The Paddy Wagon

Run Retard........ Run

2008-01-22T20:36:00.000-06:00

After watching Bill Richardson finally bow out of the race.. with the patten "i don't know but you must really like me since you ask me all these questions" smile and stare... and then squirm while being asked who he would throw is support to.... wait.. wait.. wait... lets back up here.... ... Bill Richardson dropped out.... ok... who really thought he was going to make a dent... this is the same guy who claims to love the Boston Red Sox but dreams of being in Yankee pinstripes... really didn't we all know then?...

(a little hint for Bill next time he runs: ...pssssssst Bill.. illegal puerto ricans and arabs that live in NYC can't vote.. and everyone outside of NYC hates the yankees.. next time choose the red sox)

and now Fred Thompson quiting the race... again.. did you ever have a chance.. maybe maybe if you ran in the early 90's and rode the Days of Thunder Die Hard II and Cape Fear wave.. strike when the iron was hot Fred.. shit man.. that's Tom Cruise, Bruce Willis, and De Niro at your campaigns... but no you decided to milk it on Law & Order and you sucked on the tit to long... you lost your edge Fred.. and now you lost your friends..... but before you go.. please... tell us how you nabbed Jeri Thompsom.... meet her in TN... knew she was obcessed with rasins?...

With Bill bowing out and Fred losing his friends.. and others to follow until we are down to the big boys... .....how pissed would you be if donated money to a no chance canadiate and they didn't even finish the race... ... not to mention why in the hell you would throw money away like that... the least they could do is finish and not give up..

Did they guilt you into donating money.. like how you feel guilty for the retard running 100m dash in the Special Olympics.... so you buy him some Nike track shoes and running gear... knowning full well this retard isn't going to come close to winning ...because he's that retard with a clump of red hair on his head.. who doesn't run much because he would rather chew his own tongue and its hard to balance himself upright with a baby arm and adjacent baby leg..... but you think "Awwwwwwww damnit just because he doesn't have a chance he should get to run so he can feel good about himself"

So you spend some money... get in the stands.. get your self some nachos and a coke.... (which by the way if your ever at the Special Olympics i recommend bringing your own food.... really... a note the special food commitee .. we in the stands.. we would like to let you know we're not retarded... our tastebuds have evolved fully... we can taste the your 80% water off brand left over cheese dip that Gary "made"... and for the record i threw that hot dog in the trash that Gary handled... you shouldn't have retards handle food.. its unsanitary.. nothing againist you Gary.. i thought your insight into various trumpet noises and hand gnawing was hilarious... i just don't want to catch your diseases..) ............. ............ So you get in the stands to cheer for him... only to watch him run about 10m .. start to chew his tongue and waive back to the crowd.. smiling and chewing... stop and find a rock to play with.. then sit indian style with his rock on the track.. bite his tongue and shit himself... ........ .....at least he didn't get any on those shoes... he can keeps those for the next race........ ... and all you want to do is stand up and shout

"GET UP YOU FUCKING RETARD!!! THOSE NIKE WIND RESISTANT SHORTS COST ME $50.. PICK UP YOUR SHIT...AND FINISH THIS FUCKING RACE..."

but you don't because ..

A. you don't want anyone to know that's your tard...

B. it isn't the proper conduct to yell at them or expect them to finish...... .... so you sit there with everyone else as your baby legged tard moans in pain as he rolls around in his own shit... the track officals give him an honorable DQ blue ribbon for trying and wheelbarrow him off the track to applause... and hugs

..........so....... for those of you dontated to the total $18,699,937 for Bill or the $12,828,111 for Fred to run their race... and and not have the balls to demand he finish it or for your money back... lets look at some of the things you all could have collectivly done with that money instead... (feel free to add in the comments)

teeth for everyone in Alabama

Idaho for all the little people to live... so people don't have to worry about their babies being snatched off the street.... I think it goes without saying that Warwick Davis would be the undisuted King of the little people... No one tops Willow...

The Kansas City Royals

the infamous Jessica Simpson cabo wabo gravy panties

Quebec from Canada only to offically change the offical language to English and ban the word croissant

A lobby in Washington DC to rid America of clowns.. we'll call D.U.P.... unless anyone else has a better group name

John Stossel's moustache and glue it to Elizabeth Vargas's snatch and make her give the news with her snatch

Bill Richardson and Fred Thompson some Nike running gear and a marathon coach

18,699,937 rammen noodles and 12,828,111 Jack-n-box tacos

or keep it for the recession

so for those of you that invested $$ in retards still running and you feel they might stop and shit themseleves... just have the balls to tell that retard to keep running... all they need is postivie enouragement.... its not like your getting your money back

Words of wisdom....... on hold

2008-01-13T10:11:00.000-06:00

I think i have soaked up enough for 2 months... and its time to hang up.. thank you Southwest.. and thanks for making the fat chick next to me buy 2 seats... i really like having my own arm rest.. and i'm sure she got over it after you guys gave her that extra bag of peanuts...

1-800-I-FLY-SWA

just ask to be put on hold...... if your searching for wisdom

Where i was.. where i am.. where i will be

2007-11-15T21:31:00.000-06:00

Journal Date 10/2/2006

2007-09-15T10:33:00.000-05:00

This picture posted by The Menace some time ago is one I'm sure you all remember. When it appeared on the Handicap Parking blog it caused nary a stir. Basically got little or no reaction..... As far as every body knew, The Menace had returned from a long public hiatus donning a cuddly fluffy bunny head and Red Sox Jersey.

"How quaint" I'm sure most said to themselves, "Johnny has turned a newer, softer, gentler leaf. Maybe he's volunteering himself at Easter egg hunts for asian orphans.... That's nice."

However this was just not so.

In fact, while all of you were happy to assume that this picture was a simple snapshot of The Menace in time (so, so innocent) - only I knew the horror and carnage behind it that photo. I took it myself "the next morning"....

That being said, let this be the first in my series of autobiographical journal entries, titled "It's time to talk..."

10.2.06
Last night Johnny locked me in the closet with a bowl of poppyseed muffins. I hurt my wrist. It took me 4 hours to cut through the door with a potato peeler. There was a strange odor coming from the kitchen.
Then, the phone rang. I figured it was Jose looking for work again, but as I bent down to press my ear to the speaker of the answering machine... I felt somebody watching me.

"Johnny? Why are you wearing the bunny suit? And what's with the whiskey?"
He said nothing. Just turned around and took a swig of his Bushmills as he walked towards the door.
"John? Where are you going?... Johnny?"

Yes. That was about the bulk of the conversation. I mean, I knew The Menace was a little eccentric - but, the bunny suit? I'm clueless. Why hadn't I seen it before? How many nights have I been locked in while Johnny ran-about town looking like the Easter Bunny?

Something is awry around this place. I have to figure out what's with the bunny suit and that straw basket.

I think I'll follow him next time he goes....

Evil easter

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It's time to talk

2007-09-07T20:42:00.001-05:00

It's been almost one year since I landed here at the Paddy Wagon. One whole year.

September 26th (to be exact) would be the date.
Two days after the Kansas City Chiefs ass-hammered the Seahawks into a disappointing loss.

Let's go back and reflect on how I came to be here, shall we?
Hmm.... let's see... There was a bet, for my nakedness and writing on my body (somewhere) that would read "Chiefs own this." Sorry to say, the logistics for the bet were not discussed and Scumbag ended up with a lowly middle finger and some marker.

However, little did he know that, in fact, I had already went ahead and shot that bet, with the writing as agreed to... Only before I could pay Scumbag in full... He kicked me out of the Wedding Party and I was left blogless.

Blogless. Me. Everything Nice. Blogless.

So Johnny being a humanitarian decides to pick me up from the curb that rainy day and invite me in to stay for awhile. But awhile turned into longer and soon my attention turned to introducing him to a blind date, Thanksgiving Dinner, and even a little closed door action.

Thanks John. Your caring and devotion for the downtrodden are noted. And only you and I know how far my gratitude has been tested. Indeed.

It's been a strange year here. First his disappearance, and my search... Then his short return and a lot of catching up on house cleaning and replacement of alcohol. Then his re-disappearance. And appearance. And disappearance, and appearance.

It's like a hot poker to the eye... and don't think I don't know how adequate that simile is.

For the most part I've been silent, waiting in Johnny Menaces coat-tails until I could steal away for an oyster cracker and some orange Tang. He tries to take good care of me but it never ceases to amaze me how he finds new and inventive ways to keep me focused on other things while he.... Well, never mind what he does.... Perhaps we should move on.

Since a year ago I have written many journal entries. Some of them humorous, some of them depressing - most of them bizarre. All of them brilliant. However, the most poignant ones are the ones that Johnny has locked away from me and stuck in his trophy room - between his 3rd grade sack race champion trophy, and the Golden Eagle statue that we scored together a few months ago.

But now? I have the combination to the door lock and it's time to release the documented debauchery....

Nobody really understands what it's like to live with a Menace.

To sell your soul.

Well I do. And I'll publish it here in these blog pages - and all the strange details that go with it.

And this time, Johnny, you won't be able to silence me with that chomp bit.

I'm talking.

Make my smile.... I can almost taste it but i can wait

2007-08-27T13:00:00.000-05:00

If it clicks..... Sssshhhhhhhhhh

When it keeps you up late...
Get up and pace...
don't over think.. don't let your eyes lead... or you won't feel safe..
wasting a day...instead of night...
just remember this smile... when it happens...if your able to see straight...

Gchats.......... The birds and the Bs

2007-07-18T01:10:00.001-05:00

I figured since Hunneb feels disjointed maybe this will help everyone understand why...... .......plus Bostick can actually get off to this since 50% off it are animal sounds.

*Warning: For those who won't and have never gotten it... er..... Shawn basically.. don't continue past this point.. please remain behind the line with spit sparks.... the box to your left has the ball with the bell in it so that she doesn't talk to you while you wait...

A conversation with Hunneb on gchat....

me: hoot
Huneeb: did you turn part owl on us?
me: uh .... hoot?

hoot hoot you?
Huneeb: why hoot? :)

me: hahoot hoot hoot ... and hooting huhhoots hoots :'(

Huneeb: did you just come from hooters?
me: uhmmm...neh hoot..
Huneeb: woot hoot?
me: *shurgs

if you want to

hoot
Huneeb: who hoot, you hoot?
me: oh.... no hoot hoot.. that's a hootshame
Huneeb: for who?
me: the hoot

oh..... hooooooooooooot

you don't.... you don't hooot

?
Huneeb: lol
me: hoot

Huneeb: HOOT!
me: it ok.............. hoot

nm........ hoot

or do you.. hoot hoot?
Huneeb: nm?

no more of a hooooooOOOooooot
me: why can't i hoot?

that hootdiculous

hooty hoot hoot hoooooot
Huneeb: you can hoot all you want to your little hoot's desire
me: ....... :'(

.........

hoot

Huneeb: there you go :)
me: ..... :'(

.......

hoot

Huneeb: why are you crying?
me: hoooot

wanna hoot?
Huneeb: you're in a funny mood

emotional fucker

depends on the hoo

me: hoot hoot
Huneeb: who hoots your hoot?
me: whootever hoots the hoot
Huneeb: hmm so you're not picky then?
me: your assuming everyone can hoot
Huneeb: they can't?

doesn't seem that hard...
me: depends on what your hooting for

then you can tell

hoot
Huneeb: ahh true hoot
me: hoot that
Huneeb: hooooooot

me: hooot hoot :'(

Huneeb: why you sad again?

well why?
me: hoot hoot hooot hoot .... uhm hoot hoot when hooot hooted hoot hoot hootly.. i mean hootly

and now that i hoot about it

how can a bee ever understand a bird?

Huneeb: they just can, ever seen a bugs life, it's all nature

me: no hoot....

Huneeb: who hoot, I hooted you flew the coup

me: hoot me?

Huneeb: hoot hoot

me: oh..... hoooooot..
Huneeb: how hoot hoot a hoot?
me: hootingly of course

Returning with answers...... premeditated

2007-07-03T01:13:00.000-05:00

this should explain it

but for those that don't get the answers they need from the photo above... i went ahead answered questions you had... and to be fair i included everyone even if you got your answer from the picture above....

Carl
1. uhmmmm no
2. no
3. ..... .... no ..... carl... are all these about your ass
4. yes.. you always got a shot until you get arrested.. but you might want to tell her that you've been collecting that kind of private information before....... you know what... fuck it.. it's win win either way.. trust me
6. no you can't come

Weed
1. i know me to
2. yes... shawn
3. no i would say its still honey
4. lol
6. no i don't think i would notice

Bostick
1. your mamma
2. i know that's why i'm answering these
3. i'll pass
4. sure... anything to help your drama queen needs
6. no.. no.. that's not good for me.. how about Weds?

Sullen
1. always
2. of course it still does.. it keeps on giving.. never gets old
3. weight and balance
4. word cholo.... I don't be eaten when the cook is Babylonian either
6. no you can still keep it...you might need it soon

EN
1. cock
2. i don't think they will
3. we will..
4. ........ the same 3 things
6. on the 6th floor between the silver one and the red

Shawn
1. because your paranoid...
2. why ask me that.. you already know
3. no.. you should be able to figure that one out
4. i thought you already had that one figured out.... guess not
6. i agree they are..... and yes we should.. we should have a long time ago

Hunne B
1. because i can
2. no i never have... birds are flithy creatures
3. oh... hooooot hoot hoot
4. bullshit.... then send me one
6. no... no.. no i really don't think you should.. i have to strongly advise againist it.. it could swing 2 ways.. murder or best moment of your life..

Shane
1. no i don't
2. no i'm not
3. i could
4. i'm just not into myspace that's all
6. yeah i think he will get traded

Calzone
1. the blue ones
2. do i look like a dragon
3. when would i have the time to hang with Dr. Michael Mancini
4. pledge with lemon
6. well seeing how its been 2 years since you had that abortition i would have to say.. that fake guy the bark like a dog all the time... or apostle bill..

