Fight Night: TV dads (Part I)
Welcome everyone to the first edition of Fight Night. I'm Jim Lampley alongside Larry Merchant and special color commentator "Iron" Mike Tyson.
Mike: .... I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating.*
Jim: .... excellent point Mike.....Tonights match up brings us 2 heavyweight dads from TV land. Al "Whoooahhh" Bundy will go toe to toe with Danny "No Mercy" Tanner. Just an incredilble matchup Larry.
Larry: Real incredible match up Jim....
Jim: ......Yeah... i know i just said that.....
Larry:........ Don't start with me....please...not this early..... Real exciting match up Jim. Its going to be interesting to see how Bundy's chi-town south paw style will match up with Tanner's San Fran Slap machine.
Jim: Wake up San Fransico indeed. That slap machine can be furious. Mike your a 3 time champ how would you counter Tanner's style?
Mike:..... I would rip his stomach out and eat his children*..You have to mess with a man pyscologicalbilty..... especially a man that fathered 3 girls. That a takes a tough mentalilablity.
Jim: ....Yes Mike, i'm not sure if those are actual words but .. yes mike. good... now go play with the pigeons.... ....... When we talk Tanner we're talking about the mental game. He doesn't stack up to Bundy physically, but he has the reach and the brain over his oppenent? Larry you had a chance to interview Danny Tanner.
Larry: Jim, I had the chance to interview Danny Tanner. Mental toughness is there, for godsakes the man lived with the barrell of gun in his mouth most of his life..... why didn't he just pull the trigger? let's listen to what Tanner had to say......
======================
Larry: Danny Tanner, family man. Father of three beautiful daughters. Why fight Al Bundy?
Danny: I don't endorse fighting as resolve to any problem. Communication is the key... oh and with 55-1 odds i bet everything i had on myself, plus you guys are paying for everything and the purse is at 10mil. I don't know if you saw my last few movies... the cash flow needs a little pick me up.
Larry: Tell me about it. I need a lude every now and then. Some say your crazy Danny to do this and the majority of people say your going to get your ass kicked by Al Bundy...
Danny: I know... I know.. Al is bigger than me physically and make less than 20k a year..hahaha.. can you imagine... ahhhh...(cheesy music) but i believe in myself and the most important person you need to believe in you is yourself.
Larry: Where did that fucking music come from?..... What's interesting is your family thinks you'll win hands down. Here i have some qutoes. Your youngest Michelle "Daddy wins. Got it dude" some girl named Stephanie, i don't remember her but she said "Of course he'll win. How rude."..... Your brother in law Jesse "Danny win? Have Meerrr.....
Danny: DONT YOU DARE FINISH THAT FUCKIN LINE OR I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE CERVICAL!!!
Larry: ...O...K..... Anger issues with Stamos?
Danny:..... maybe........... it wasn't until the 3rd season that i notice the darkness bubbling inside.... The writers were taking the show in a new direction…..fucking Stamos… scored a 103 with test audiences…They wanted to center the show around him..What about me?? I'm the fucking dad....... I tried to have him killed but Gladstone wouldn’t cough up the dough.... Pussy. Gladstone sold out for the show and then the writers wrote him in an advetising team with Stamos for 3 seasons. Come On!! A fucking advertising firm out of the basement of my house??? What a joke? Sometimes i wished that basement would just cave.......
Larry: I see.... smoke and a pancake?
Danny: Thanks.....It seemed like every week I would get a revised script that lightened my lines, or be jetting off to report for Wake Up San Fransico even though... Becky and I were anchors and anchors don’t go out in the field to report unless its war or the elections….. fucking writers…. Then Stamos got to spend time with the girls and started doing the end of the day life lesson learned. Where was daddy, huh? No where in site. Michelle first words were dadda to Uncle fucking Jesse. God i hate him.
Larry: You seemed happy on the show? Must have not bothered you that much.
