Dennis, Florida thanks you
Hurricanes... You have to watch them. There just plain fun. They bring chaos, flooding, death, 
looting, and lower property taxes. Gotta enjoy the news coverage when it comes to hurricanes. They are the best. Showing you all the descrution, families lose everything, idiots running in the ocean.....(i really thought one of those dumb fuckers was going to get swallowed up and dissappear when MSNBC were showing people live going into the ocean)
Which begs the question.When are you not rooting for the storm? You get hyped up and watch some footage of Dennis rip up a third world country like Cuba..which is the equivlant of fighting Glass Joe in Mike Tyson's punch out... and who doesn't like it when a someone whips Cuba's ass.. So the hurricane's already a hero and gaining popularity and coming to fight the american shoreline.. So you get excited and want to see what kind of damage he can really do...and don't give me that "those poor people on the coast" excuse... come on we are talking about rednecks. If you been to these cities you know what i'm talking about. And how come all residents has to evacuate but reporters have a secert gopher hole where they magically make it through the storm?
Let's go live to Anderson Cooper who is in Panama City standing in the aftermath of Dennis. Coop?
Coop: Good morning to you Dean. The blessing of Hurricane Dennis can be...
Dean: Woah Woah.. Woah. Blessing what the hell are you talking about?
Coop: Oh come on Dean...
Dean: Come on what?
Coop: Have you been to this area of Florida?
Dean: No, i'm sorry to say i spend my vacations in the Islands.
Coop: Consider yourself a lucky man Dean. This is the redneck neck captiol of Florida. Don't be fooled by the beach property Dean. Once you get past the main drag its hicksville all the way. Rednecks all over, here in the armpit of Florida. God cleary wants to cleanse the coast of rednecks as a part of his continual damnation of Florida.
Dean: Coop hurricanes are caused by tropical deppression headed into the Gulf area and hot moist air ascends into cool rotating winds of thunderstorms.
Coop: Complete bullshit Dean. It is obvious my prayers and the prayers of millions that have seen ugliness that lies in heart of this hicktown are being answered. Ivan was the first and Dennis is not the last.
Dean: and where in Panama city are you Coop?
Coop: We're here on Dophlin Drive about 7 miles from the coast, and you can see behind me the descruction and caranage brought to this neighborhood. This space right here. Gary can you point the camera there. Right there use to be the backbone in this neighborhood Zeb's Fixin Store which considered of a tire service, restraunt, grocery store, paint shop, and brothel. It is also where we found this guy.(Cooper takes a knee next to a three legged sheep dog.)
Dean: Good God. The hurricane ripped of this dogs leg!
Coop: No no no no Dean... i wish it would have been so simple.... His owner sawed his leg off to make a broth for some soup before they evacuated Florida. Luckly we found this guy chained to a tire...... Just goes to show you what kind of vile creatures we are dealing with... And look over here.. gary bring the camera over here....right here in the dirt you can see the an entire collection of the Dale Earnhart NASCAR dish series. All five of them broken.
Dean: Was there any one who waited the storm out?
Coop: No dean. We believe that the rednecks have traveled north to the backwoods of Tennesse into thier natural habitat . Commonly known as the Appalaction Mountains.
Dean: So what now?
Coop: Rejoice. The world will rejoice...... oh and lots of looting. Tons of looting. I had my eye on that Dale Earnheart collection but what are you going to do.
Dean: No what now for the town and other towns that have suffered damage from Dennis.
Coop: Well i've spoken to Jed Bush. They will ask for an emergency fianical aid from his brother. Then they will take that money to redevelop this area of Florida something they have been wanting to do for a long time.
Dean: But the redn.. er people still own that land.
Coop: The city of Panama will claim emmenet domain while everyone is gone and rezone this hell hole into commerical zoning. This is the Coop reporting out of the armpit of America.
Dean: Amen Coop. Praise be ah la.
Coop: Hallauh indeed Dean.
Dean: Thank you Coop. You heard it here first its offical... Revelations has begun.