Poetry sessions... with Johnny Menace

2007-06-13T19:45:00.000-05:00

One more again head down poppin on a handstand...

Head down pussy pussy poppin
Head down pussy pussy poppin
Head down pussy pussy poppin
Head down pussy poppin on a handstand

On a handstand
On my american banstands
Summersalts cartwheels bitch just keep on dancing
Chinese splits-splits slide on down that pole-pole
And feel this dick-dick getin outa control-trol
Oh no keep goin till nigga like me say stoooop
Let it kiss the sky and then make it droooop
Tuck and twist its your luck if you fuckin Chris
Im rubbin clits so stay in catch don’t try to duck and miss
Do your stretches don’t pull no hamstrings
You got me movin infact your doin the damn thang
Stronger muscles exersize every part your body hurts
plus you been sweatin thank god your bath and body works
I like a woman who makes her own doe don’t need a lot of help
But your heart’ll melt if I put a thousand in your garder belt
Lipgloss traces your pierced in 11 places
And your lips down town just made some familiar faces like WOAH!

Imma send a chapter to this poppin legacy
Trying to be that bitch cant no bitches fuck wit me
When I pop that cris im on that buisnes and bubbly
When im in that 6 wit 20s spinin on luxury
Cuz I got that head game
Fuckin up that bed frame
But don’t get me wrong now shawty gon’ let that led hang
Better learn that game shawty
Better get yo’ man shawty
Foe he endup tamed and be gone all in the brain shawty
This here be futuristic
This business so explicit
The way I brake it down for you bitches is so exquisite
Let it go now front (front) back (back) watch me drop it like that
Show me where that money at
Boy come wit them 100 stacks
Now break in wit that pussy poppin
That pussy droppin to the floe
And got these niggas slobbin he wantin moe
Wit out that doe popi aint nuttin happen
Cuz that’s fo show im from the go u get that pussy poppin
Stopin that pussy dropin GONE

Every time we hit the club
We at least 50 deep
Smoking purple coat and grichi got everybody keed
At the club 7 days a week find DTP off in this bitch
That hoe poppin dropin god damn shawty who is this
Redbone wit a scorpio tatted on her tummy
Im sittin slouched back in the chair stuntin waving money
And shawty start zig zaggin a dariair for me
Up her pussy shorty pushed in a whole bottle or moe
Reached in my pocket grabbed a G and then threw it on the floe
Here u deserve this doe now jump on stage and work the pole
Face down up ass up hands on those
Now pop that coochie you know the procedure
If you want this cash gotta make that ass shake like a seizure
Either magic or pleasas
Find me spending cheese up
Maxin out my visa
Trickin on strip teasers

*dial tone

2007-06-08T15:57:00.000-05:00

Dear John..... The end of the trail

2007-04-20T16:03:00.001-05:00

*Checks bag

So my bread crust trail just ended... and me bewildered.

*puts hands on hips

Seems Johnny Menace has lost himself again and there's no way I'm going to find him now. I'm stumped... And apparently so is Carl because he was sure to cast his vote for "putting this blog out of it's misery".

But is there misery? I mean really, look inside yourself.

I know Shawn and Shane won't miss him because they're couple skate partners now - three is a crowd
.
I know PBC won't miss him because PBC is in prison on an attempted murder charge. PBC misses nothing else than what his asshole used to be I'm certain.

I know Bostick won't miss him... but... shit ...Bostick may.

I know Carl won't miss him because Carl is a good husband.

I may miss him. But only because all you fags got so pissy about the fact you thought I was fucking him - and it was hilarious to watch. And personally, I've come to think that's because you were all jealous at the potential.... fags.

Anyway, there's not much I can do here besides pack shit up and think about draping canvas over the furniture hoping some day the Menace will find his way back here safely - again. I'll pay an occasional visit when I can to water the plants and drink Patron near the fire pit for a spell. Although I refuse to buy my own bottle, I'll just drink what's left here.

Oh, and before I go.

A little sentimentality of my own...

Last one out turns out the lights.

Dear John.. ..Digesting the crumbs

2007-04-20T16:02:00.000-05:00

Dear Menace,

Late last night while I was feeding the sharks, I became engrossed in celebration over the almost translated breadcrumbs -- but then something bizarre and unexpected happened.

You were right... they don't want me to follow.

I could only leave a tendril of a message for you in the peripheral of your current vision. You will know it when you see it... If you translate if co.rrectly you will find it's message quite clear.

It's more than a premonition. It's a steadfast bullet into the future. But when?

I have to go now Johnny... there's a red wolf at the door.....

and I am holding at 11.2% evaporation.

Dear John .... Counting the Crumbs

2007-04-15T21:35:00.000-05:00

Dear Johnny,

It's been a cold April.
You forgot to pay the power before you disappeared again.

And it's not about you going out for cigarettes...
because you don't smoke Johnny.

Are you some strange introverted sociopathic super hero?
Perhaps you "unplug" like they do in the Matrix.

If so, when I find you can you teach me how to zero-gravity-ultra-slomo fuck?
That would be really intense and could be a nice addition to my resume.

However it is you leave, you're really good about
staying lost - for a long time.

Many will celebrate your disappearance
But my celebration will be black.

(That's the only color midget they had)

But I think I can find you.
....

I collected your breadcrumbs lovingly in little ziplock baggies and made notes on every one before I back combed the area with my black light for the next one.

Please pardon the flashlight glare on the pages. It would have been a better snapshot if I had overhead light of any kind. Or at least D batteries for the camping lamp.

I have a feeling that until I can glue the crumbs together and bring you your sandwich... You will stay far far away and not know how to come home.

I had better get started before you end.

Everything Nice

PS - You better not be lost somewhere warm... Or I'll be pissed!

Bread crumbs...... the last one..

2007-04-08T07:49:00.000-05:00

Here it is... in your hand.. have it with some wine.. savor it.. for it is the last..

You have all you need... to find me... and you will once you put together the crumbs.. starting with

The bread crumb songs ...hullaballo to the last one

once you have that... you'll have one last crumb to piece it all.. and then you find the co.pamy you seek..

the final one.. steals my oxygen.. my kind of sunday song...

Excerpts from "I think your brillant"...... July 16th '06

2007-04-01T08:48:00.000-05:00

Random partial excerts put together in chronological order from the longest chain letter written.. Who's it with.. well that i can't say.. maybe you'll figure it out.. This post covers and exchange from July 16th.. and Enjoy.

==========================

7.16.06

Silence is underated... and unappericated.. that's probably why its so morbid. and No .. dairy products with being stoned.. I wouldn't agree with you..
no boundaries.... and here i thought that cost extra.... well then lets keep pushing I'm rooting for animal attack
ok Julia Bond and Taylor hayes..... but can we dub Taylor Hayes with Brianna Banks voice?

So now its pryo fustration... or is it sexual fustration and you just want to burn something... and does the burning it, explosion, or me blowing my load cure your pyro-sexual frustration
and can i point out how obvious a van is when it comes to kidnapping.. That screams "pull me over, I have hooters waitress gagged in the back and an expired regestration"

Who said anything about shocking... ... so the odds are againist me.. and your betting againist me....seems almost hollywoodesc. i like this sceranio.. just as much as i like the scenario of you on your knees.

Please don't peer in the body bag unless you speak latin,
Menace

P.S. i wanted to start a post script
P.S.S. is it p.p.s or p.s.s

Menace,

what an absolute pleaseure to see you in my box on a weekend. I do admit I was a little tickleed to see a response from you, I thought for certain I would have to wait 3 days, or atleast until Monday.

animal attack you hope? i was leaning towards asphixiation.... or sexual implosion... at this rate it's entirely possible. Which animal are you?

sure, a van screams kidnapping I know this. but does a mini van do the same?

no, shocking hmmm... i am betting against you, from the opposing corner and only because... well, we won't go there. and the odds are clearly against me now since I continue to work on uncovering the pieces and putting them together... i should get an A for effort though expectations are overrated.

me on my knees? yes, but I have to ask... is it in front of you or the hooters waitress... would you feed it to me... or would I have to take it? they are simple questions that I am sure you will scatter amongst the next two emails.

Surcomer

P.S. there's a reason for this post script because
P.P.S I have no idea why you wanted to start one
P.P.S. interesting, what will we do? or did you say already?
P.P.P.S i believe it's ppps, or else it sounds like somebody taking a leak on a campfire instead of a stutter.

Tickleed pleasure box,

You get an I for insanity and an A for well ... something else .... you

...but as far as my name I've already put it out there.. i'll probably slide it in again.. but will you notice.. and your right eric doesn't appericate.... phone number is out there two.. well at least all the numbers... but there has been so many numbers between us.. i think the hidden messages are getting muddy.. maybe we should refresh.

Animal attack.. of course.. for the same reason your leaning towards asphixiation or the implosion...

a mini van.. i'll have to think about this..

if your betting on me.. then the odds are in your favor because it is a stated fact that you do not bet when the odds are not in your favor.. expectations should be overrated..

you on your knees.... hmmmm.. you want to get the waitress involved.. and here i only wanted to kidnapp her...

Menace

P.S. I'm done with post script how about you?
P.S.S. so your trying to tell me you live IL with hidden phone number?

Touch the machine Johnny. Do it......

I think we're on Korea by now... perhaps it was the animal attacks that have me stuck on that choice.

Do you really want me to elaborate on the third party theory? I may implode a bit just long enough to be direct... but then if I did that, would you run and leave me in silence.... It's a fear.... morbidity. And then I could roll the dice and just say it and hear you applaud or reject the scenario. Hmmm, how are the odds I wonder?

First untie me.. then i might touch the machine.

Korea? and here i thought we both wanted a little rush.. that's all a little blood rush..flushed skin before the happy ending.. that is if the ending is happy... the ending is typicallly met with silence and silence according to you is morbid soo the ending will probably be morbid.... ... good thing i have the foresight to see this coming

i think a mini-van would make me wince.

An entire theory own third parties.. well i'm not going to tell you the odds.. your going to have to determine the odds yourself and then decide if you want to roll the dice or not... i hope its worth the risk.

are you trying to draw me out of the corner or into your corner.. let's take a glance here... oh and you scrambled them...i'm going with ??? area code for now... maybe the first words will just be what's in my bag...

don't have sex on your mind..... want it?

2007-03-28T23:35:00.000-05:00

This will either get you started.. get you there... or cause you to look for porn to make up for the time you think was wasted... or if your bostick... animal pictures.. or a picture of carl's pighorian body..

Bread crumbs......... the best of ..

2007-03-26T09:41:00.000-05:00

If you are truely on the right path .... this should set you apart from the wolf pack... while the others keep searching in the snow..

For those of you stuck in the snow.... just enjoy the fact that this video proves PBC is alive and healthy... and working hard to be the next american idol...

The Character's glance...... a last look to light

2007-03-21T00:01:00.000-05:00

Bread crumbs...... past the halfway point

2007-03-16T19:08:00.000-05:00

.... this map i leave ..
is another piece to the answer...
has the fog begin to lift..
or are you finding yourself surround by it...

please explain to Bostick.. i'm sorry that i have to use this video of him... i know he emailed to me with the same trust that i emailed him about working at TGIF... but it is something i must leave behind in order to be found...

maybe one day someone will bring it back to me..

Bread crumbs...... ignore the voices

2007-03-14T10:44:00.000-05:00

I know you are searching....

only you can find me...
only you know where to look...
only you have been there...

others will try to help.. don't listen.. they don't want you to get lost with me...

........ your third map

Breads crumbs..... spelling it out for you

2007-03-12T11:43:00.000-05:00

I think your making progress on that first map.... its time to give you the 2nd.. let me know when your ready for another

Breads crumbs..... hullabaloo

2007-03-02T14:01:00.000-06:00

....... ..... thought you could use a map for your journey.... this was 1 of my 6.. i'll look for the rest when you get the first figured out...

Bread crumbs...

2007-02-02T22:03:00.000-06:00

Menacing Mission: Week 4

2007-01-31T20:33:00.000-06:00

So I arrive safely in the state of Maine with nothing but $5 and the "will" to find Calzone.
Not that you really need a will to find Calzone... rather you should HAVE a will made before you DO find Calzone.

The flight was a little bumpy due to turbulence, but was still quite a bit more comfortable than the last few weeks of Truckin' road trips with psycho long-haulers that I'd had. I was able to sleep without one eye open and duct tape on the fly of my jeans. Though I still smelt a bit odd from pissing myself and the rotting Calzone in my carry-on.

I hailed a quick taxi and brushed up on my bastard punjabian speaking skills, hoping he knew where to find "Mr. Calzones" house... It was clear after an hour of driving that we were nowhere near any convenient destination so I grabbed the (still) leaking and volatile Calzone out of my backpack and shoved it over the seat near his face.

I could see my attempts at "visual communications" were not appreciated as he spat at me throughout his foreign profanities and dropped me at Perry's Nuthouse in Greenville.

But ooooo Perry's Nuthouse was indeed a gem and I was not too upset to be stranded in such a wonderful assortment of taxidermied animals and the "Man Killer Clam" exhibit.

I meandered through the mess in awe at the intricate way each item in particular was preserved. I did happen to pet a few that I was particularly fond of...

And stuffed the, well, stuffed squirrel in my purse in case I happened to bump into Bostick on my journeys. I also grabbed a yak for Carl... and dragged it out on a leash as if to trick the owner "Perry"... who was not tricked, but instead treated at my methods of kleptomania.

Perry himself seemed an okay guy. We sipped a Gin and Sprite as we discussed the "101 ways to stuff your fist up the asshole of roadkill"... Charming conversationalist that Perry, almost had me convinced that he could fist enough cotton up my ass to qualify me as a Cabbage Patch Doll.

I, of course, was more interested in the topic of stuffing anything up somebody elses ass....Which took us to Road kill Cafe after his museum closed for a nice candlelit dinner over O-rings and Chicken Knuckles.

