Don't forget about the important news
I find it amazing 
some things are still in the news like the whole Natalie Holloway thing. Can you believe we are still having to hear about a missing girl in Aubura? If i had to look at the news stories for the year excluding Katrina I would have guessed we would still be talking about the Tsunami.... That got like... what... 2 months of coverage..... are they still cleaning up over there.... who knows.... but it does make me wonder when Katrina will lose its new car smell and we will move on to more important things like missing drill team members, terrorist, baseball playoffs and football.
I never got to weigh in on Natalee.... There are a few crucial things I'd like to point out that forms by theory (Everyone has a Natalee theory)......
1) Natalie was on the drill team. I don't know about your high school drill team but (inserst your own common high school sex joke associated with drilling) unless you were a fugly girl who is on the team to wash everyone's clothes and wave flags or some shit like that. As my friend big dave would say....... Natalee is a slut......... she wanted it..... slut.
2) Natalie was on the honor roll and 4.0 blah blah blah... I'm going to just say simple... 4.0 doesn't mean shit. I'm sure you all can google your own example about a serial killer with a 4.0... a genius who sucked at school... Alcoholic who partys hard with a 4.0.... the guy in high school whose dad didn't care how much weed he smoked as long as he kept with 4.0... Why does a missing person with a 4.0 or being a retard raise the sympathy bar? I think i could tolerate the ongoing Natalee search if she was a tard. Think of all those home videos......
3) They went on a high school trip with no adult supervision..... Come on... We had a similar high school trip to Cancun.. Everyone one knew the people who went were going to go buck wild... and wouldn't us surprise if they went missing... Especially drill team girls.... I mean what else are you going down there for.... "to find yourself?"
4) Natalee's friends show zero emotion about her being gone..... like a scene from Jawbreakers. Your good/best friend is missing and all you can muster up is a , "we got up that morning and packed our bags to leave and got to the airport and noticed she wasn't there.... which is so weird because she always was the first one to wake us up... it was so.... like surreal"..... They looked relieved.... probably because Natalie was boozing it up all night and hanging out with a dutch wanna be gangster and his 2 brown friends and dragging them along to talk to the brown boys while she did whatever with Fubu Dutch boy...
3) Speaking of Van der Sloot. lets just go ahead and admit thats her taste in guys..... not so good.... sorry mom... sorry dad... your daughter was looking for a huge dutch man to rap to her he fills her up. i know she wouldn't be going out with someone like that in Georgia.... Honestly I'm rooting for him to go free.... so he, his father, and the brown wonder twins sue Nancy Grace....
Welcome back to CNN Headline news I'm Nancy Grace. First our top story of the night. Natalie Hollaway is still missing........
(overhead speaker) Ahhhhh Nancy.....
Nancy: What?... who is this loud voice I'm in the middle of a show.
(overhead) Uhmmmm its Rick.... in the control booth.
Nacny: Thank god. I thought it was Oz...
(overhead) Yeah...Ok.... were not talking about... about Natalie today...... there's more important news at hand...
Nancy: what did you say?
(overhead) Uh...we're not....
Nancy: I heard you! More important than Holloway?..... Greta Van Susteren leads with her everynight and gets Fox's highest ratings..... you don't want me to have high ratings Rick? I'm am this close to putting Joran Van der Sloot in jail.
(overhead) Ahh.... nooo....Look, the girl has been missing since May... and I thought people out there would like to....
Nancy: Just que up my first guest for holloway.... and more hairspray... this hair can be bigger.
(overhead) Alright but all the guest scheduled tonight we're planning on talking about Katrina......
Nancy: Is she missing? that doesn't even sound like a white girls name.... she better look good.
(overhead) Nancy the hurricane.... Hurricane Katrina...........
Nancy: ...............
(overhead) ............... hurricane katrina. new orleans.... flood... red cross
Nancy: I don't understand.... how are we going to talk about missing people....?
(overhead) There are thousands of missing kids out there who were separated from there family....
Nancy: Oh my god i can't believe that.. We have to get this on air... Jimmy! que up my music... Breaking news tonight thousands of kids our missing tonight due to the devastation of Katrina...... can we show a couple of pictures guys....... ok..... keep them rolling..... so tragic.... all these kids look the same....... what gives all these kids are blac......