On side note that footage of Anderson Cooper and John Zarrella watching the signs come straight at them.... Money.... Everytime i watch it i find myself rooting for the sign to come right at them and ripp Zarrella's head off. I'm dissapointed everytime.
If that aluminun sign came right them and Anderson Cooper ducked and Zarrella got his head sliced off would Cooper go on with the report? I think so. More imporantly i truley believe he would be screaming the same thing "I've never seen anything like this before" over and over. Then the Ramada Inn sign would strike him in the head.
In short. I think the world is a better place with rednecks out of Florida and staying in Tennesse (this is just another point that Florida is the most fucked up state to live in). In fact i would say all Flordians have to be happy.. i mean any time you wipe out a redneck infested area its a win win. Can't wait for the next one.
and Mobile i didn't forget about you. God hates you to.
looting, and lower property taxes. Gotta enjoy the news coverage when it comes to hurricanes. They are the best. Showing you all the descrution, families lose everything, idiots running in the ocean.....(i really thought one of those dumb fuckers was going to get swallowed up and dissappear when MSNBC were showing people live going into the ocean) Which begs the question.When are you not rooting for the storm? You get hyped up and watch some footage of Dennis rip up a third world country like Cuba..which is the equivlant of fighting Glass Joe in Mike Tyson's punch out... and who doesn't like it when a someone whips Cuba's ass.. So the hurricane's already a hero and gaining popularity and coming to fight the american shoreline.. So you get excited and want to see what kind of damage he can really do...and don't give me that "those poor people on the coast" excuse... come on we are talking about rednecks. If you been to these cities you know what i'm talking about. And how come all residents has to evacuate but reporters have a secert gopher hole where they magically make it through the storm?
Let's go live to Anderson Cooper who is in Panama City standing in the aftermath of Dennis. Coop?
Coop: Good morning to you Dean. The blessing of Hurricane Dennis can be...
Dean: Woah Woah.. Woah. Blessing what the hell are you talking about?
Coop: Oh come on Dean...
Dean: Come on what?
Coop: Have you been to this area of Florida?
Dean: No, i'm sorry to say i spend my vacations in the Islands.
Coop: Consider yourself a lucky man Dean. This is the redneck neck captiol of Florida. Don't be fooled by the beach property Dean. Once you get past the main drag its hicksville all the way. Rednecks all over, here in the armpit of Florida. God cleary wants to cleanse the coast of rednecks as a part of his continual damnation of Florida.
Dean: Coop hurricanes are caused by tropical deppression headed into the Gulf area and hot moist air ascends into cool rotating winds of thunderstorms.
Coop: Complete bullshit Dean. It is obvious my prayers and the prayers of millions that have seen ugliness that lies in heart of this hicktown are being answered. Ivan was the first and Dennis is not the last.
Dean: and where in Panama city are you Coop?
Coop: We're here on Dophlin Drive about 7 miles from the coast, and you can see behind me the descruction and caranage brought to this neighborhood. This space right here. Gary can you point the camera there. Right there use to be the backbone in this neighborhood Zeb's Fixin Store which considered of a tire service, restraunt, grocery store, paint shop, and brothel. It is also where we found this guy.(Cooper takes a knee next to a three legged sheep dog.)
Dean: Good God. The hurricane ripped of this dogs leg!
Coop: No no no no Dean... i wish it would have been so simple.... His owner sawed his leg off to make a broth for some soup before they evacuated Florida. Luckly we found this guy chained to a tire...... Just goes to show you what kind of vile creatures we are dealing with... And look over here.. gary bring the camera over here....right here in the dirt you can see the an entire collection of the Dale Earnhart NASCAR dish series. All five of them broken.
Dean: Was there any one who waited the storm out?
Coop: No dean. We believe that the rednecks have traveled north to the backwoods of Tennesse into thier natural habitat . Commonly known as the Appalaction Mountains.
Dean: So what now?
Coop: Rejoice. The world will rejoice...... oh and lots of looting. Tons of looting. I had my eye on that Dale Earnheart collection but what are you going to do.
Dean: No what now for the town and other towns that have suffered damage from Dennis.