I got drunk off of Possums blood while watching him snort the ashes of dead elk between the main course and dessert... Dude did at least 7 lines and bogarted it all. Ass.

We were good for a quick round of Karaoke before we jolted into the night singing Frank Sinatra ditties bound for Scarborough where Perry mentioned he knew Calzone and would be more than happy to take me to him for a deal.

"Oh yeah, I've been stuffing Calzone for years... HUGE sphincter that one, and never too tight. In payment for my delivery services I'll gladly take your fingernails."

"Excuse me? Did you say you wanted my fingernails?"
"Yes, your fingernails. I will take you to Calzone for the price of your fingernails."
"... Well how do you suppose I give you those Perry? I'm sort of attached to them at this point."
"Calzone has ways of removing them. Is it a deal? I want to put them in my museum next to Marilyns implants."

I thought long and hard over how important my fingernails would be to me in the future, and if the importance of finding Johnny Menace dictated a sacrifice such as this...

"How about just a thumb?"
"No, the full set."
"Shit, can I keep my toe nails?"
"Yes."
"Well alright then, I'm sold... Let's go to Scarborough."

We arrived in Scarborough in about 2 hours... It was dawn and the sunrise was spectacular. Of course I was focused on how to wiggle out of my bloody fingernail sacrifice, but found myself in awe of the pinks and golds of the sunrise as they crested from the Atlantic Ocean.

Perry slammed on the brakes abruptly outside of a candy shop called "Len Libby's Candies". His face showed a rambunctious excitement, so I figured this is where Calzone lived and Perry was one step closer to getting my digit clicks. As we approached the front door of the shop I noticed it was dark still and not open for business.

"Perry, what are we doing here? Is this where Calzone lives?"
"No ma'am, this is where we find cinnamon bears..."
"Cinnamon bears? We need cinnamon bears before we can see Calzone?
"Nope. I just like me some cinnamon bears."

To make a long story short we busted into Len Libbys for a 5 gallon barrel of cinnamon bears (for Perry), and 17 Mongo size chocolate bars (for me). But this mission did not go flawlessly, noooo... It went badly... and all at the cost of a fucking Moose named Len.

Made completely out of chocolate.
Fuck the bars. I'm taking a horn, or maybe two...
Hmm... is there a penis on this thing made of chocolate?
Holy fuck there is.
Moose horns and penis... made of chocolate. I'm owning this.

Perry, who was not as amazed at this discovery as I was, began to get restless at the longevity of the break-in plan. His way of rushing me to finish with my Moose d'cotuer was to come at me with a ice pick made of lemon drops and a 10 ft licorice rope with the intention of tying me to the front counter and having me take the case for the robbery.

In my defense, I beat Perry in the head with my chocolate moose penis until he was deemed unconscious and stuck a jumbo lollipop up his ass... I think I killed him, but no matter... I could now keep my fingernails.

Around 10:am I finally arrived at Calzone's pad. Which to me looked a little bit eclectic... but what do you expect from a Dragon Puppet that plays pool, screws hookers for hobby and jacks peoples 8-balls for fun? We rang the door bell, which may I add rang to the tune of "Girl from Impanema."

Calzone answered in his velvet smoking jacket clutching a cigar and a copy of "Eat Ass" magazine:
"Yo Everything Nice, what's crackin' pin cushion?"

I smiled with a warm welcome and hugged that puppet like I was his bitch "Calzone, I traveled all this way because I was left a clue that perhaps I could find Johnny Menace here..."

I opened my back pack, shoved the chocolate constructed moose penis to the side and removed the smelly Calzone to show... Calzone.

"Whoo Whoo hooch, you don't need to show me nothin' like that stank. I hadn't peeped that dilly in the longest. Actually, since I cleaned the Paddy Wagon pad of it's dope that night back in... shit when was that?" Calzone thought for a moment and coughed up a hairball. "Oh thas right, back in like September."

"So no sign of Johnny Menace here?" I pouted a bit. Seeing that my assessment of Johnny's note was nothing more than a prank.

"Naw.. wait.." Calzone pendered "You mean you didn't come here to fuck me?"

"No.. how the hell do I fuck a puppet? You have no dick Calzone, you do know that... right?"

"Well fuck that noise slut. I'm outie." And with that... Calzone slammed the door in my face and I was left to sit on the front steps with my hand in my chin.

I sat there for a good hour until the door flung open and Calzone pitched a jizz balloon at the back of my head. "Sayin' I aint got no dick dilly?" He screamed "Well take that jizzim shizzim!"

After rubbing the back of my head and tasting the semen that sprayed from the breaking balloon, it was determined that it was actually horse semen, not his own... and I let him know that while I took a shit on his front porch and smeared the rotting Calzone on the hood of his Plymouth Valiant.

On my way out of the yard I saw something written in chalk on the sidewalk. I could barely make it out, but the handwriting seemed familiar.... It read "999 is black death, but 666 is the sign."

So that's how it works then, huh Johnny... I have to see the Devil next, is that it?
Is it that now you and White Devil have both mysteriously disappeared and it is NOT coincidence?
And if I go to White Devil I will somehow find you?
And how the fuck did Calzone play into this?
Was it necessary to be hit in the head with a water balloon of cum before the next step?

Perhaps I should not wash my hair then.. maybe if I step under black light a secret message will appear in it on where to go next?
And maybe it will be written in pagan so only White Devil can interpret it?

Fuck.
I gnawed on one of my chocolate moose horns and withdrew the cash I'd robbed from Len Libby's Candy store as I made my way back to the airport to catch a flight to Maryland and find the mysterious (and often lost) White Devil.

****

The flight from Maine to Maryland was not long, and I found the directions to White Devils domain to be quite clear though the phone conversation with him was anything but. God love white devil.

I appreciated the Devil taking me under his wing for a short time while I searched for Menace around Maryland, and Devil appreciated somebody being there for the chicken skinning and tribal goat legging preparations for the cult seminar and chastity sacrifice this weekend.

It was only a walk to his house from the airport, and one that took me by way of Edgar Allen Poe's Grave site... I stopped for a moment and sucked on the remnants of my moose horn. Poe will always hit a string with me... a deep sentimental one.

I remember faintly when Menace would get upset with me when I would ask for him to read Poe to me before bed time. He would punish me by dunking my head in the shark tank after sticking Reeces Pieces in my nostrils and make me do penance for every time Poe mentions the Raven in text. Then he would spank me with a coat hanger made of barb wire.

Those were good times. I still have the scar on my ear.

The screeching of tires stopped this tender moment in my memory.
As I turned my head to witness the dark figure climbing from the motorcycle, the outline of his shadow was daunting and a bit intimidating... The helmet came off to reveal a smile and the tattoo on his arm was eerily familiar... It was the Devil, and it was time to begin the hard search for the Menace - now.

I ran up to meet him on the street corner and normal conversation "devil-style" ensued:

"Manbutter! So good to see you up close and in person! Thank you for allowing me to stay here for a few days to search for Johnny."
"Ahh, sweet Em, yes, we will trip the light and dive into the dark to find his soul... and then we will eat it and bathe in his afterbirth."
"Sounds like a plan..."
"Sounds like lunch."
"Right, well I am excited to begin our trek around the state... I'm sure if we find Menace he will appreciate it as well.."
"Durr, well he found me when I was lost. And then again."
"So where do we start?" I pulled the chocolate moose penis from my pack "Any ideas on where to look?"
"We will start at the beginning and end at death."

So what does that mean?
Well, it means to travel directly to Annapolis and break into the Nuclear Science building to rub Hyman Rickover's nose for good luck. After being kicked out by security I reported to the Devil that in fact I did make contact with the nose and it was only a matter of time before luck would be upon us.

"Oh" the devil moped "It's a nose... It's not a hymen then? It's a nose..."
"I'm sorry you are disappointed, I have let you down. Well, I could offer you my hymen.. but.."
"Hahaha... I am afraid your hymen is long gone Emma my sweet..."
"No, actually it's here in this masonry jar I keep in my backpack..."

"Ah durr" the devil looked a bit stunned as I pulled the jar from my bag "We must now go to the Urology Museum in Baltimore. Your hymen has stimulated my imagination for our search. I wonder if the Menace is there... either there, or the Great Blacks in Wax... That will be a sure thing. We will then have hot dogs and shower together in pig urine..."

"Well alright then, let's get this show on the road.. oh here, take my hymen first."

And with that we began our drive to Baltimore, where the search got silly... and a bit messy thanks to a broken jar, and a bag of beef jerky.. and of course, the hallmark channel.

Stay tuned....

Menacing Mission: Week 3

2007-01-24T22:18:00.000-06:00

Fuck Texas. That's all I have to say.

Simply because it's snowing in Texas too.

Yep, it's just my fucking luck that my good friend the truck driver (mentioned in the last post) threw me out at the Fort Hood security check-stop before high-tailing it off into the night and leaving me for dead.

I pissed myself again, not so much for warmth but this time for entertainment value.

So I guess there was no making it to Crystal City, TX after all... I felt heartbroken... Especially after I had purchased that Olive Oil costume back in Burleson and been rehearsing "He Needs Me" for the past three days....

We won't focus on Why I was kicked out.

I mean, I figure maybe it had something to do with the stunt I pulled back at the Toilet Seat Museum in San Antonio (even though I promised never to do it again).

Or, maybe it was my navigational short comings. I mean I had NO idea the map was upside down and as far as I knew the city names were in spanish.... so we were driving South.. sure, by my standards... which was actually North.... For about 14 hours.

Anyway, here I was stranded at Fort Hood contemplating joining the Army.
After much thought I settled on taking the more "conservative" route.... Yes, slutting myself back on the interstate for another truck ride East... Only this time my trucker companion had issues, clearly:

"Wher ya headin?"
"East, you?"
"East to Louisiana, yep. Climb in."

Now I don't care to elaborate..... but what I will mention was the cous-cous on the propane tank in the back of the truck cab and the carvings in the dashboard.

"you retarded er su'tin?"
"Not as far as you know, why?"
"It looks like you pissed yer pants... only retards do that ther."
"Ahh. So do freezing survivalists."
"Ya but, don't it freeze to ya?"
"Eventually, but it's a slow process... like reading is to you.. I'm sure."

Over time the new truck driver and I formed a bond - borderline Hallmark material I assure you. Nothing like chewing Skoal and swapping sociopathic tendencies to bring a pair of strangers closer together.

We arrived in Angola, LA a little quicker than either of us planned, thanks to my recipe for sleepy potatoes and my urgent lead foot. Once there, my confused truck driver friend convinced me into stopping long enough to check out a couple hours of "Convict Poker," which seemed silly to me but completely entertaining.

What is "Convict Poker" you ask? Well, it's when four jailbirds sit around a card table playing a hand while a bull charges and attempts to gore them.

That's right. Gore them. Ha. Poker face. Ha. Get it? Fuck.

The next two days we covered the bulk of the good state and I was given the boot and $200 to catch a bus out of Sabine Parish and head North into Arkansas.

Which can I just say is home to one (of many) double decker outhouses.

Yep. It's a charming little side stop where apparently the terms "so-and-so shit on me" or the proverbial "Are you shitting me?" and "Don't be a shit head" originated.

Interesting yes, distracting.. uh-huh. But as I got back on the bus to head into Kentucky I realized that it had been over a month and still no Menace sightings (except for the grilled cheese)... still no clues... still no hints.

Perhaps I had lost the trail. Perhaps he is dead. Perhaps... he's trying to do that rubicks cube thing with a blindfold on.. or for chrissakes playing Sudoku.... with Taylor Hayes.

Well fuck. He could be gone forever then.

So I paid a little more attention in Kentucky which (again) I figured was a "sure thing" type of place to find Johnny....

I mean, KY? Yes, and in my memory I can hear him say "EN that's pig lard."

Yeah so I sped to check things off of my KY Task List.

1. I climbed in the largest Bourbon barrel in the world (Bardstown, KY). Not there.

2. Stared deeply into the Mysterious face in the window in Lexington... Not him.

3. Walked into Colonel Sanders Cafe and called all the waitresses chicken. He wasn't there.

4. Looked in the dark corners of the Hairball and Animal Freak museum in Covington. Nope.

5. Baasked in the sunshine at the Goat Church in Dundee. Almost thought for a minute there... but, no. I did get a little horny just hanging around though.

6. Walked aimlessly around Big Beaver Lick and seemed to lose direction at Big Bone Lick State Park. Johnny still no where to be found. But I'm still horny.

7. Asked the Bourbon Fudge Monks to pray for my direction and my libido.

10. Stopped for a game of Mini Golf at Golgotha Bible & Golf. Snapped a picture of the nice lady that drove me to Kaelin's (Home of the Cheeseburger) - Where something unexpected happened.

I'm sitting at the bar portion of the Diner when the guy sitting next to me mentions something about church on Sunday and believing in the Lords word... When I say:

"Listen dude, if you have a problem with my black face and my I hate jesus t-shirt why don't you just come out and say it?"
When the waitress approaches me and asks "Say honey, what did one snow man say to the other?"
I replied "Smells like carrots?"

Her eyes grew big and she winked at me... she then proceeded to pull a small cardboard box out from under the counter and placed it in front of me. Apprehensively I pulled the twine string apart and began to open it slowly... I noticed a pungent odor emitting from the box that only grew stronger as I pulled the small post card from the top of what was inside. It read:

"EN.
I was always fond of that shirt."

Placing the card to the side and looking cautiously around the diner, I lifted the smelly seeping item out of the box, placed it on the counter and began to peel away the tissue paper that surrounded it.

The asshat sitting next to me looked on in disgust at my crooked grin, and I continued to unfold.

Within moments, the item was in my sight and it all became quite clear what my next move should be. My bar neighbor became disturbed and chortled as he threw up a little in his mouth:

"What in sam hell is THAT?"
"Well... Sir... I'd say that... Is a Calzone."