(overhead): Nancy! this has been on the news for almost 2 weeks now... its not breaking news.... your first guest is ready...
Nancy: My first guest Joining us tonight New Orleans Mayor Naeghuhgen..... Ny-Nayg-Nygenal...
Nancy: Joining me is.... let's see here... K-Kay--Kayna... Kayne West. How are you holding up? From what my good friend, Mayor Nygenal tells me it must be devatasing for you....
Kayne: I'm cool. My new album is in stores now... Late Regestration.. get it while its hot.
Nancy: God Bless you Kenya... You are able to truimph in such trageity. I hope your album will help you and your family get back on your feet..... Kenya.. I love that name by the way its so... exotic. tell me a little about the process down there wear you are staying..
Kayne: Well i go into the studio day in and day out...
Nancy: Oh... good so you have work... good.. Have you recieved your section 8 voucher yet and hows the debit card coming?
Kayne: Huh..... I'm not a Katrina refugee....
Nancy: I know... I know your an evacuees.... no wait survivor...
Kayne: I'm a rap artist I've never lived in New Orleans. I wasn't there during the hurricane..
Nancy: Then... why are you on the show.. RICK why is he on the show?
(overheard) He said bush doesn't care about black people on NBC a couple of days ago..
Nancy: What does that have to do with the Hurricane? Did you vote for Kerry?
Kayne: I'm not registered to vote.
(I would give my left nut to punch Nancy Grace in face on live TV. Your lucky you have Anderson Cooper CNN... and yes i know Greta van something covers Holloway... but i'm rooting for her to become a big shit so that when the left side face freeze in 2 years she'll still be on air talking with some type of slur or speech impediment)
some things are still in the news like the whole Natalie Holloway thing. Can you believe we are still having to hear about a missing girl in Aubura? If i had to look at the news stories for the year excluding Katrina I would have guessed we would still be talking about the Tsunami.... That got like... what... 2 months of coverage..... are they still cleaning up over there.... who knows.... but it does make me wonder when Katrina will lose its new car smell and we will move on to more important things like missing drill team members, terrorist, baseball playoffs and football.I never got to weigh in on Natalee.... There are a few crucial things I'd like to point out that forms by theory (Everyone has a Natalee theory)......
1) Natalie was on the drill team. I don't know about your high school drill team but (inserst your own common high school sex joke associated with drilling) unless you were a fugly girl who is on the team to wash everyone's clothes and wave flags or some shit like that. As my friend big dave would say....... Natalee is a slut......... she wanted it..... slut.
2) Natalie was on the honor roll and 4.0 blah blah blah... I'm going to just say simple... 4.0 doesn't mean shit. I'm sure you all can google your own example about a serial killer with a 4.0... a genius who sucked at school... Alcoholic who partys hard with a 4.0.... the guy in high school whose dad didn't care how much weed he smoked as long as he kept with 4.0... Why does a missing person with a 4.0 or being a retard raise the sympathy bar? I think i could tolerate the ongoing Natalee search if she was a tard. Think of all those home videos......
3) They went on a high school trip with no adult supervision..... Come on... We had a similar high school trip to Cancun.. Everyone one knew the people who went were going to go buck wild... and wouldn't us surprise if they went missing... Especially drill team girls.... I mean what else are you going down there for.... "to find yourself?"
4) Natalee's friends show zero emotion about her being gone..... like a scene from Jawbreakers. Your good/best friend is missing and all you can muster up is a , "we got up that morning and packed our bags to leave and got to the airport and noticed she wasn't there.... which is so weird because she always was the first one to wake us up... it was so.... like surreal"..... They looked relieved.... probably because Natalie was boozing it up all night and hanging out with a dutch wanna be gangster and his 2 brown friends and dragging them along to talk to the brown boys while she did whatever with Fubu Dutch boy...