Danny: There were days I would sit in the dark in my dressing room with the barrel of cold hard gun in my mouth until the producer would turn on the lights.. then show time….....
Larry: How did you get through the eight years living together?
Danny: I fucked Gibbler.
Larry: You what! Kimmy Gibbler?
Danny - Oh yeah. The bitch knew how the help me blow a load and clear up my mind.
Larry: but its Gibbler....
Danny: Hey look Larry I'm a man damnit. I did have a wife you know. I'm not some homo that got stuck with 3 girls ok. She died in a car accident, ass. Episode fucking one, watch it some time.
Larry: Is that why you slept with Gibbler, to replace the physical void left by your dead wife?
Danny: No.. ....she....gibbler blackmailed me back in 89'. She walked in on me and Gladstone shooting a line off Kirk Cameron's ass. She said she was going to tell DJ if i didn't......
Larry: No need to cry Danny.... And there you have it folks. Danny Tanner will face Al Bu.....
Danny: What?…..
Larry: What?.
Danny: Stop making those bullwinkle noises Gladstone...AAAGGGHHHHHH.... GET OUT OF MY HEAD! AAAAGGGHHHH!!!
Larry: Excuse me Mr. Tanner, its only us in here..... and HOLY SHIT you just put a hole in that wall...
Danny: Sorry I must have blacked out. You have any ice.
Larry: ........................
Danny: ............
===============================
First off. Holy shit Danny Tanner is a psycho and secondly, you didn't talk about boxing at all. This is a pre-fight show and you gave me an Oprah moment. What the hell Larry?.
Tyson: His mind is fwightining. Peresonally, I'm on the Zoloft to keep from killing y'all.*
Larry: Jim this is a pre-fight show and i gave you an Oprah moment, i know. I was just trying to give you more damnit. Your such an asshole. Why can't you appericate me for who i am? I can't take this, i'm leaving.
Larry? I.... I was only trying to..... don't go... Come back here. HEY Come back here little miss prissy. I'M TALKING TO YOU!! ..... Great just great.
Mike: I don't react to a tragic happening any more. I took so many bad things as a kid and some people think I don't care about anything. It's just too hard for me to get emotional. I can't cry no more.*
We'll be back after these commericals......... (part II to come later)
* actual tyson quotes.
Mike: .... I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating.*
Jim: .... excellent point Mike.....Tonights match up brings us 2 heavyweight dads from TV land. Al "Whoooahhh" Bundy will go toe to toe with Danny "No Mercy" Tanner. Just an incredilble matchup Larry.
Larry: Real incredible match up Jim....
Jim: ......Yeah... i know i just said that.....
Larry:........ Don't start with me....please...not this early..... Real exciting match up Jim. Its going to be interesting to see how Bundy's chi-town south paw style will match up with Tanner's San Fran Slap machine.
Jim: Wake up San Fransico indeed. That slap machine can be furious. Mike your a 3 time champ how would you counter Tanner's style?
Mike:..... I would rip his stomach out and eat his children*..You have to mess with a man pyscologicalbilty..... especially a man that fathered 3 girls. That a takes a tough mentalilablity.
Jim: ....Yes Mike, i'm not sure if those are actual words but .. yes mike. good... now go play with the pigeons.... ....... When we talk Tanner we're talking about the mental game. He doesn't stack up to Bundy physically, but he has the reach and the brain over his oppenent? Larry you had a chance to interview Danny Tanner.
Larry: Jim, I had the chance to interview Danny Tanner. Mental toughness is there, for godsakes the man lived with the barrell of gun in his mouth most of his life..... why didn't he just pull the trigger? let's listen to what Tanner had to say......
======================
Larry: Danny Tanner, family man. Father of three beautiful daughters. Why fight Al Bundy?
Danny: I don't endorse fighting as resolve to any problem. Communication is the key... oh and with 55-1 odds i bet everything i had on myself, plus you guys are paying for everything and the purse is at 10mil. I don't know if you saw my last few movies... the cash flow needs a little pick me up.