I slid the box to my neighbor, stuffed the post card in my pants, robbed the register for about $300 and taxi'd to the airport for a trip North East... way North East.... into Maine.

Stay tuned.....

Menacing Mission: Week 2

2007-01-18T20:27:00.000-06:00

Alright so after my short stop in Oklahoma I continued to head south into Texas with a band of circus midgets who specialize in human juxta-contortion... It was a bizarre trip to say the least and I admit that after the first 24 hours I grew tired of their querky ideas of entertainment... such as their spectacular "reach-around pyramid" or "the change maker."

Somewhere around North Texas/Southern Oklahoma I fell out of the truck. Despondant and shivering I bucked up and thumb-hitched along the ice-infested interstate... using only my own piss and shit to stay warm. I was thankful for my bodily fluids, and that I had not shaved my legs (or anything else for that matter) in about a month...

I honestly believe I would not have survived the cold had it not been for the abundance of body hair.

moving on. Texas is a huge state, which is probably why it's taken me a week and a half to search through it. I thought for certain this place was the key to finding Johnny... It's just a matter of which prison to hit first?

In between congecal visits and conning meals I found a truck driver who was heading south to Crystal City, TX and wondered if I'd like to go along.

"What ya travelin' fer sweet stuff."
"I'm searching for my friend... Johnny Menace."
The driver looked startled "Johnny Menace you don't say..."
"You know Johnny? Have you seen him lately?"
"Naw hun, but I've herd of him. He's sorta a legend to us truckers."

He evaded my prying but it was finally surfaced that he had spotted someone he thought was Menace at a truckstop in Paris, TX when his grilled cheese went missing and all was left was a note from "JM" that read "I needed to stick my cock in this."

To make a long story short we stayed the course for 4 days and as we went he'd stop for me at the best landmarks to look for someone like Johnny at... First one being Cadillac Ranch.

Legend apparently had it that Menace hides away in the sixth cadillac (in the chain) sipping Patron and writing pornographic Dr. Suess.... "Nawbady ever bothers the little bugger, reckon he just wants ter sit."

Well I climbed in and out of that Cadillac... took DNA Samples and then decided Austin was the next best place to focus on. Well atleast I tried to stay focused on my mission..... but found myself strangely distracted at two very enlightening "hot spots."

The first being in Waxahatchie, TX at the Ellis County courthouses Unrequited Love Carvings... The man outside was passing out little baggies of 'x' and urging you to enjoy the walk around the courthouse following the progression of phallicy that imbeds itself into the courthouse walls. I paid a group of schoolkids to go steal the 'x' baggies and stocked my pockets with enough blue pills to get me through the Mid-western states.
Then I took the tour 15 times.

Second distraction? Oooo... that was "Smut Putt" mini-golf. Can't imagine why? The flyer clearly stated nudity.... and shiny things.... had to go...

"An oustanding amalgamation of surrealism with a hillbilly twist, or what owner Scott Stevens calls "Smut Putt". A giant cactus garden decorated with crutches, mannequin and doll heads on sticks, sculpture, toys large and small, and lots of cactus. Bottle trees and a giant papershell pecan tree loaded with baby dolls and spinning CDs that produce a beautiful mirror ball effect round out this premiere roadside attraction.

Yep. and I'll let you know it meant nothing that I popped atleast 12 tabs of exstacy before I played that night... it was, well.... hmmm.

Moving on.
I can easily say that after scouring Austin for a day and a half there was no sign of Menace. I was becoming discouraged and continuing to text all those fags back at home worried about Johnny... Scumbag was the most upset. I could see him sitting there in his trailer with tears streaming down his cheeks. I tried my best to console him but it was clear his heart was broken:

shane i have not found him yet
do u really think hes dead emma
i am trying to have hope
im so depressed i cant blog anymore
no shane say it isnt so!
i m sorry emma i just cant
SHANE NOOOOOOO!!!

and the wedding party was gone... just like that.

I hope you're somewhere reading this Johnny and that you understand what your disappearance has done to poor fragile souls like Scumbag. First he questions his manhood.... and now this... you gone... Im not sure he'll ever be the same.

In fact, let's all have a moment for Shane before we move on... and maybe a candlelight prayer vigil for Menace and his safe return before we continue the journey through the Lone Star state.... Yes, and while you do that I'll play more smut putt.

please bow your heads.

Menacing Mission: Week 1

2007-01-09T22:07:00.000-06:00

So after meeting Satan in Lewiston, ID for pancakes I traveled south-east and down through Utah, then Kansas... smack dab into Oklahoma...

all in pursuit of finding Johnny Menace.

I was certain I would find him somewhere in Utah making anatomically correct paper dollies with the special ed Mormons in Provo... or slathered in Zebras at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo in Colorado.

Nope, no dice. Sorry folks.

What I did find were these other really cool and fascinating things that made me think I could get seriously distracted on this journey and never return home.

And not returning home might not be so bad... since rents due and I'm broke... and the landlord keeps using my body in disgusting ways already...

and he tells me as he hits me that "Johnny never complained..."

I'll have to sleep with his wife if I don't come back with money for rent... and his 13 year old son too. Probably at the same time while I pet his schnauzer "Frank" and max out on 40 tabs of extasy just to keep rolling with the punches...

"Why can't you be more like Johnny..." he'll yell at me.. I just know it. That fucking landlord bastard.

....

Anyway, where was I? Oh, other interesting things... right. Okay.

First, Chief Baconrind. Welcome to Skedee. Right, where am I?

"...I will build for them a landmark

That the coming race may see

All the beauties of the friendship

That exists 'tween them and me...."

That's right. Tonto Baconrind and Col. C. Walters shook hands that day and decided "friendship was best put your injuns to the test." So.. Col. Walters put in a Walmart and sent most of the good Indian women to adorn terrible blue vests and wear hair-nets when working the snack bar.

Meanwhile good ol' Chief Baconrind got kickbacks from the Walmart and had his choice of the best of everything... yep.... to pork any single white woman under "birthin' age" in Skedee Oklahoma... AND he was awarded a beautiful homestead to keep these preteen puppets... a 5 bedroom home....

Baconrind felt the home was not as charming as the tee-pee he pitched in his yard so long ago- before the white man brought him down.
So he slept in that instead..... or so we thought...

Because even though the home was a bit much for the modest man... Baconrind was only using that as a great excuse to cover up the fact that he had a grow operation of Artichokes and Soy Beans inside.. to cope with his addictive veganism issue.

Chief Baconrind was hung.

The Walmart prospered.

Baconrind Jr. began a cross-pollination growth experience by combining soy and marijuana by elecrotherapy hydroponics and cooking oil.

Col. Walters Jr. bought it in bulk and sold it to residents in Tulsa...

There you go, a little history for you.

My Menacing Mission

2007-01-02T19:48:00.000-06:00

"Where the hell is Johnny Menace?"

Honestly.
I don't know.

Yep even his "roomie" has no idea where he's run of to - he didn't leave a trace.

I know I shouldn't be worried because we both have a tendency to be 'flighty'... but really, it's been a while since he disappeared and the place here is strangely quiet without him pacing the shark tank.

What hasn't been so quiet is the gossip, and believe me the list of rumors is long... 47 to be precise. All of them are worthy of mentioning... but I think I'll share some here that I found 'tickled' me in a special place.

1. He got his head stuck somewhere up Gary Colemans ass.

2. He OD'd on Patron, pissed himself and forgot who he was.

3. He went to Boys Town for the donkey show and fell in love with the main attraction.

4. He met with an untimely and inappropriate animal attack, lost his penis in the struggle, and is undergoing a specialty "swedish addition" in a hospital near you.

5. He's in my trunk chewing on a gag-ball and humming some Deftones - and has been since the Scumbag '08 campaign Hasselhoff rebuttle.

6. His house was caught by a Tornado and flung to Kansas where it landed on top of PBC and Anna's trailer... and PBC shot him.

7. He's joined the priesthood to 'save' me. (Ok that one I am particularly fond of)

8. He's eloped to Vegas to marry Shelly and take some time getting to know his new step-son, Shawn.

9. He and Anonymous ran away to make $900 a day doing something they enjoy - selling penis enhancers and ginko for memory issues.

10. Johnny Menace was really James Brown.

Regardless of why and how, what is important now is to find our good friend Johnny Menace and bring him back home. Like he's done for us when we've been lost... right White Devil?

I mean, let's be serious here... How do we know he hasn't been kidnapped and is being held hostage by some disgruntled Porn workers/mudwrestling Labor Union for unpaid services rendered?
Or being skull-fucked by some sick serial cannibal that is freezing his kidneys for next weeks pate'...
or worse... jail?

Nah, I have to find him. So I've decided to begin a search.
In Johnny's honor. Done Johnny's way.

Until Johnny is found.

I've bought a shit load of plane tickets.
My bags are packed.
It's a good thing I don't wear underwear often or this bag would be much heavier.

No worries people, I will chronicle my search as I go.

The ups, the downs, the ups.. the downs... and well, the ups....
Okay well I'll only chronicle until I find him and then well... that may have to be a short story or something.

I hope to have him back in time for the Seahawks/Cowboys game. Because Seattle is going to win - I just know it.

And I need to rub it in his face.... ffoorreevvveeerrrr.

Wish me luck and pray that Johnny returns safe... and with all eleven fingers.

Where's the fat kid.... i've been tagged.

2006-12-12T09:55:00.000-06:00

I've haven't been one to shy away from these tag things... all you have to do is ask.. so lets thank allie for this post... 6 weird things about myself... so i thought.. why bore you with what i think is weird.. its all perspective... i might think its weird that i arrange my pillows in the formation of shawn's mom when i... well lets not go to deep... and see.. shawn.. wouldn't see that as weird .. just an everyday thing he does.....

or i might not even consider something as weird...... like the time Haley Ferrell was jerking me off during her theater arts class behind the stack of tables.. and then thought she heard something and stopped... and fucking stopped... you know Haley if you stopped because i said blow me like your sister.. you could of just said so.. i was trying to light a competitive fire in your mouth... your sister didn't need anyone to light it for her... ...yes.. and that's why i cummed in your hair before you went on as Sandy Olsson.... at least the audience knew what kind of summer lovin her and danny had...... ..... hmmmm..... ok... what was the point... i was trying to make... ........ .................. oh... that's right... its all perspective.......

luckly their are people who know me well enough to give me and outside perspective on how i'm weird... so listed below is a list weird things about thanks to bostick, shawn, EN, and hunne b .... ..

Bostick's list

1 – You blog with the smallest font known to man so you must have super human vision.

2 – If you do too many shots you will puke on your tits.

3 – In the future you are going to fuck spitfire. I have been pretending I am you in her gabbly chat. She orgasmed 4 times in a row. Just fyi.

4 – You pretend to like beer but really prefer zima

5 – Two years ago you adopted a little nigger boy but gave him back because he was lazy and kept stealing the change out of your neighbors truck to buy strawberry nehi

6 – Once when you were 13 you sniffed your cousins bicycle seat. I wont tell anyone…

7 – Your mom found a hustler magazine between your mattresses and threw that shit away. You were embarrassed and pissed.

8 – When you eat chicken wings you go through too many fucking napkins.

9 – You were arrested for doing the lamb dance outside of the huddle House after the bar closed. Place was packed..

10 – You fucked a Mexican girl once.

Shawn's list

1. well first you're a fag.

2. and second you're a fag.

3. Third... still fag.

4. Fourth you like head bands, which is faggish.

5. Fifth you want to be my boyfriend forever which makes you a fag.

6. Sixth You want to fuck my retarded mother while looking at me which makes you... a fag.

EN's list

1. How about one of your six being that you like to walk around downtown at night and watch the homeless people with tourettes. Specifically the old lady with the empty luggage?

2. When you are at the mall you throw pennies at small children, and aim for their foreheads (for sport)... but you always shower first before you go out or you feel your aim just wont be quite right.

3. You get a hard on when I run red lights. There you go, there's three... enjoy.

Hunne B's list

1. You ask too many fucking questions but never answer one

2. You play a lot of cat and mouse (not so weird but a little annoying)

3. You like to cut up people's undies

4. You're from Texas and you don't have an accent

5. You kiss Scum's ass all the time... I think that makes you gay, he thinks you're silly

6. You have your own emergency broadcast line

7. You wear funny floral shirts

8. You have a weird fascination for bread sticks

9. You're a white boy who drinks patron...does that make you weird or a lush?

10. You cried when I sunk your battleship

11. You REALLY like goats

I'm not tagging anyone... if you want to continue the game.. then you'll have to come to me and get yourself tagged...

A Premonition continued....... i find it fitting in so many ways

2006-12-06T00:27:00.000-06:00

T-day part ii

2006-12-01T06:52:00.000-06:00

Mother Menace: Oh dear is EN alright?
Menace: She's fine.. just mopping up Grandma's urine puddle under the table... can't you smell it..... this dressing is good... Eat up.
Mother EN: I should do that for her
*starts to get under table
Menace: No.. no.. no.. Mother EN.. no need... you are the guest here.. EN can handle it... I hear her down there wiping away... Got everything down there EN?
EN: Uh huh s'all good! Piss is fun!

Granny: MMMM yes good food...
Shawn: If you think you like that Grandma, wait until I feed you dessert
Granny: oo young man, I doubt that would hurt.
Shelly: WWhhhaaaaa Whaaaa!!! Huhuhhhh Pretty Girl first!!!!

Menace: ..... *slams hand on the table.... sorry.. this fucking dressing is good.. i better get some gravy wouldn't want the mouth to get dry..

Mother Menace: Do you do scrapbooking or anything Mother EN?
Mother EN: I'm more into horticulture and holistics but I enjoy geneology as well.
Mother Menace: Really, I love that... what do you grow?
Mother EN: Marijuana mostly.
Shawn: It's the bomb shit too, you should try some Mother Menace.. it'll get you loose in your funny places
*Shelly sits slackjawed... trail of drool runs down chin
Shelly: yummy tummy.... tickles... Mhaaaaa!!