3) Speaking of Van der Sloot. lets just go ahead and admit thats her taste in guys..... not so good.... sorry mom... sorry dad... your daughter was looking for a huge dutch man to rap to her he fills her up. i know she wouldn't be going out with someone like that in Georgia.... Honestly I'm rooting for him to go free.... so he, his father, and the brown wonder twins sue Nancy Grace....
Welcome back to CNN Headline news I'm Nancy Grace. First our top story of the night. Natalie Hollaway is still missing........
(overhead speaker) Ahhhhh Nancy.....
Nancy: What?... who is this loud voice I'm in the middle of a show.
(overhead) Uhmmmm its Rick.... in the control booth.
Nacny: Thank god. I thought it was Oz...
(overhead) Yeah...Ok.... were not talking about... about Natalie today...... there's more important news at hand...
Nancy: what did you say?
(overhead) Uh...we're not....
Nancy: I heard you! More important than Holloway?..... Greta Van Susteren leads with her everynight and gets Fox's highest ratings..... you don't want me to have high ratings Rick? I'm am this close to putting Joran Van der Sloot in jail.
(overhead) Ahh.... nooo....Look, the girl has been missing since May... and I thought people out there would like to....
Nancy: Just que up my first guest for holloway.... and more hairspray... this hair can be bigger.
(overhead) Alright but all the guest scheduled tonight we're planning on talking about Katrina......
Nancy: Is she missing? that doesn't even sound like a white girls name.... she better look good.
(overhead) Nancy the hurricane.... Hurricane Katrina...........
Nancy: ...............
(overhead) ............... hurricane katrina. new orleans.... flood... red cross
Nancy: I don't understand.... how are we going to talk about missing people....?
(overhead) There are thousands of missing kids out there who were separated from there family....
Nancy: Oh my god i can't believe that.. We have to get this on air... Jimmy! que up my music... Breaking news tonight thousands of kids our missing tonight due to the devastation of Katrina...... can we show a couple of pictures guys....... ok..... keep them rolling..... so tragic.... all these kids look the same....... what gives all these kids are blac......
(overhead): Nancy! this has been on the news for almost 2 weeks now... its not breaking news.... your first guest is ready...
Nancy: My first guest Joining us tonight New Orleans Mayor Naeghuhgen..... Ny-Nayg-Nygenal...
Mayor: Nagin... call me Ray.
Nancy: Ray.. How about Ray-Ray?
Mayor: No. In fact call me Mayor Nagin.
Nancy: Ok Mayor Nagin... Well let me just get into what because the veiwers want to know.. How's it going?
Mayor: Not so well Nancy. My city is under water and will probably be condemed after the EPA looks at it.
Nancy: Huh uh Huh yeah gotta agree with you. I wouldn't be doing good either... Don't you wish Joran Van der Sloot was in that city at the time?
Mayor: Excuse me..
Nancy: That would be sweet Nancy Grace justice for a killer like that... I mean have you seen this footage Mayor of his fater running to the car... HEY!! Roll that footage.......
Mayor: Nancy I didn't come on here to dis..
Nancy: Jesus look at that guilty bastard run. If that doesn't scream I chopped her up and or sold her into slavery i don't what is.. How would bring justice to Natalee Holloway Mayor?
Mayor: and why are we talking about Natalee?
Nancy: She's missing. duh. Look at her picture she looks almost like me. She so cute..
Mayor: Well we have thousands of missing children from the Hurricane i brought some pictures nancy
Nancy: lets see...... ok... no to ugly... to fat..... no .... no... bad hair... not cute clothes.... keep going..... do you got any with blonde hair? ... no.... hmmm.... any that wear cheerleaders or in drill team... or girl scouts...... no huh.... hmmmmm .... any attractive ones..... no well... how about some not so.... so.. black and poor...
Mayor: No. This absurb. I'm leaving.
Nancy: Ok Lets get right to it. BREAKING NEWS Natalie Holloway has been missing for 105 days.
(overhead) Nancy back on track...Nancy: Joining me is.... let's see here... K-Kay--Kayna... Kayne West. How are you holding up? From what my good friend, Mayor Nygenal tells me it must be devatasing for you....
Kayne: I'm cool. My new album is in stores now... Late Regestration.. get it while its hot.