Coop: Well i've spoken to Jed Bush. They will ask for an emergency fianical aid from his brother. Then they will take that money to redevelop this area of Florida something they have been wanting to do for a long time.
Dean: But the redn.. er people still own that land.
Coop: The city of Panama will claim emmenet domain while everyone is gone and rezone this hell hole into commerical zoning. This is the Coop reporting out of the armpit of America.
Dean: Amen Coop. Praise be ah la.
Coop: Hallauh indeed Dean.
Dean: Thank you Coop. You heard it here first its offical... Revelations has begun.
On side note that footage of Anderson Cooper and John Zarrella watching the signs come straight at them.... Money.... Everytime i watch it i find myself rooting for the sign to come right at them and ripp Zarrella's head off. I'm dissapointed everytime.
If that aluminun sign came right them and Anderson Cooper ducked and Zarrella got his head sliced off would Cooper go on with the report? I think so. More imporantly i truley believe he would be screaming the same thing "I've never seen anything like this before" over and over. Then the Ramada Inn sign would strike him in the head.
In short. I think the world is a better place with rednecks out of Florida and staying in Tennesse (this is just another point that Florida is the most fucked up state to live in). In fact i would say all Flordians have to be happy.. i mean any time you wipe out a redneck infested area its a win win. Can't wait for the next one.
and Mobile i didn't forget about you. God hates you to.
posted by Johnny Menace at 8:49 AM
29 Comments:
I agree. The coverage of hurricanes is awesome. Oh George, watch as this hurricane completely ruins this huge, metal sign above my head. Wow, this storm is powerful...it's hilarious as they duck and dive. I just want to say..what the hell are you doing there? People GET THE HELL OUT not go TO the storms. Leave dude.
aha! ahahah!!! i'm crying i'm laughing so hard!
veeba - I have a theroy that reporters and camera crews are the one's looting the homes.
mellan - its the picture that redneck on the toliet brings back a lot of memories for me.
Awesome dude - very funny!
I've never been to Florida (my wife refuses to go), but it's the number 1 destination for white trash in the UK. If you want to see the worst of Britain and don't want to leave the States, just head on down to Florida and look for the lobster coloured men in soccer shirts, off their faces on booze, causing trouble and shouting. That's our scum.
I am ALWAYS rooting for the storm (or any other natural disaster)
...does that make me sick?
I want CARNAGE and DESTRUCTION. Not neccessarily lives lost, but definetly large scale property destruction, floating cars, couches in the treetops, etc.
But what about the old people who go there to die. It's the human equavalent of the elephant graveyard. Perhaps they have called the god's of weather down upon all of them.
"For the love of God, won't someone please think about the old people."
(or are threy all on the gulf side?)
I like the dea of excercising eminent domain and rezoning the shit out of that place.....but, there's too many rednecks in Tennesee..i say we ship them to a far better place: cuba.
That is fascinating and disturbing at the same time. I am Canadian, from Southern Ontario and we don't tend to get any of the severe weather "biggies" here. I have never experienced a hurricane, tornado or earthquake. I can't help but be rivited when there are natural disasters on the news....I just can't help but be awed by the power of nature.....we are so puny.
Whoa Eddie,
I mean I'm totally about pimping ones self but, I mean, do you really think your blog style would jive with Johnny's
Or are you just pinging every site you find with the same comment?
Hey, I thought Texas was the capital of the southerners *cough* I mean rednecks. You know the accents, cowboy boots and the hats they all threw me off. Texas has been known to have hurricanes hit their coast and not just any hurricane folks the worst one in history. It killed over 6,000 people in Galveston.
Last time I checked Florida was the #1 tourist destination… not just in the country, in the world. They must have something to offer to have so many people want to visit. Hmmmm… maybe they wanted to visit redneck Mickey.