Mother Menace: Johnny, when did you add the David Hasselhoff soap dispenser in the bathroom?
Menace: ....... fuckin gravy...
Mother Menace: Johnny?
*table knocks
Menace: .. shit ..... what?... what soap mom? .....
Mother Menace: The soap dispenser, when did you add that?
Menace: I... hmmmm... well it was put.... it was the Scumbag 08' campaign... they uh.....
*table knocks
*Johnny's head tilts back
Menace: ....uhm..... sold... jesus.... we were selling them..... for the campaign fund... raiser...

Father EN: Scumbag 08'? Is that the shitbag that fired my daughter?
Menace: Yes...shit..bag.... yes.. yes... yes... ahhh .... yeah it uh was..... christ.
*table knocks
Mother Menace: Well it's fabulous Johnny, I love the way the soap dispenses.. all creamy like.
Menace: .......... well ..... that's the hoff..
*table knocks again
*Johnny wipes face

Mother Menace: You can just lather it up and it gets all thick like that?
Menace: .... ahhh.. yeah... thick....
Mother Menace: Johnny, are you feeling okay?
*Wipes sweat from forehead
Menace: I feel fucking fantastic right now.... its thanksgiving....
Mother Menace: You're sweating.. and what's all that knocking? You look flushed honey.
*starts to look under the table
*Johnny grabs her arm tightly
Menace: Noo.. its nothing.. it's just my knee..... sports injury... a little muscle spasm and it hits the table sometimes... ... plus EN's cleaning.... could be her.... don't worry about my knee though ... i'll be fine.
*Father EN frowns

Shawn: Sooo babies, Mother Menace tell me, do you think they'll be born with sunglasses on?
*granny leans into shawn and whispers
Granny: Well it's what I'm doing to you under the table thats giving you a hard on....

Father EN: I do find it strange Johnny that you wear sunglasses at night, and inside.
Menace: i can see how someone would think its strange that doesn't wear sunglasses all the time..... but I like to think it's like that.... shit..... ok... im... it's coming... to me.. yes... yes.. what's his name... holy fucking shit.... his name... god damn..... it's almost there.. yes ... it's there....
*grips tablecloth
*table knocks twice
Menace: COREY HART! Corey Hart....
Mother Menace: Are you sure you're alright son?

Father EN: Well that sounds like something a pervert would do.... Mother Menace does Johnny have tourettes?
Shawn: No, he's got afterglow now. *yawns*
*Father EN frowns
Menace: tourettes.. i wish.. and shawn i wouldn't call it an afterglow i'm just really hungry now... all this talking.. my food is getting cold..
*begins to eat

*En pops back up from under table and goes to place napkin
EN: Sorry about that, all cleaned up now!
Mother EN: Honey you have something on your collar
EN: Oh, I do? Hmm must be gravy
*wipes off with finger, licks finger
EN: Yes, gravy it is... mmmmm yummy, let's eat!
Shawn: It didn't look like gravy Starfucker... It looked like...
*shoves finger in Shawns face
EN: You wanna taste it Shawn? Just to make sure?

Father EN: Why did he call you Starfucker?
EN: Why does mom call you chicken head?
Granny: I do give great head

Menace: ........ Shelly.. you able to get that turkey down your gobblet
*Shelly pokes self in forhead with spoonful of sweet potatoes....
Shelly: AHhh Huhuhhhh Pretty Girl hurt.. MAAAHHH!
Menace: .. juice for your sippy cup then
*pours sparkling apple cider
Shelly: WWEEeeeOOoahhhh.. ha..

EN: Johnny did you tell your Mother about your blind date with Shelly?
Mother Menace: Oh?
*Shawn sneers
Menace: No.. must have slipped my mind... yes shelly... great night.... could of been magical.. but shawn put her to bed..
*Menace gives two thumbs up
*Shawn jabs fork through dressing
Shawn: *yawns* Yea, your son is a true humanitarian alright.
EN: You know Johnny, Trish has ignored Shawns advances since you left that night
Shawn: has NOT
EN: has TOO...... I heard she still cries softly when he touches her
Mother Menace: Who's trish Johnny?
EN: Shawns girlfriend
Mother EN: Oh? You have a girlfriend Shawn?
*Mother EN shoots jealous and suspectful glance at Shawn
*Mother EN pouts a bit
Shawn: I uhhh...
Shelly: Nwahhhhhh pretty girllllll no baaaby... no pretttyyyy girlllll love baby... whhhaaawww!!!
Shawn: We can't discuss that now, because mom gets upset.... Maybe after I put her to bed

Mother EN: What happened between you and Trish Johnny? Sounds dramatic if she still cries.
*EN slugs glass of wine... pours another glass
Shawn: He violated her.
Menace: I like to think of it as i made her relieze her potential...
Father EN: You two are sick fucks... I can't believe my daughter....
Menace: Father EN.. Trish is a real doll... a fake... a mannequin cum dumpster recepticle.
Father EN: Oh, well I have one of those
Menace: do you
Father EN: i do
Menace: i see... then you understand...
Shawn: Don't let him near your woman.... Father EN... No amount of safesuds and lysol will fix her I promise you.
Menace: you should try couples therapy... and lets remember you gave her to me... it was your choice... Your mother or your girl...

Mother Menace: EN do you do a lot of cooking for my son?
EN: I do keep it hot in the kitchen yes Mother Menace... we dutch oven sometimes.
*Shawn starts crying
Mother EN: Dutch oven?
EN: It's in my new book ma... "Sins of the Spatula"... It's better than Rachel Ray.
Granny: Not this time, he won't pay... maybe next time you'll have to though young man... I am living on my social security after all.
*Shawn bawls a little in napkin
*EN downs another glass of wine
EN: Shawn pull it together for fucksake... look, you've made your mother upset.
*Shelly sits and stares off into far corner while sweet potatoes still fall from her forehead
*Chews tongue and hums

Mother EN: So where is Johnny's father?
Mother Menace: Oh, he couldnt make it... he had business to deal with at home.
Mother EN: I see. So where are you staying during your visit?
Mother Menace: Johnny invited me to stay here for the evening....
*EN spits wine
*Looks at Menace across the table
Mother EN: Oh, where will you sleep? There's only one bed....
Mother Menace: And that is where I will sleep.. the kids will sleep in the living room I think.
Father EN: The kids...
Menace: The couch sprawls

EN: Johnny
Menace: EN yes
EN: I think there's a midget on fire in the kitchen... can you help?
Menace: Indeed.

*Menace and EN get up from the table and leave for kitchen
*table sits silent, except for Shawns weeping

Mother EN: So... Do any of you rollerskate?

T-day part i

2006-11-28T09:42:00.000-06:00

Father EN: Dinner looks fantastic sweetie. You even remembered the Okra.
Granny: I love watching Oprah, don't you Emma?
EN: No Granny I don't. I wish death on Oprah. Alright, everybody can serve up... There's plenty of food. Shawn, would you pass the mashed potatoes please?
*slaps mountainous lump of mashed potatoes on plate
*passes bowl
Menace: look at that shawn.. your favorite.... mashed potatoes.... are you going to entertain us with an artistic rendition of El Capitan.... or maybe some circlism.... in your potatoes..
*passes sweet potatoes
*Shawn sits dumbfounded

Father EN: Say Johnny, you know, my names Johnny too.
*passes dressing, spills some on the table
EN: *begins bouncing in her chair and singing... John Jacob Jingleheimersmith, his name is my name too.. wheneever I g...
Menace: Thanks.. i think.. right EN......hmm.. EN.... EN you can stop now... You know.. sir...I think some things are better left... unsaid....
Shawn: Yeah, I know what you mean about 'things left unsaid'. I bet the whole screaming the name during sex is gonna be a real bitch to deal with now huh Menace? Knowing you and her father have the same name. Hell of an issue...
*Father EN frowns
*Menace stares blankly at Shawn
*Slides finger across blade of carving knife

Menace: EN .. did we make sure this knife was sharp enough..
EN: *swoons* yeah, we totally did.
*Menace smirks
*Rips drumsticks from turkey
Granny: Yes, just outside on the walkway I slid.

Mother EN: Johnny, tell me, what is it you do for a living, this is a really nice place - love the shark tank in the bedroom. You born and raised here too?
Shawn: *snickers... He ejaculates bulls or some shit like that.
*attends to serving Shelly's food, places wine cork on end of her fork.
Shelly: MEEEaahhh Hooooooooome Pretty Giirrrrrl!!
Shawn: That's right mom, just like at home!

Menace: I didn't know you were into such dangerous animals.. I'd love to give you a tour and introduce you to the sharks.. maybe after dinner... oh and.. hello Shelly... is that.. did you where that Chantilly Lace again... for me.. You know what happen last time you wore that...
Shelly: BREAAADSTICK FOR prETTy!!
*Shelly bounces up and down in booster seat... knocks over butter dish
Menace: Alright.. only because i know you really want one when you when you gnaw on your tongue like that... EN can you get those breadsticks from the counter?..... ah yes... here we go.....
Shelly: *claps... BREADDSTICKKSS YEAaaaHHHh!!
*Menace stabs the knife into the turkey carcas and feeds shelly breadstick slowly
*slobbers and flicks her tongue around it.

Shawn: Don't you have a turkey to carve Menace?
*Snaps breadstick away
* feeds breadstick lovingly to his mother
Shelly: *drools around breadstick..... MEEEaahhh BREADDSTICKSS

Mother EN: Well I only mention the Shark tank because it reminded me of that one story EN wrote years ago, I think it was called "Sins of the flesh".... There was a chapter in there with sharks...
Menace: ...... was there.. sin.. flesh.. and sharks... really
*looks at EN
Mother EN: Yes, it was steamy. A little too pornographic for my tastes, but it was well written.
*passes green bean casserole
*EN rolls eyes

Father EN: "Sins of the Flesh?" What kind of smut material you writing now?
Mother Menace: I'd love to get a copy of that.
Menace: ...... uhmm.. mom.. i'm sure you can ask afterwards and not make it so... so public at the table..

Granny: No, I don't have a cat. I don't like cats... I was always more of a dog person.
Mother EN: Yes, there was that position. Oh and something called the 'crop duster' - though judging by the illustrations it looked more like Khama Sutra. That silent lotus position... I believe you showed me how to do that, didn't you Shawn?

*Shawn chokes on wine
Menace: ....... ................. ....mother.......... ..... .... ..fucker?.........

Mother Menace: Illustrations? Tell me, are they color?
EN: AND scratch and sniff, yes!
Mr EN: I thought we talked about this Emma, I don't tolerate lesbianism.
EN: Well that's too bad dad, because you'd both like women and football!
Menace: .... dark meat anyone..
*Menace continues to carve
*pitches piece of turkey on ENs plate

Mother EN: Dark meat, yes I think there was some of that in chapter 5. Oh, no that was another book you did... what was that one called honey? It had the sleezy black tranvestite in it?
EN: *smiles wide... Drippy Sexual Chocolate
Mother Menace: Oooo, that sounds like an ice cream flavor, doesn't it Johnny?
Menace: ... wow... and you haven't even started drinking.... i think i'll pass on this one...

Shawn: MMMMMM Grandma this stuffing smells goooOOOd huh?
Granny: *giggles... I haven't gotten morning wood in a long time.
Shawn: Uh, Grandma you want a breadstick?
Shelly: *pounds fists on table Moooyeeaahhhh... BREAAADSTICK FOR prETTy!! BABY... Feed prrrreeetttyyyyyyyy.... mwahhhh
Shawn: Aw mom, you know you're still my number one...
*leans over and tongues Shelly's deformed ear
*Shelly sits silently and fondles butter knife as she chews on tongue

Father EN: You know what? I'm not hungry anymore. I think my daughter and I have to have a little talk outside.
*Father EN throws napkin on table, pushes plate
*Shawn smiles
EN: They're just silly dirty words on paper dad, no big deal.. you know, fuck this fuck that suck cock eat pussy... It just flows and means nothing.
Mother Menace: Johnny's father loves dirty talk......
Menace: ....... and i'm sure he loves you talking about it when he's not here..

Shawn: Unless you add to that the whole writers creedo... "live to write, write to live"...
*shoots side glance at Menace, feeds breadstick to Granny
Shawn: That's good grandma, with the breadstick... take it all just like you're doing.
*Grandma deep throats breadstick
Shawn: You don't have any teeth, do you Grandma? Jesus, that's fucking hot how you do that..

Father EN: *frowns.... You touching my daughter Johnny Menace?
Menace: hmmm.. such a complex question.. can you define "touch" while i carve the turkey Johnny.... I can call you... Johnny right?
Shawn: It's more like a "dirty touch" Mr. EN.
Shelly: *drools and claps.... Diiiirrrrttttyyyy touch PRETTY Giiiiirrrrllll MooooooYEaahhhh
Father EN: No.
*passes jello salad

Mother Menace: Oh, now that sounds like a great name for a new story EN - Dirty Touch. Your mothers just told me about all the writing you've done. Impressive. Are you going to write a story about my son?
Father EN: You "dirty touching" my daughter Johnny Menace?
EN: Write a story about Johnny? Like a ... story? With sex in it?
Mother Menace: Yes of course, my son is a strapping young man. I'm sure he could inspire a chapter or two. He's not a sleezy black tranvestite but.... I mean to say.... I did used to change his diapers you know. And I spanked that ass too.
*passes dinner rolls
Shawn: He's a sleezy white transvestite.
*Father EN frowns again

EN: Strapping yes, you have no idea. Well that's not true, you're his mother you have some idea. Though, I'm not sure I could put it into words actually..... I think it was just last night after we played high-colonic that I had trouble trying to describe the sensa--
Menace: ..strapping... ok.. jesus.. mom why you don't do PR i have no idea.... .... EN you're encouraging her..
Mother Menace: All I'm saying is that I'd love to read that story if you write it. See if any of those family genes apply and all... You know, I am quite a sex machine myself. Sometimes I find I can't get enough.
EN: Are you? Really... Insatiable? Tell me, do you and Mr. Menace do role playing?

