Menacing Mission: Week 2

Alright so after my short stop in Oklahoma I continued to head south into Texas with a band of circus midgets who specialize in human juxta-contortion... It was a bizarre trip to say the least and I admit that after the first 24 hours I grew tired of their querky ideas of entertainment... such as their spectacular "reach-around pyramid" or "the change maker."

Somewhere around North Texas/Southern Oklahoma I fell out of the truck. Despondant and shivering I bucked up and thumb-hitched along the ice-infested interstate... using only my own piss and shit to stay warm. I was thankful for my bodily fluids, and that I had not shaved my legs (or anything else for that matter) in about a month...

I honestly believe I would not have survived the cold had it not been for the abundance of body hair.

moving on. Texas is a huge state, which is probably why it's taken me a week and a half to search through it. I thought for certain this place was the key to finding Johnny... It's just a matter of which prison to hit first?

In between congecal visits and conning meals I found a truck driver who was heading south to Crystal City, TX and wondered if I'd like to go along.

"What ya travelin' fer sweet stuff."
"I'm searching for my friend... Johnny Menace."
The driver looked startled "Johnny Menace you don't say..."
"You know Johnny? Have you seen him lately?"
"Naw hun, but I've herd of him. He's sorta a legend to us truckers."

He evaded my prying but it was finally surfaced that he had spotted someone he thought was Menace at a truckstop in Paris, TX when his grilled cheese went missing and all was left was a note from "JM" that read "I needed to stick my cock in this."

To make a long story short we stayed the course for 4 days and as we went he'd stop for me at the best landmarks to look for someone like Johnny at... First one being Cadillac Ranch.

Legend apparently had it that Menace hides away in the sixth cadillac (in the chain) sipping Patron and writing pornographic Dr. Suess.... "Nawbady ever bothers the little bugger, reckon he just wants ter sit."

Well I climbed in and out of that Cadillac... took DNA Samples and then decided Austin was the next best place to focus on. Well atleast I tried to stay focused on my mission..... but found myself strangely distracted at two very enlightening "hot spots."

The first being in Waxahatchie, TX at the Ellis County courthouses Unrequited Love Carvings... The man outside was passing out little baggies of 'x' and urging you to enjoy the walk around the courthouse following the progression of phallicy that imbeds itself into the courthouse walls. I paid a group of schoolkids to go steal the 'x' baggies and stocked my pockets with enough blue pills to get me through the Mid-western states.
Then I took the tour 15 times.

Second distraction? Oooo... that was "Smut Putt" mini-golf. Can't imagine why? The flyer clearly stated nudity.... and shiny things.... had to go...

"An oustanding amalgamation of surrealism with a hillbilly twist, or what owner Scott Stevens calls "Smut Putt". A giant cactus garden decorated with crutches, mannequin and doll heads on sticks, sculpture, toys large and small, and lots of cactus. Bottle trees and a giant papershell pecan tree loaded with baby dolls and spinning CDs that produce a beautiful mirror ball effect round out this premiere roadside attraction.

Yep. and I'll let you know it meant nothing that I popped atleast 12 tabs of exstacy before I played that night... it was, well.... hmmm.

Moving on.
I can easily say that after scouring Austin for a day and a half there was no sign of Menace. I was becoming discouraged and continuing to text all those fags back at home worried about Johnny... Scumbag was the most upset. I could see him sitting there in his trailer with tears streaming down his cheeks. I tried my best to console him but it was clear his heart was broken:

shane i have not found him yet
do u really think hes dead emma
i am trying to have hope
im so depressed i cant blog anymore
no shane say it isnt so!
i m sorry emma i just cant
SHANE NOOOOOOO!!!

and the wedding party was gone... just like that.

I hope you're somewhere reading this Johnny and that you understand what your disappearance has done to poor fragile souls like Scumbag. First he questions his manhood.... and now this... you gone... Im not sure he'll ever be the same.

In fact, let's all have a moment for Shane before we move on... and maybe a candlelight prayer vigil for Menace and his safe return before we continue the journey through the Lone Star state.... Yes, and while you do that I'll play more smut putt.

please bow your heads.