Nancy: God Bless you Kenya... You are able to truimph in such trageity. I hope your album will help you and your family get back on your feet..... Kenya.. I love that name by the way its so... exotic. tell me a little about the process down there wear you are staying..
Kayne: Well i go into the studio day in and day out...
Nancy: Oh... good so you have work... good.. Have you recieved your section 8 voucher yet and hows the debit card coming?
Kayne: Huh..... I'm not a Katrina refugee....
Nancy: I know... I know your an evacuees.... no wait survivor...
Kayne: I'm a rap artist I've never lived in New Orleans. I wasn't there during the hurricane..
Nancy: Then... why are you on the show.. RICK why is he on the show?
(overheard) He said bush doesn't care about black people on NBC a couple of days ago..
Nancy: What does that have to do with the Hurricane? Did you vote for Kerry?
Kayne: I'm not registered to vote.
(I would give my left nut to punch Nancy Grace in face on live TV. Your lucky you have Anderson Cooper CNN... and yes i know Greta van something covers Holloway... but i'm rooting for her to become a big shit so that when the left side face freeze in 2 years she'll still be on air talking with some type of slur or speech impediment)
posted by Johnny Menace at 10:12 AM
14 Comments:
This may be the best satire I have read on the blogs in ages! Loved it, JM. Absolutely loved it.
BTW - your conversation writing is always spectacular. i read once that it's the hardest thing to write, so I guess you should feel really impressed with yourself right now....
g.lo - Something tells me the guy you read is a conversation writer. But thanks.
rm - watch her for one week straight and your opinion will change. Big Dave will be happy to know people agree with him on Natalee and Elizabeth Smart... and don't forget about the cheap vacation to Aurba.. Thanks natalee.
Actually dont know. Most everything I quote is a combination of movie lines and random NPR stuff I almost listened to...but it always sounds so complimentary when I smash it together and regurgitate it in a lovely tone of voice...
you have a knack (nac? nak? whatever) for making me laugh...you not only cover topics that are pissin me off to begin with but you have a way of portraying them that just rocks!
natalie...ya...4.0 blah, that's right....lots of people go 'missing' but why focus on their grade point average....who gives a shit, it's not gonna help her when she's tied up in the backseat of a sedan.
Natalie? Who the fuck is that?
Sorry, I was too distracted by that tasty vein in your neck.
i can't believe u don't like my feet. i mean. i painted my toes and washed the stinky sweaty runner smell off just to take that pic in hopes that you'd see it and fall in love with me a-la blogland cyber love type shit...and here u go and insult my poor big huge boats....good God Johnny, do u not know that every bloody thing i post on my blog is in anticipation for your remarks...in fact i'm crying, WAILING as I type this....please please forgive me for posting my feet! ;P
ok then....tomorrow is 1/2 nekkid thursday and if u dont like what i post, i'll kick your shin! (guess that's kinda hard from Canada, but i wud if i cud) i keed, i keed!
Oh my god dude, I actually shed a tear. I mean, amazing. This is the funniest blog I've been to. I don't konw where to begin, but it is like I could hear the dialogue in my head. And you made such a believable bitchy white chick out of Nancy. And the pathetic overhead dude. Classic. Satire at its finest.
Huge fan.
Blake
elbows? i give up.
I have no idea what any of you people are talking about.
I grew up under a rock and have managed to move back recently.
but if I had to guess, I'd say it was good satire.
ps. my rock now gets WiFi
Thanks...just like TV...without the cheese sauce.
wedding - your in the majority
glo - now i will waste an hour trying to find out what movie that came from
mitz - feel free to let me know what pisses you off so i can eventually use it to my advantage.
blake - come on.. nancy grace is a bitchy white chick. there's no crying on this blog.
jen - blogroll me all you want.
nat - very important question... which jawbreaker character where you in high school?
mitz - those could have been elbows.
perd - and you still sterotype pigeons
g.d. - i was shooting for TV with cheese sauce
i do it anyway.....so enjoy and have fun harassing me...whatever gets u off lil johnny! ;P
i don't play fair...and i really don't care. zero elbows....let's see yours....on second thought....
you can see my elbow in my profile pic
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