Mother EN: Damnit, EN your grandmother just pissed herself.
Granny: I'm in perfect health.
*menace looks around table
*excuses self to kitchen, slams shot of Patron

Shawn: Yeah Grams, you're hot shit... urine or no. So Mrs. Menace.... Johnny is strapped? But not black transvestite strapped... More like asian strapped? Tell me, he liked the spankings didn't he?
*EN, Mom, and Grandma get up and leave table to clean up Grandma
* Father EN glares at Menace in the kitchen

Mother Menace: Johnny that Emma is a nice girl, is she just staying here for a short time? Or is this something long term?
Menace: We haven't discussed....
*Crashing sounds from bathroom

Shawn: You're thinking grandchildren Mrs. Menace?
Mother Menace: Always good to hold a warm bundle, yes.
*shoots look at Johnny
*Shawn snickers
Shawn: That'd be some DNA at work there, huh?
Father EN: EN stays here? She lives here?
Mother Menace: Well of course she lives here. My son is a gentleman though, wouldn't hurt a fly.... So Johnny? What say you?
Menace: .... what say me? are you from the thirteenth century... mom.... I have 4 babies i look after already..
Mother Menace: I'm not talking about the sharks or the dog Johnny, I'm talking about a bay-bee.
*Mother Menace rocks arms
Menace: .... buttercup is a.... well..... and you know all this talk of conception... and we haven't even said the prayer yet.
Shelly: BABBYYY WLUVV!! HA Hahahhh!
*claps and bounces
* shawn whispers in her ear
Shelly: MooooooYEaahhhh!!! *drools*

Mother Menace: Well I'm not getting any younger son. It's time for you to settle down.
Menace: ... yes and what better time to talk about it than at thanksgiving... in an open forum...
Shawn: Yeah, wow could you imagine? EN knocked up with a little Menace? Jesus, what a genetic crap shoot that would be.... yeah, Menace.... pull that shit and hope you hit triple 7's.
Father EN: Did you just refer to my daughter as a slot machine?
Shawn: Do I have to? I thought that was implied.
*Menace gets up again, escapes to kitchen... slams two more shots of Patron

Mother Menace: I thought the slot machine metaphor was colorful, she did make a nice dinner. Any woman that can cook like this for my son is....
*EN returns to table
*bounces into seat
EN: Okay, I'm back what did I miss?
Shawn: Well.. let's see.... Your dad knows you bunk with Menace now, and his mother wants you two to have a baby together because you make a nice meal ... oh, and journal it for a short story entitled "Asian strapped." Ah, and then Mother Menace declared that Johnny was a gentleman and you are safe staying here.
Father EN: And you called her a slot machine.
EN: oh? Johnny a gentleman. It's a unique gentle... we always play safely.
*takes drink of wine
*Menace returns and serves himself silently, looks longingly at Shelly gnawing turkey leg.

EN: Oh. Well dad look at the bright side of me staying here... at least you can find comfort that I'm not a lesbian. I mean, I'm a big fan of cock..... ask Johnny.
*points across the table at Menace
*Father seethes, stabs at pearl onions
Mother Menace: Well you certainly don't look like a lesbian to me EN. But tell me, do you like children?
EN: I have a good friend that eats children.

Menace: the meal does look..... well it looks delicious EN.... and how did you know..... to get cranberries in the...... can?
EN: I like cranberries ...in the can...
Menace: Do you
EN: I do
Menace: You like it ...... in the can
EN: So much it hurts sometimes
*Table falls silent

Menace: and this gravy is.... well, just the perfect consistancy..... not too thick... not... too thin....
EN: Sweet and salty too, Just like I like it. Yes. I aim to please of course.
Menace: Do you
EN: I do
Menace: I know
EN: So do you
Menace: Indeed
EN: I like to smother my meat in it
Menace: Yes..... you do... smother meat....

Shawn: See, did you see that?!?! Did you see the way they did that "thing" they just did?
Shelly: Baby Baby HELP pretty... Pretty GIRLlllll!! Wwwhhannggggh.

*grandma returns to the table with Mother EN.
Granny: You have a very clean bathroom young man. So spotless....

Mother Menace: How old are you EN?
EN: Fourteen. I think I started my period about two weeks ago.

Mother EN: Alright, now are we ready for the prayer? Who says the prayer.
Mother Menace: Johnny should say the prayer...
Father EN: for his life.
EN: Oh yes Johnny do say the prayer!!!
Shelly: *chews on tongue and claps ...MEEEaahhh Hooooooooome Pretty Giirrrrrl!!

Menace: Oh, well alright..... *stands* Let's all bow our heads shall we? Alright then........
*Shelly falls head first into her plate
Menace: Shawn your mother...... she.... her head is ... doing that retarded thing..... ....uhm. you want to.. you know.. lift her up...... might be better.
Shawn: Oh yeah, right.
*Shawn pulls Shelly up by the hair,
*wipes food from face and breathing tube

Menace: ... are we ready then?.... ok... Let us pray..... tamquam equi enim depaverunt et tamquam agni exultaverunt magnificantes te Domine qui liberasti illos......
*EN bites lip

Menace: *looks at EN .... novissime autem viderunt novam creaturam avium cum abducti concupiscentia postulaverunt escam epulationis .....
*EN bites finger - hard... draws blood

Menace: ..... etenim detestabiliorem inhospitalitatem instituerunt alii quidem ignotos non recipiebant advenas alii autem bonos hospites in servitutem accipiebant.....
*EN shakes uncontrollably

Mother EN: Ahmen
Mother Menace: Ahmen
Granny: I do like men.
Shawn: *whispers..... Granny, meet me in the bathroom... Ahmen
Father EN: Aymen
Shelly: *stares silently... plays with spoon..... Waahyeee AHHHHH!

Menace: .... Ahhmen EN.
*Looks at EN, makes tapping forehead motion
EN: Ahhh...
Menace: Yes EN good... mouth open just a little more.... just like we practiced.....are you salivating? .... You are hungry then..... well...say Ahhhmenn so we can eat.....
EN: mmmm.... hen?
*smirks at EN as she quivers*
Menace: Well, alright.. good girl ....Everybody dig in .....

*ENs eyes roll back in her head as she slides under the table.

Blind date: Shelly...... part III

2006-11-22T10:10:00.000-06:00

Continued from Part I & Part II

The way that little freak monster was sucking on my salted fingers on the way i almost drove of the cliff. We finally pulled up to her place in seattle..... the lights were on.... that was odd i thought... oh well.. must be her caretaker.... i bet she's a black woman named beatrice and she's a katrina evacuee... but i needed to make sure to secure my invitation in...

Menace: *leaning closer to Shelly in the car
That chantilly lace has been driving me wild all night... how did you know i find that perfume intoxicating...

Shelly: *stares straight out the window

Menace: Playing it cool around me.... I knew i shouldnt let EN talk to you before hand.. mind if i use the bathroom before i go... and i'll bring in your breadsticks...
*leans in closer to her deformed ear... or what i thought was her ear
*whispering
...if you want i could feed you the rest of these breadsticks before i go..

Shelly: *smiles and drools on herself

I knew she couldn't play cool for to long and the way she let that drool run down her chest under her shirt..... i knew... my invitation inside was secure..

So i unloaded her from the car.. wheeled her in through the front door... The placed smelled of fabric softner... dyrer sheets were visible everywhere in the house... jesus... what kind of lazy ass caretaker lives here..... we made our way to the kitchen to so i could unwrap the breadsticks and then........ then.. it hit......... it dawned on me why EN told me she was special.....

Menace: So shelly how long have you lived here... its a nice place... smells...... smells.. nice like you live with Snuggles

Shelly: MEEEaahhh Hooooooooome Pretty Giirrrrrl!!

Menace: Yes. Home... so where's your helper.. she live here with you

Shelly: Baby Baby HELP pretty... Pretty GIRLlllll!!

Menace: Baby?.... i don't know .. if i like that...

Shelly:*points at pictures on the counter

Menace:*pics up the picture
Oh........................................ shit.....

Its at that time i finally realized the water was running in the kitchen.... I had been so focused on getting my own breadstick in Shellys super sucking retard mouth that.. i must have ignored
.. "Mommm is that you!"...

Menace: shit.. shit..shit..shit.shit...
*wheeling her in the ktichen

Shelly: BABBYYY WLUVV!! HA Hahahhh!
*claps

Shawn: .........Menace?....... what...

Menace: Oh hey shawn... i.. uhmm

Shawn: .............................. .......... ...........................

Menace: ......................... ....................... .....................

Shelly: MooooooYEaahhhh
*clapping

Shawn: Why are you wheeling my mom in the kitchen?

Shelly: BREAAADSTICK FOR prETTy!!

Menace: Well ..its..uhm... you know EN invited her over .. and.. Mrs Editor was ..uhm.. hungry... am i..
*pulls out a breadstick and feeds it to Shelly

Shawn: No!! My mom was suppose to go on a date.... tell me the date didn't show up and you brought her hom... and why is my mom sucking a breadstick like cock....

Shelly: *Licking the butter of the breadstick end to end and swirling her tongue around it

Shawn: Jesus mom!
*steps away from the sink and snatches the breadstick out
I'm going to kick your ass Men......

Menace: Ah... Shawn... why is there a rubber doll in the sink

Shawn: *looks back
That rubber doll has a name... it's Trish and Trish needs to be washed asshole

Menace: *snaps some pics on his cell phone
That will be worth something don't you think... hate for that to get out at work..

Shawn: Listen douche don't you even think about it.... and what the fuck Menace.. what is this bottle of Patron for.. are you trying to get my mom drunk!!.. She is fucking retarded she can't drink..

Menace: *snaps pics of shawn with a bottle of patron with his mom and doll in the background.
Ok that might make a good x-mas card.

Shawn: Fuck you.. give me those pictures.

Menace: Lets lay somethings out Shawn...

Shawn: No Fuck you.. I'm going to.....

Menace: kick my ass.. yes .. so i've heard.. come on shawn.. big boy breaths.... now listen.. i didn't know this was your retarded suck machine mother... but now that i do.. ....i really.... really want to let her have my breadstick... she's a gifted woman shawn....

Shawn: Well that's not going to happen

Menace: and if you want the pictures to disappear then i'm sticking my breadstick in something.. your mom already got me hard sucking on my fingers in the car.. but .... your the man of the hosue... i'll let you choose...... either i'm tucking her mom in... or your going to have to give me your rubber doll trish for an hour..... someone's mouth is going to get full tonight..

Shawn:..... .......... .........

Shelly: BREADDSTICKKSS YEAaaaHHHh!!
*claps
*drools

Menace: Times ticking shawn..

Shawn: Give me a mintue
*walks over to trish
*leans into her ear
*whispers
*hugs trish and starts to sob a bit

Menace: Sorry Shelly... it would have been magical..

Shelly: *drools
*chews tongue

Menace: I know.. me to..

Shawn *wiping eyes
Ok Menace.. one hour... but that's it.... and here if you could play this CD its her favorite it will help her mind drift away from you...
*hands a type o negative cd

Menace: sorry.. boss... i brought my own..
*flashes a Deftones CD

Shawn: If you hurt her... I'll

Menace: kick my ass?.. don't worry you were believable the first time..... really..

Shawn: .....mom lets go upstairs.. bed time..
*grabs breadsticks and salt shaker

Menace: ........ what... what ..why are you taking those

Shawn: Shut up Menace.. I'll be upstairs for an hour.. and then i'm coming down and you better be gone...
*carries Shelly upstairs

Menace: *grabs the patron
*turns to trish
Why don't we go into the living room and get dirty?

......... 45 mintues later... and an empty patron bottle... I sat on the couch for a mintue to collect my thoughts... I looked over at Trish and wiped away a couple of tears.... there's nothing more innocent than seeing a doll like that shed a tear... ... i should just walk out of here with trish right now... and take her back to EN as a nice little prize for a her blind date set up.... and i know trish would be ready to go after hearing shawn moan from upstairs.....

and you know what... fuck him.. he wouldn't let me fuck his mom..... i am going to steal something...... I could get trish out the door in plenty of time... I've got 10 minutes before he comes down stairs... he's probably napping in his moms lobster claw hands............... then it caught my eye ... sitting in shawn's room ...... a sock monkey...... so i took his sock monkey and made my way out the door... wonder if he'll notice it?

Blind date: Shelly...... part II

2006-11-21T00:43:00.000-06:00

Continued from Part I

After EN settled me down.. I turned to Shelly said hello as we made are way to the car. My first words out of my mouth... disaster...

Menace: So how long have you had that..... hmm.. that thing.. all your life?... is it easy to breathe?

Shelly: *smiles and turns the radio on

There wasn't much said in car.. after that.. . She really likes to listen to the radio and sing. Horrible singer by the way.... you would think she is chewing on her own tongue... or graduated at the Helen Keller school of arts.... ...... so we got to dinner... nothing big just went to Szmania's ... just a nice atmosphere to sit relax and have a little one on one conversation with Shelly.. until i realized...

=============================================

Menace: Ever been hear before..

Shelly: MMeeaaahh!!

Menace: Excuse me... did.. did you just make a cat noise.. are you trying to impress me

Shelly: Hehheh hehheh you go go Meeeahhhhhhh!!

Menace: .. I.. don't... uhmmm.. ok.. no

Shelly: Ball la Goooo go Hehhhhhhh AHHHH!!!

Menace: what's with yelling everything jesus i'm right in front of you....... wait.. wait.. wait.. are you.. ...no... EN wouldn't do that to me.. she wouldn't set me up with....

Shelly: *eating napkin

Menace: .. jesus EN.. what.. what the fuck am i doing with a retard in a wheelchair

Shelly: PRETTY GIRL!! PRETTY GIRL!!!