Larry: Tell me about it. I need a lude every now and then. Some say your crazy Danny to do this and the majority of people say your going to get your ass kicked by Al Bundy...
Danny: I know... I know.. Al is bigger than me physically and make less than 20k a year..hahaha.. can you imagine... ahhhh...(cheesy music) but i believe in myself and the most important person you need to believe in you is yourself.
Larry: Where did that fucking music come from?..... What's interesting is your family thinks you'll win hands down. Here i have some qutoes. Your youngest Michelle "Daddy wins. Got it dude" some girl named Stephanie, i don't remember her but she said "Of course he'll win. How rude."..... Your brother in law Jesse "Danny win? Have Meerrr.....
Danny: DONT YOU DARE FINISH THAT FUCKIN LINE OR I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE CERVICAL!!!
Larry: ...O...K..... Anger issues with Stamos?
Danny:..... maybe........... it wasn't until the 3rd season that i notice the darkness bubbling inside.... The writers were taking the show in a new direction…..fucking Stamos… scored a 103 with test audiences…They wanted to center the show around him..What about me?? I'm the fucking dad....... I tried to have him killed but Gladstone wouldn’t cough up the dough.... Pussy. Gladstone sold out for the show and then the writers wrote him in an advetising team with Stamos for 3 seasons. Come On!! A fucking advertising firm out of the basement of my house??? What a joke? Sometimes i wished that basement would just cave.......
Larry: I see.... smoke and a pancake?
Danny: Thanks.....It seemed like every week I would get a revised script that lightened my lines, or be jetting off to report for Wake Up San Fransico even though... Becky and I were anchors and anchors don’t go out in the field to report unless its war or the elections….. fucking writers…. Then Stamos got to spend time with the girls and started doing the end of the day life lesson learned. Where was daddy, huh? No where in site. Michelle first words were dadda to Uncle fucking Jesse. God i hate him.
Larry: You seemed happy on the show? Must have not bothered you that much.
Danny: There were days I would sit in the dark in my dressing room with the barrel of cold hard gun in my mouth until the producer would turn on the lights.. then show time….....
Larry: How did you get through the eight years living together?
Danny: I fucked Gibbler.
Larry: You what! Kimmy Gibbler?
Danny - Oh yeah. The bitch knew how the help me blow a load and clear up my mind.
Larry: but its Gibbler....
Danny: Hey look Larry I'm a man damnit. I did have a wife you know. I'm not some homo that got stuck with 3 girls ok. She died in a car accident, ass. Episode fucking one, watch it some time.
Larry: Is that why you slept with Gibbler, to replace the physical void left by your dead wife?
Danny: No.. ....she....gibbler blackmailed me back in 89'. She walked in on me and Gladstone shooting a line off Kirk Cameron's ass. She said she was going to tell DJ if i didn't......
Larry: No need to cry Danny.... And there you have it folks. Danny Tanner will face Al Bu.....
Danny: What?…..
Larry: What?.
Danny: Stop making those bullwinkle noises Gladstone...AAAGGGHHHHHH.... GET OUT OF MY HEAD! AAAAGGGHHHH!!!
Larry: Excuse me Mr. Tanner, its only us in here..... and HOLY SHIT you just put a hole in that wall...
Danny: Sorry I must have blacked out. You have any ice.
Larry: ........................
Danny: ............
===============================
First off. Holy shit Danny Tanner is a psycho and secondly, you didn't talk about boxing at all. This is a pre-fight show and you gave me an Oprah moment. What the hell Larry?.
Tyson: His mind is fwightining. Peresonally, I'm on the Zoloft to keep from killing y'all.*
Larry: Jim this is a pre-fight show and i gave you an Oprah moment, i know. I was just trying to give you more damnit. Your such an asshole. Why can't you appericate me for who i am? I can't take this, i'm leaving.
