Menacing Mission: Week 3

Fuck Texas. That's all I have to say.

Simply because it's snowing in Texas too.

Yep, it's just my fucking luck that my good friend the truck driver (mentioned in the last post) threw me out at the Fort Hood security check-stop before high-tailing it off into the night and leaving me for dead.

I pissed myself again, not so much for warmth but this time for entertainment value.

So I guess there was no making it to Crystal City, TX after all... I felt heartbroken... Especially after I had purchased that Olive Oil costume back in Burleson and been rehearsing "He Needs Me" for the past three days....

We won't focus on Why I was kicked out.

I mean, I figure maybe it had something to do with the stunt I pulled back at the Toilet Seat Museum in San Antonio (even though I promised never to do it again).

Or, maybe it was my navigational short comings. I mean I had NO idea the map was upside down and as far as I knew the city names were in spanish.... so we were driving South.. sure, by my standards... which was actually North.... For about 14 hours.

Anyway, here I was stranded at Fort Hood contemplating joining the Army.
After much thought I settled on taking the more "conservative" route.... Yes, slutting myself back on the interstate for another truck ride East... Only this time my trucker companion had issues, clearly:

"Wher ya headin?"
"East, you?"
"East to Louisiana, yep. Climb in."

Now I don't care to elaborate..... but what I will mention was the cous-cous on the propane tank in the back of the truck cab and the carvings in the dashboard.

"you retarded er su'tin?"
"Not as far as you know, why?"
"It looks like you pissed yer pants... only retards do that ther."
"Ahh. So do freezing survivalists."
"Ya but, don't it freeze to ya?"
"Eventually, but it's a slow process... like reading is to you.. I'm sure."

Over time the new truck driver and I formed a bond - borderline Hallmark material I assure you. Nothing like chewing Skoal and swapping sociopathic tendencies to bring a pair of strangers closer together.

We arrived in Angola, LA a little quicker than either of us planned, thanks to my recipe for sleepy potatoes and my urgent lead foot. Once there, my confused truck driver friend convinced me into stopping long enough to check out a couple hours of "Convict Poker," which seemed silly to me but completely entertaining.

What is "Convict Poker" you ask? Well, it's when four jailbirds sit around a card table playing a hand while a bull charges and attempts to gore them.

That's right. Gore them. Ha. Poker face. Ha. Get it? Fuck.

The next two days we covered the bulk of the good state and I was given the boot and $200 to catch a bus out of Sabine Parish and head North into Arkansas.

Which can I just say is home to one (of many) double decker outhouses.

Yep. It's a charming little side stop where apparently the terms "so-and-so shit on me" or the proverbial "Are you shitting me?" and "Don't be a shit head" originated.

Interesting yes, distracting.. uh-huh. But as I got back on the bus to head into Kentucky I realized that it had been over a month and still no Menace sightings (except for the grilled cheese)... still no clues... still no hints.

Perhaps I had lost the trail. Perhaps he is dead. Perhaps... he's trying to do that rubicks cube thing with a blindfold on.. or for chrissakes playing Sudoku.... with Taylor Hayes.

Well fuck. He could be gone forever then.

So I paid a little more attention in Kentucky which (again) I figured was a "sure thing" type of place to find Johnny....

I mean, KY? Yes, and in my memory I can hear him say "EN that's pig lard."

Yeah so I sped to check things off of my KY Task List.

1. I climbed in the largest Bourbon barrel in the world (Bardstown, KY). Not there.

2. Stared deeply into the Mysterious face in the window in Lexington... Not him.

3. Walked into Colonel Sanders Cafe and called all the waitresses chicken. He wasn't there.

4. Looked in the dark corners of the Hairball and Animal Freak museum in Covington. Nope.

5. Baasked in the sunshine at the Goat Church in Dundee. Almost thought for a minute there... but, no. I did get a little horny just hanging around though.

6. Walked aimlessly around Big Beaver Lick and seemed to lose direction at Big Bone Lick State Park. Johnny still no where to be found. But I'm still horny.

7. Asked the Bourbon Fudge Monks to pray for my direction and my libido.

10. Stopped for a game of Mini Golf at Golgotha Bible & Golf. Snapped a picture of the nice lady that drove me to Kaelin's (Home of the Cheeseburger) - Where something unexpected happened.

I'm sitting at the bar portion of the Diner when the guy sitting next to me mentions something about church on Sunday and believing in the Lords word... When I say:

"Listen dude, if you have a problem with my black face and my I hate jesus t-shirt why don't you just come out and say it?"
When the waitress approaches me and asks "Say honey, what did one snow man say to the other?"
I replied "Smells like carrots?"

Her eyes grew big and she winked at me... she then proceeded to pull a small cardboard box out from under the counter and placed it in front of me. Apprehensively I pulled the twine string apart and began to open it slowly... I noticed a pungent odor emitting from the box that only grew stronger as I pulled the small post card from the top of what was inside. It read:

"EN.
I was always fond of that shirt."

Placing the card to the side and looking cautiously around the diner, I lifted the smelly seeping item out of the box, placed it on the counter and began to peel away the tissue paper that surrounded it.

The asshat sitting next to me looked on in disgust at my crooked grin, and I continued to unfold.

Within moments, the item was in my sight and it all became quite clear what my next move should be. My bar neighbor became disturbed and chortled as he threw up a little in his mouth:

"What in sam hell is THAT?"
"Well... Sir... I'd say that... Is a Calzone."

I slid the box to my neighbor, stuffed the post card in my pants, robbed the register for about $300 and taxi'd to the airport for a trip North East... way North East.... into Maine.

Stay tuned.....