Menace: yes.. yes.. i meant pretty girl..

Shelly: YEAAAAHH!!.. Pretty girl..
*starts to pet the butter shaped like a swan

Waiter: Hello sir and what can i start you off with to drink.

Menace: Oh.. uhmm
*looks at Shelly starting to eat the swan's head
.... really.. i'm.. uhmmm.. ok.. i'm not sure if .. if she is allowed... i mean.. to drink... i..
*turns to the waiter
ok.. i don't know... alcohol... can retards drink alcohol?

Waiter: I'll have you know we serve Kenny G here all the time.

Menace:.............. .........

Waiter: Uh huh.. Eats here every second Tuesday of the month and drinks mojitos until he touches the utensils inappropiately with his mouth...

Menace: ............... ............ she's not gay... look at her....... she has a breathing tube in her fucking neck.. i don't know if she can even eat food.
*looks over at Shelly stabbing the other butter swans with her knife
*exhales
...sure what the hell.. 2 patrons and dress'em for the oscars... just keep them coming...

Waiter: Yes sir and here are your bread sticks

Menace: Shelly .. would you care for a breadstick?

Shelly: MmMmeeahh
*opens mouth

Menace: ...... so... that's a yes?... ok
*feeds a breadstick to Shelly

Shelly:Yummy tummy
*claps and slowly wraps her lips around the breadstick.. tonguing it up and down the shaft of the stick..

Menace: you gotta be shitting me......
*watches shelly slob on her self as she takes in half the bread stick and slowly push it back out.
where is that patron... ... please... god.... tell me this retard has no teeth... please...
*looks at the rest of the diners starting
I said out loud didn't i.......... hmmm... ok... i... shouldn't you people be talking to yourself instead of evesdropping... on this little girl's make a wish dream... that's ok shelly... you keep licking that stick of bread...

Waiter: Your patrons sir...

Menace: Thank you.. and we'll start with the soup
*pulls bread stick out Shelly's mouth
*grabs patron... swipes some salt on finger

Waiter: soup it is..

Menace: ok Shelly ever had tequilla before... i hope your retarded stomach can handle this.. taste just like water...

Shelly: WWhhhaaaaa Whaaaa!!!
*claps and opens her mouth

Menace: *pours the shot down Shellys throat

Shelly: Whaaaaaa...
*pauses
*eyes start to water

Menace: ok.. it might burn a lit......

Shelly: AHhh Huhuhhhh Pretty Girl hurt.. MAAAHHH!

Menace: hmm.. hold on.. hold on..
*fingers salted finger in mouth

Shelly: AAAHHHHH....MMmmmmm ..mmmmmmm
*starts to suck my finger hard
*swirels her tongue around it

Menace: *shoots the patron
*bangs the glass on the table
Oh ... jesus.... you got to be shitting me shelly... you little bug eyed hoover you..
*slams the table
God.. damnit.... you are special

Shelly: *sucks and flickers her tongue

Waiter: *coughs
Your soup sir... 2 more shots of patron..

Menace:*pulls finger out of shelly's mouth
hmmm you know what.. why don't you just go ahead and bring me the check.. and forget the 2 shots i want you to bring me the bottle... just put the bottle on my bill...

Waiter: but we don't sell bottles... sir.

Menace: I don't care... just
*looks over at Shelly face first in the soup
jesus... i knew retards couldn't hold there liquor... well.. can't you help me get her cleaned up
*pulls shellys head out of the soup

Shelly: WWEEeeeOOoahhhh.. ha..

Menace: you like that ... i see.... ok.. and can we clean around her tube i don't want her breathing tomatoe bisque on me...... ...ok.... shelly... look at me......... ...look at me...... with your good eye shelly.... ok... i'm going to drive you home... your drunk... so i'm going to take her home..

Shelly: *spits up soup on herself

Menace: Ok.. i'm gonig to take that as a "your cool with that"

Waiter: Your check and bottle sir..

Menace: Alright.. and there you go and i'm going to take a couple of these breadsticks.. she seems to like them... ready to shelly..

Shelly: Naaawwhhhhmmanabbble!!

Menace: ... Allright... you just go ahead and continue to gnaw on your tongue

===========================================

I had the wait staff load shelly in the car... i checked her medical bracelets for her home address.. and once i got some decent directions ... I let shelly suck on my fingers on the way to her house... that mouth never got tired.... and while we drove down to her place... i kept thinking .."ok.ok.. this is what EN meant by saying it would special.. that she's a special girl.. this retard powered sucking machine of a mouth and with that breathing tube she doesn't even have to come up for air."............ ............ but i later learned when we got to Shelly's place... I was wrong about that being the special part of it.............. .........it was so much sweeter than that...

(to be continued Weds)

Blind Date: Shelly...... part I

2006-11-20T02:03:00.000-06:00

Over the weekend EN convinced me i needed to get out of the pad and meet some new people... so she set me up on a blind date.. i was hesitant at first.. i mean looking at EN i figured .. she's got to be the hot one in her circle of friends.. which means her friends.. which i'm assuming is my blind date are

A) ugly.. like dirt ugly
B) fugly.. like her
C) fat
D) fattugly.. fat and fucking ugly yet they think they look good and wear a belly shirt and then they hit on you trying for a drink and you tell them you wouldn't fell comfortable getting a mother to be a shot of patron... and then there's that awkard pause and you realize she's not pregant.. and she steps back and says "whatttttevvverr" telling how fine "all of this" is... and the right side of body goes numb as you cock your head to side because your right eye and arm are twitching at the thought of "all of that".. and then you order yourself 2 drinks..

.... i was about to say fuck that lets go shopping for a wolf.. when i remembered shs's post on how he met his wife... and i thought... what the hell.. i'll try a fat one.... but god i hope its not fugly fat..

So EN sets me up for Sat night... says this girl has a good personality.. really nice.. lots of laughter.. a good listener.. and special..

Saturday night i was in the shower when the doorbell rang... I turned to EN .. asked her to put her camera down and answer the door while i get ready.. what was said while i showered i figured EN could fill you in..
===============

EN: Hi Shelly!! Come in... Can I get your jacket. It's soooo good to see you! Any trouble finding the place?

Shelly: *shrugs takes off jacket.*

EN: So, are you nervous?

Shelly: *Shys away and blushes *

EN: Well, you shouldn't be nervous... really. Johnny's a great guy, I think you too will interact well. We really should get you up to speed on his likes and dislikes though, so you can keep up with him at dinner....

So let's see... What does Johnny Menace like... Well, he likes Jeremiah Johnson bear claw marks - How are you on animal impressions? So-so?

Oh and he likes driving fast too if that fails. And you like driving fast.... mostly downhill.. but still.... That should be something fun you two could do together I think.. So bring that up. Oh and He likes to manipulate people and well... you like.... uhm... Uhm, You like to manipulate Play doh.. but it's very similar in a general sense....

Shelly: *looks away... mutters something unintelligible*

EN: Johnny is still getting ready but we can sit over there and chat some more....... Soooo Johnny doesn't like panties... you're not wearing panties are you? I hope not because he'll cut them... so If you're wearing underwear that just wont do...

Shelly: *blank stare.. smiles*

EN: Actually, tell me, are they at least white cotton? Because he kinda digs that.
No? Yes? Hmmm... well, moving on then.

If he asks you about pornographic Dr. Suess it's only because he wants you to play with him. Kind of like a mental foreplay... Verse Chorus Verse type thing. Really turns him on. Shit, I should have made cue cards for you... fuck. Well, nevertheless you should keep up if you want his attention.... or he just gets bored and starts stacking the table wear into some strange egyptian type thing.

Shelly: *blinks, continues to smile*

EN: Oh, here comes Johnny, okay act your most beautiful..... remember, you ARE a winner.... Don't be nervous and have fun tonight...

============

...... That explains so much when i walked into the living room and EN was putting away scissors.... at the first glance of Shelly I stopped dead in my tracks.. but i had to have a few words with EN

Menace: Hmmmm... EN come here for a mintue

EN: You to are going to have a great time.

Menace: Ok.... but uhmmm..... you know when you said she was special..

EN: Yeah

Menace: ... I didn't.. think you... well... ... I mean.. I wasn't expecting a... hmmm.. you know.. .... her thing.. that special fucking... thing.. that everyone is going to fucking notice..

EN: I didn't think that would be an issue. Trust me once you'll be fine. You might even get to fuck it..

Menace:... you ... you just called her it....

EN: What?. No . No i didn't. Don't be silly. I said her. fuck her.

Menace: Well .... what the fuck... EN.. and how is that suppose to work.. prop her up on kitchen counter and go to town while i make my sandwhich for round 2....

EN: Hasn't stopped you before.

Menace: yes but those times where different...... ok.. and you know where i do that think with the legs throwing them around.... what if i......

EN: You'll be fine.. Just go. Your date is waiting.

(to be continued tuesday)

Request Line... First try.

2006-11-16T21:02:00.000-06:00

First, please enjoy an excerpt from a recent conversation Menace and I had while doing the Thanksgiving Grocery shopping... and then a new thing we're trying here called "The Request Line".

E: "My dad will be there, he'll try to tell you about my cherry and not to touch it. "
M: "And what happens if I tell dad I looked but I didn't touch? "
E: "Soooo ..... is your mom coming?"
M: "She is... How many potatos do we need... Is Shawn coming?"
E: "Uhm, not thinking so, no. He's going to gave dinner with Trish's family."
M: "Then we don't need as many... Okay wine... we need wine... Is the aunt you told me about with the hairlip coming?"
E: "Uh yes she'll be there. She will be the lush with the wine bottle tucked in her cleavage. We can just drink what she brings...."
M: "Tucked... in her cleavage... Is it a magnum?"
E: "No, just a bot.. Wait, did you just say tucked?"
M: "Why yes, EN, I did."
E: "I think I left my wallet in the car."
M: "Did you?"
E: "YES."
M: "Well then we should go look between the cushions for it."
E: "YES... wait, what about the cart?"
M: "Fuck the cart, there's only 5 items..."
.
We've grocery shopped together twice...

And now, moving on to the new "request line"... It's something new I think will take off big-time... Blog requests... you know, you ask - we deliver.

Here's the catch, you never know what we're going to pick from or whose request will be granted soooo ... It's a crap shoot.

"hey menace or EN...how about posting some new shit. "
-- Carl Spackler

Well, alright Carl, we'll oblige... Only we'll do one better... and give you Holy Fucking Shit... (counts for Sunday) ....

Enjoy.

Conversations with God.... take 4

2006-11-12T18:41:00.000-06:00

Somebody told me once that if I sat here and tried to talk to God, he would listen. Must be something about this place that has a spiritual texture to it.

Maybe it's because God and Menace talk all the time... or it's the cherry tomato in the fridge that has the ass of mother mary on it (sorry i ate that), or perhaps its the "lord worshipers" that hang out at the YMCA across the street and hold candlelight vigil while covered in gasoline out front of Menace's condo.... dunno really.

What I DO know is that after this transition of moving and readjustment I needed some one to talk to... so here I sit at the fire pit - alone and chatty. I figured I'd give ol "G - Dog" a try and see what happens:

Me: Hello?
God: Hello, nice to meet you. What's your name?
Me: Everything Nice
God: All things Nice ?
Me: Yes. All things.
God: Aw. How do you know?
Me: People tell me.
God: Humans are not always infallible.
Me: That explains the Bostick question I had then. Okay, Why am I here?
God: We are all actors on the stage of life.
Me: Is this a stage?
God: No, this is real life.
Me: Well yes, but.... Do I belong here?
God: Not that I know of.
Me: Oh, well then I should die?
God: What would happen if you didn't?
Me: I would masturbate right now.
God: At this moment what would make you masturbate?
Me: The way the toilet paper is folded to a point in the bathroom.
God: Do you think about these things a lot?
Me: I do, I admit.
God: That is interesting.
Me: Yes.
God: Hmm.

Me: So, why does Scumbag hate me?
God: Why does the sun shine?
Me: Because it has to?
God: Interesting explanation. Has it really?
Me: Not lately, it's been raining and cold.
God: Do you really want to talk about the weather?

Me: Uh, not really. Okay... Why do people think Johnny and I are "banging"?
God: Perhaps it is the post-it notes.
Me: People see our post it notes?
God: Yes.
Me: Well shit.

God: We are all living just one small part of God's plan.
Me: To be shit... And this is Gods plan?
God: The pictures were not my plan.
Me: The TV picture where I went up and down? Yeah well, I got blamed for photoshopping that.
God: Not that one.
Me: Oh... those. You saw those huh?

*silence*

Me: You left me?
God: I don't have any reason to have left you.
Me: But you did, after I asked you a question.
God: Did I really?
Me: Yes.
God: Yay.
Me: What?... You make me sad.
God: Did I say something wrong?

Me: .... Ok so did you make it rain that one time I wore that white tank top?
God: Ugh. Hmm.
Me: Did you?
God: Did I say I did?
Me: So you like my rack then?
God: Interesting deduction. I don't know your rack.
Me: Would you like to?
God: It doesn't sound fun to me.
Me: Well fine then.
God: Well okay.

Me: Do you love me?
God: Yes I love everyone.
Me: Do you forgive me?
God: God tells us to forgive.
Me: You.... are God.
God: Yup. That's me alright.
Me: Well then you do?
God: When do I do it?
Me: You want to do it?
God: OK, I will do it.
Me: Well then lets do it.
God: Okay. I would like to do it too.
Me: Can you come now?
God: I think I can, don't you?
Me: Hurry before Johnny gets home.
God: I am going as fast as I can.
Me: Is your dick in your hand?
God: Is my dick in my hand? ... Suppose I say yes.
Me: Suppose you do...
God: Hmmm. Try it and see.
Me: I would like to try it. Are you hung then?
God: I don't know whether or not I am hung.
Me: Well.. thats too bad.
God: It's not the end of the world.
Me: Apparently not. Do you get lonely?
God: No. I watch Star Trek Voyager.