Larry? I.... I was only trying to..... don't go... Come back here. HEY Come back here little miss prissy. I'M TALKING TO YOU!! ..... Great just great.
Mike: I don't react to a tragic happening any more. I took so many bad things as a kid and some people think I don't care about anything. It's just too hard for me to get emotional. I can't cry no more.*
We'll be back after these commericals......... (part II to come later)
* actual tyson quotes.
posted by Johnny Menace at 7:37 PM
50 Comments:
after this one, i think i'm in love with you.
*bows down* i'm not worthy! i'm not worthy!
and al bundy all the fuckin way dude!
Goddamn, & I thought I was insane. That was fucking hilarious.
Ahhh *Gasping for air, holding side*
What can I say.
I'm sending this link to everyone.
People I know, people I don't know.
I pray your not just jerking me around and are really gonna do part II
hysterical!!
Laughing my ass off!!!
I hope Bundy knocks Tanner's nose down to size!!! Ya gotta do part 2. Larry merchant's gotta get caught in a backroom snortin up a storm after he walked off...
That was awesome!!!
Can I like your blog to mine? This - I have to share with my sick minded friends...
mellon - hmmmm not the effect i was going for but what the hell.
madman - if you like the demise of full house you should read http://millersrandomthoughts.blogspot.com/2005/06/uncle-jesses-last-stand.html/
butt - while your down there....
shane - don't worry you are insane.
ped - i don't jerk others. i'm to selfious and of course i have to write a bundy piece. might be a while i have to give full attention to shark week.
jamie -thanks i hope no one dry humps you anymore.
g.d. - i aim to please devils
RU - yeah have you ever seen him do stand up.. raunchy.. he also directed dirty work... the man's a mogul. He'll never shake off danny tanner, that sink will haunt him forever.
jorge - I always figured Merchant to shoot speed directly in his gums before the show.... lot of bundy fans i see.
mel - your going to have to fill out a 25 page questionare, but while i write that up go ahead and link up.
This would be a hard fight to predict...I think Danny could take Al on pure blue ball power alone, and Al would probably welcome death and defeat as an escape from Marcy Darcy.
On the other hand, Danny would have to fight fair, because nothing good comes from cheating or taking advantage or hurting another and he has to set a good example for horsey face Stephanie, so he would most likely knock out Al with one fair punch, and leave the ring, not expecting Al to retaliate later with all the pent up shoe store aggression. 'Cuz Al ain't scared to get Bud and Kelly in on the gang bang action. There's gonna be one beat up vaccuum obsessed video watching pseudo-gay Tanner man.
ally - i hope one day you can experience that. Please post it when it happens.
jag - i haven't decided an ending. Blue ball power that would be Gladstone. Danny had Vicki Larson come on. And Al getting knocked out...... 4 touchdowns in one game that's all i have to say.
http://www.joebocko.com/Frank/albundy.html
Second picture, baby. That's the good stuff.
Great post. You need to make Larry Merchant a little more senile though. Remember the guy usually doesn't remember what he is talking about by the end of his sentence.
jag - that 2nd picture was money and that article feeled with love. That last quote from Bundy proves he wouldn't kill himself or we would have not it a long time ago.
baby - yeah i thought about that but i needed larry to move the post long. If i did the real larry merchant this thing would be 3 more pages of his ramblings.
josh - he's got his big un's collection and the jiggy room.
while i'm down there?
eh fine. i'll do it just this once.
Johnny and Madman
Couldn't get the Jesse's last stand link to work that you posted. I think this should work.
uncle-jesses-last-stand
butt - what's with the attitude i've seen you do it for other people.. help a guy out my hands are full here.
perd - thanks. i had to put that under my access of evil link.
I fucked Gibler too.
link up? question mark?
i'll admit, i'm not to most savvy blogger out there...
FINE! get over here, whip it out and let me do my thang.
jesus. so demanding.
who hasn't fucked gibbler?