I do however think it is in pretty bad taste to make fun of people who have lost their lives, their homes or both. I am not religious but who are you to say who god likes and doesn’t like? Do you really think that you are that righteous?
speaking of texas....i love texas!
just thought i'd throw that out there.
everything you said was TRUE
and here I thought it was satire
Wow, this eerily familiar to the severe weather guide i posted on our blog back in the beginning of June. We're in Kansas, so we don't get cool shit like hurricanes. We do however have a lovely tourist attraction called tornado season which i'm sure you get the pleasure of experiencing in Texas.
Freakin' funny! He!
bob - i'd love to hear your accounts on florida. why doesn't your wife want to go?
spidey - i think it means your human. i mean we would never watch news, movies, etc if we didn't like the stuff.
peridta - i think all old people reside on Boca Raton and at least they will go out with a bang. Now people can say your grandparents died in hurricane which is 10x better than your grandparents lived out there lives on a golf resort in boca raton and died in their sleep...... together..... holding hands.
butt - cuba? they'll just swim back. I think tennesse would be more useful if we just started dumping rednecks there.
eddie - rap all you want. But i expect an ecomic/stock impact due to dennis on your blog tommorrow.
cele - "biggies"? tell me that is not the canadian term for natural disasters.
ally - like a hurricane.
butterffly - where are you from so that we can all avoid this town.
no-I - Texas coast has also been known to be runned by the Philopino Mafia, what's your point? Love the comment. i have to many bad taste responses for you. I'll have to just post them.
butt - where did you go in texas?
perdita - that's a great article. you make that shit up..
shane - nice tornado coverage. I now know to stay away from ninja stars as well. Maybe ms. i-no would like to read it as well.
The dude taking a shit freaks me out. That's all I have to say...
A
Yeah. How important does a phone call have to be to talk while you take a shit........ outside..... naked?
my brother lives in texas. first in dallas, now in houston. almost went to UT-Austin, but after being drunker than i ever have...refrained and went to cali instead.
Well firstly Mrs Bob doesn't want to go because of all the drunken British idiots that go and secondly she's not really a fan of theme parks. I want to go to watch a shuttle launch (I'm a geek).
On the whole Brits that go to Florida also like to sleep in their cars by the interstate and get shot. But mainly they go to get drunk, go to clubs and pull women. They think their British accent (Dick Van Dyke), soccer shirts, lobster coloured sunburnt skin, loud voices, falling-down-drunk-and-then-start-a-fight attitude are like some overpowering aphrodisiac towards the opposite sex. Strange and a bit boring really.
butt - so you hit 6th street?
bob - good to know mrs. bob calls the shots and makes wise choices.
teresa - earthquakes are nice and destructive but no very visible. I'd have to rank them under wildfires, mob riots, and mudslides. besides earthquakes are going to have to wait round 2 is coming up for Florida with soon to be hurricane emily.
anderson cooper is hot. i've always kinda wanted to see him all wet, but this dennis thing wasn't so exotic. not what i had in mind.
Jasmine, honey, you got a little distracted there...
I lived through a hurricane in a 3rd world country and I *still* get spellbound by the coverage. Only now I punctuate it with awesomely awful things I've actually seen. It's sick, but you gotta love it when mother nature shows her muscle.
jasmine - I'm sure Coop will have a steady income breeding if the whole CNN thing doesn't work out, but remember you are talking about the man who hosted ABC's "the mole".
g.lo - spellbound by the hype of the coverage, the anticipation, or the actual footage and descruction? what 3rd world country would that be?
yup. and a few hundered frat parties in the weekend i was there visiting.
god i should have gone there.
s'all good. odds are i'll end up in texas eventually.
Johnny, I like the cut of your jib. I'm linking to you.
Great story... I mean just take a look at the guy... He's shittin man. I dunno bout ya'll but he looks like he's chillin' to me. He gets mad plus points for that!!!
Is that you on the toilet with the phone?
butt - the few hundred parties didn't sway you.
shane - i don't have a sailboat.
jorge - you can do anything when you own beach front property or squatting on someone's beach front property.
ally s - sorry to dissapoint. i wish i could manage a mullet that commanding
Good stuff, man... I thought I was the only person with a satirical Blog, and you proved me wrong. Keep it up with this shit, man... it kills me.
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