee (trust me the bear will bow down to you)

go davey crockett on the fucking bear and wrestle the damn thing (then years later everyone says your full of bullshit when you try to tell them you did that)

get your dog to speak bear like in anchorman

you speak bear because you have the bear badge

tell your boy to fight the damn thing if he wants his bear badge like you had to do

or shoot the fucking bear

All great effective choices right...... what does dad do? he fires 2 shots in the air to scare the bear away.... a wild animal is attacking your son ripping his flesh off and you fire shots in the air ....... not at the bear.... in the air..... ...... yeah...... great example of being a puss for all those other scouts watching their friend almost die.... no wonder they allow scouts to wear lavendar and pink. ...somehow i imagine the dad clapping at the bear also and yelling "shooo"..... Robert Redford would have shot that fucking bear, made a coat out of him, and build a log cabin with the bears bones. Which brings a new standard to being a scout:

You have to watch Jermaih Johnson or your out of the scouts.

After watching the movie you have to do one of the following

kill a bear

kill an indian with your bare hands

build a log cabin and surivive the winter

marry an indian

stick flint in your chest and hang from a teepee to make bear claws

grow a man beard.

And i'll quickly touch on the 300+ kids who suffered heat sickness at the jamboree. Strip these kids of their badges all of them. Tar and feather them at the next jamboree to set an example out them. There needs to be some serious hazing in the boy scouts. Honestly if you get sick from heat you should not be in an organzation where you spend 99% of your time outdoors. I'd like to go off on Hans Zeiger and talk about other scout shit... but i'm off to Puerto Vallerta..... talk you fuckers in 2 weeks.... if i don't die... and i say this because the hotel offers swimming with sea lions....... you know i couldn't pass that up... They take you out to a cove where these sea lions or seals swim around.... and last time i check sharks like these things for food... seems odd that the hotel would let you swim around with a bunch of shark food, but hey we'll see what happens...