Your pictures add that perfect touch that completes the funness of your blog
six? can you honestly screw a girl named six?!
i'm a name hater. then again being of russian decent..i have to be. no boris, no igor, no ivan.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ally s- now that danny tanner has come out. I think a lot of people will admit to fucking gibler.
mellon - link up. how can i complain?
butt - ....ok... but your still going to tie my shoes right?
celly - espeically that tombo cut. i think i'll have it framed. feel free to use that as wallpaper.
RU - what was the gibler like? i think it would be like fucking a dead fish. and your right six was hot for her time. she has to be doing skinamax movies by now.
butt - do you even need to know someone's name to screw?
looks like another gibler victim was trying to come foward but deleted their comment.
Bravo John Menace! Danny Tanner would own Bundy. He has alot of pent up rage from "losing the wife". Ha! yeah, what you might not have seen in episode one, was a very stressed Danny Tanner loosening the lugnuts of his wife's 84 Chevy Impala after finding out she was fucking Gibbler's dad. Hence, the stealing of young Gib's inncocence. Classic textbook revenge....TANNER STYLE!
www.millersrandomthoughts.blogspot.com
it's official.
SINNER!!
shawn - i don't know.. we are talking about tv dad legend in bundy. and yes that would explain a lot and wasn't gibler's parents divorced? i thought she lived with her mom.
ru - i think you need to just admit it and post it own your blog "the day i fucked gibler aka deadfish day"
eddie - when you drink do you babble about stock and interest rates.
butt - it was offical a long time ago.
um... so why does Mike Tyson cry after sex?
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you would too if someone was spraying mace in your face.
heheh..heh...ok so its dated. so what.
I use to get my Tyson fix from the Opie and Anthony show. so i welcome any tyson jokes and comments. he is high comedy.
dude....just the fact that u posted a pic of kimmi gibbler is enough to make me want to shout!
lmao! very funny!
big al doesn't stand a chance.
especially if tanner busts out one of the big guns, like that souped-up DustBuster.
Oh Gibbler. Remember that episode in which she had a pet ostrich? Remember? That was a gas.
Not really. No.
Jesus the bundy doubters are coming out.
mitzee - gibler needs to go on surreal life.
RU - fine.... fine... what about Six or punky bruster? and what kind of car are we talking about?
cadiz - how many of kelly's boyfriends has bundy beat up? all of them... even that rich one that dicked kelly over.
haliey - no one remembers that
Bundy's taking Tanner out. Bundy's not one to lose his cool in a fight. But the way Tanner freaked out he's probably gonna get away from his game plan (if he has one that is). And besides, how can you go against a guy that scored 4 touchdowns in one game?
hey. cockslap-man. where's part 2?
and elimidate will be very shortly...pwomise.
shane - i don't think there is really a game plan in TV dad fights its pretty much swing until you are tired.
ed - there was no rap and there was no marketing questions in that comment. your changing.
nat - always was freaked out by gladstone. 40yr old man doing bullwinkle to get women?
upc health - hmmmm... ok... do you rap?
buttah - cockslap man sounds 10x better than coke off shaft man. part 2 will come. some off us actually work. who are you getting for elimidate?
and i won't lie i'm rooting for a Good Times vs 90210 fight next time.
90210 vs. Good Times would be a no brainer. Unless Kelly hired out someone to do her fighting. Maybe Good Times vs. Family Matters. Put Urkel in a helmet.
Brenda would need a serious bitch to face off with. She should one on one with Jackie from 227. That'd be a good one.
Oh, if you put Ray Barone in the next fight, I'm begging you, please let somebody beat the crap out of him.
Digging your poll.
90210 Jim Walsh vs James Evans from Good Times. Angry black dad vs upper middle class white dad with fucked up kids he's ashamed of.
Ooh...didn't think about that take on it. Could be promising.
thus the TV dad fight night.... TV... dad.
years and years of TV research.... trust me i was way off on Larry Merchant...
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