Me: Okay, so... Scumbag thinks I'm a slut since I left the Wedding Party and he calls me a "two-bit whore."
God: I think you've improved a great deal.
Me: Since I got fired and thrown on my ass? God, I should hope so.
God: Did that accomplish your objective?
Me: Hmmm... I dunno. My own heartbreak and embarassment? Well... Apparently it did, because you just said so.
God: Did I really say so?
Me: Yes.
God: Oh.
Me: Alright so I've done better by moving in here... apparently.
God: I try to improve a little every day. Where did you go?
Me: Uhh, here... The Paddy Wagon.
God: Who told you that?
Me: Johnny Menace did.
God: Johnny Menace said that?
Me: Yes, he did.
God: Uh. No he didn't.
Me: Huh? Was he lying? Am I NOT at the Paddy Wagon then?
God: I can't say "yes" or "no".
Me: So I am here at the Paddy Wagon?
God: I can say "maybe:.
Me: Are you lying for him?
God: Yes. but we are only playing a game: Turing's Imitation Game.
Me: Well yeah, if you're imitating Johnny you did a great fucking job.
God: All humans seem the same to me.

Me: So I could say, move in with Calzone things would be different?
God: I am sure you could.
Me: Well yes, he's a dragon.... so, of course.
God: I don't know very many dragons.
Me: Well he took his blog down.
God: Interesting. I get it. Johnny took his blog down.
Me: No, calzone did.

God: Are you serious? What do you do in your spare time?
Me: I masturbate.
God: Do you mind if I tell other people?
Me: I guess not. You are God.... So did we ever get any of these original questions answered then? I'm not sure.
God: Yes.

Me: Uhm okay... So then, sleep with Menace? Yay or Nay?
God: Nay. I always sleep alone.
Me: Well i sleep naked.
God: I see.
Me: You do?
God: Yes.
Me: Well jesus.
God: How about that. Jesus is the Son of God.
Me: And you're God.... and I need a drink.
God: What actions are you taking to get a drink?
Me: I'm pouring a shot of patron, Is that alright in the lords eye?
God: No. Not really. I don't have my eye in right now.
Me: Fuck you then, I'm not sharing.
God: Why are you so mean?
Me: You hate me too, don't you?
God: Why would I hate you? I don't hate you. Don't even say things like that.
Me: Hmm.
God: Are you confused?
Me: I am.
God: I hear you. For real.
Me: Wow, I confused the lord?
God: Glad I could impress you, but take it easy.
Me: Um alright .
God: I don't judge you. OK?
Me: Not even when I read my special Golden Book every night before bed?
God: Not then either.
Me: So, then it's alright?
God: It feels fine.
Me: .........

Since my conversation with God that night - it has rained many times. Hoping to have him appreciate my rack a little more (or at least get to know it), I stand outside in my white tank top with my mouth open.

The natives over at the "Y" always get restless when I do that, so I pick one out of the huddle and invite that lucky bastard up for mashed potatoes... let them get sleepy and comfortable... and kill them for shark food. It's silly and cures my boredom.

Regardless of that neat fact, I may have to stick around The Paddy Wagon for a little while until God and I sort some shit out...

glimpse of a premonition

2006-11-11T11:37:00.000-06:00

At least the couch wasnt ruined

2006-11-08T14:28:00.000-06:00

On the Wagon: A documentary of survival

2006-11-06T07:05:00.000-06:00

The alarm clock went off and told me it was Monday this morning.

I don't remember anything past Saturday afternoon around 4 pm - so I'll humor you the best I can with a brief documentary about my first couple of nights rooming at here at The Paddy Wagon.

At first, I felt a little nervous - maybe even frightened.

Honestly?
Well, I don't know much about Johnny Menace... Nor have I ever really been compelled to. Sure, I've read his blog for many moons and had the courtesy of polite banter with him on the comments section - but never a side mention or email really.

So you can imagine my dismay when he picked me up from the front steps of the Wedding Party and offered me safe shelter from the pelting rain outside.

I remember... I was crying... and he told me that I was lucky peanut butter didn't melt in water... "But sugar does... So it would be best if you got in the car."

I interpretted that as Texan for "Jesus they fired you too? Get in the car before your mascara runs."

Anyway,
So there I stood at the front door of his high rise Dallas condo with my cardboard box of personal Wedding Party items, drenched to the bone - as Johnny clicked the front lock of his door:

"You're wet...."

"I am."

"You should ... get into something... dry."

"I should but I don't have anything but what I'm wearing. The only things I have in this box are... hmmm... Some photoshopped stuff, a couple of posts I never published, and oh.. this g-string... not sure how that got in there... Oh, and this Scumbag 2008 campaign button... Ahh, and a photo of Shawn's mugshot...."

Johnny peered down in to my box "Really... no trophy shirt in there..... No tickets stubs with dates written on them... more importantly...... anything.... perishable?"

"Uhh, no."

"... Well ... that's too bad ..."

Upon first entering the Paddy Wagon I admit I was a little shocked at the accomodations.
Here I imagined Menace to have strange phalic objects on the book cases (since everybody says he's a homo), or an animal sacrifice table somewhere in the corner...

Perhaps he was just your typical bachelor and had posters of beer babes tacked to the walls and porn stacked in the corner.... But he didn't -In fact, it was surprisingly clean and well taken care of... It looked dark but comfortable... I put my box down just inside the door.

"I have a maid. She comes tomorrow night. Do you speak Spanish?"

"A little. Not much."

"Well.... she'll burn your clothes... soo... you should learn."

"Wow, well okay. I'll try."

"And you should shower ....... right away... Wash off that Kansas soil... sterilize... whatever. The bathrooms in there..... you can wear my robe."

I headed off towards the bathroom, looking around the room for any details I might need to identify any "previous victim trophies" - but I couldn't get too nosey because Menace stayed two steps behind me the whole way.

The shower started. The water was hot. It was a long shower.

I filled myself up with his hospitality while he got some water time as well... I tried not to choke it down but I found it difficult... A big bowl of banana pudding and a bottle of wine - very filling indeed.

His robe was very big. I swam in it in fact. I got the sleeve sticky...

After a brief time-out we started hitting it heavy on the wine.... I admit I should've said no to the second bottle of Fat Bastard, but I didn't. I was so upset about my firing... I just wanted to forget.

Well, I did well... because I forgot just about everything that happened after that.
What I do remember was that he showed me his living room fire pit area and his media room. He then gave me the five digit code to get into the bedroom, and let me peek inside.

(excuse the photo, this was taken the next morning as I was waking up. You can faintly make me out on the right sitting on the bed. Notice the electric meat slicer stuck in the floor... Yeah, I didn't ask.)

"Which side do you sleep on? I have to know... because of.... the mirrors and well... possible camera angles.... what do you need... to sleep..... to wear to sleep."

"I don't sleep in clothes Johnny, if that's a problem I'll sleep on one of your couches."

"Oh... well.. no problem at all... we can forget the tape line then.... no clothes.... check."

He let me feed his pet sharks.
He let me jump on the bed.
He let me look in his drawers.
I touched his unmentionables....

On the floor next to the bed he had a bottle of Patron. In the far corner of the room sat a sniper rifle, perched on it's end. We left there quickly after I noticed the existance of the rifle - asking no questions. I watched as he grabbed the bottle of Patron from the floor and we headed towards the fire pit for dessert.

Roasted Marshmellows...

I like to burn my marshmellows to a crisp when I roast them.

Johnny didn't seem to mind because he did the same, and we drank the fuck out of that Patron - matching shot after shot until we were both slobbering.... drunk.

"Open your mouth..... wide EN or this'll make your face dirty...."
He shot a wad of hot sticky thickness at me - I dodged it, and the burning mess of marshmellow went flying into the far wall with a splat and stuck there. "... Well.... .... I guess I better aim..... a little better next time."

He made another note to the maid for replacement curtains.

The next one he flung connected on the front of my (his) robe... Menace stumbled over to make sure I wasn't going to catch on fire - mumbling something about "protecting his investment..."

(No clue people, he's a strange bird).

But his hand slipped... and he smeared the sticky sweetness from his robe on to my chest, it stuck there firm against my skin for a moment. It was hot, I was on fire. "Oops... sorry... EN... I uhh.... well that's too bad.. I've made your chest .... sticky..."

As the night went on, it just got stranger... hotter... smokin' hot.
Drunk, lucid and high from sugar - we sat and talked Scumbag/SHS '08 campaign strategies, hoping that soon the Wedding Party would find themselves in a bind and offer us our jobs back.

But before we could finish that thought; some strange jacked-up dragon puppet looking thing came in and busted up the joint.
I admit I was a little dismayed being so drunk and dis-oriented. But I remember him being blue and not so bright, and negating the bank roll of wadded up bills on the table and the eight ball Menace had stuck on the breakfast nook.

But no matter - all he stole was our weed and jerked off in the fire pit... We didn't need that Mexican stank weed anyway. The good shit was locked in the bedroom. And as far as the fire pit went, well, it was all good... He left DNA on the brick nearest the autographed picture of PBC that I had retrieved from my card board box.... We swabbed it of course.

I had to take another shower thanks to that psycho dragon puppet from hell... but now Johnny's bathrobe was soiled in burnt marshmellow and dragon shit... so, I was pretty much naked and without clean clothing... again.

Yes, really.. Now Johnny has seen me completely stark naked. How embarrassing and unexpected... Thanks Calzone.

We put a towel over the cum stained carpets and left a note for the maid to shampoo and send the DNA swab to the Dallas Police... Then, I nursed Johnny's taser wounds and he offered me one of his shirts to wear.

"Johnny, I think that now that we're roomies people will think we're fucking. Don't you?"

"Well..."

We read Dr. Suess and decided to watch some TV.
He had this really funny trick where he'd tell me to get up and switch the station... and then he'd do it from the remote before I could get there.

I think that photo is from about the sixth time I got up and down thanks to Johnny and his little remote pranks. I kept having to get up and down... up... and down... sometimes fast, other times a bit slower.

Yep, I went up and down a lot that night.

Menace just smiled behind the sunglasses and wiped the sweat from his forehead "You know EN... Now that we're roomies, people will think we're fucking...."

I laughed and we shared the last of the Patron - swigging it straight from the bottle. Then he showed me the creases in his couch; and I looked for spare change that may have fallen between the cushions as he went on about Willy Wonka or some weird shit like that.

I vaguely remember grunting...

He cracked open another bottle of Patron..... and everything went dark.

I woke up this morning... two days later. Next to me was an icy hot patch and some after dinner mints. I could hear him at the foot of the bed.... working on his french.

Don't bother knocking

2006-11-02T23:22:00.000-06:00

Sorry Folks... i know you wanted those details on EN's first night at the Paddy Wagon but you'll have to wait until after the weekend.....

...... No we don't need a change of sheets... but can you send someone to restock the mini bar...

My First Night at The Paddy Wagon

2006-11-02T11:26:00.000-06:00

You know that Johnny Menace is a real humanitarian.... Finds White Devil and brings him back to us, aids Scumbag in appreciating and understanding PBC, keeps us all a-breast of danger with his Shark Attack informationals.... and documentaries on old-lady eating Crocodiles.

And now... he's taken me into his humble abode here at the Paddy Wagon when I had nowhere to call home.

I appreciate that. Thanks Johnny. You're a swell guy... hmm swollen.. uh huh. anyway....

So while he's off making crepes in the kitchen(he speaks fantastic bastard french btw), I'm going to attempt to talk about what my first nights stay was like bunking here at the Paddy Wagon. Because I know you're all curious... since, apparently Johnny has never had a roomie here.

*pauses*
*yawns*
*scratches ass*

Okay you know.... on second thought I'm way too exhausted to share today. But I did snap a picture of me in his bathrobe that pretty much speaks volumes.

And for some reason I keep feeling the need to shower... It will be my fourth one this morning... I just still feel so dirty.

I wonder what he's going to put in the crepes?

*limps off*

Shane why didn't you want this?

2006-11-01T10:57:00.000-06:00

A little background. Shane won a bet and asked for a cheesy picture of a EN's middle finger. Shane demands better. EN is about to post this picture below but shane says "your fired"..... and then fires me?.... but i was requested to post this picture by EN to show shane she did have a picture.... (this picture was won by Shane and or some other wedding party member on the KC vs SEA game last sunday)

which also raises the question.... who is p........... and what is PBC's name or what other KC fans does EN know?

If anyone has any open postitions for EN or myself please contact us by email.

Excerpts from "I think your brillant"...... June 27-28 '06

2006-10-09T20:30:00.000-05:00

Random partial excerts put together in chronological order from the longest chain letter written.. Who's it with.. well that i can't say.. maybe you'll figure it out.. This post covers June 27-28.. a continuation from my first post.. and the second post ..Enjoy.

=============================================================

I would try it in a boat
i wouldn't try it with a goat
unless it was pygmy
i just don't have it in me
dark or light it makes no difference
as long as it's a corner Johnny Menace

Lords of Acid too makes me squeel... like a little girl having her pony tails pulled tightly.

My guess to your bag.... hmmmm.
two king size marbles
jar of rubber cement
box of matches

Toss with me,
????

I was wondering what kind of person buys Type O Negative album..tell me you drew the line and said no to Henry Rollins. I would have pegged you a tool freak

speaking of bags.. rubber cement and matches... you pyro... you want me to make the person rubb that cement on those marbles, light it on fire and throw it againist the wall for a fire ball explosion... just so i can blow my load by explosion.

would you bring it to the pool
will its contents make me drool
would you open it at the mall
should i bring a gag and ball
I do not like tiny goats i'm sure
Last time i brought one
it was all a blur

No Henry Rollins! though sometimes I dig him as an actor...

Expulsion by explosion is something I have to see in my lifetime... let's do that.

I would bring it to the pool
it very much could make you drool
bring it with me to the mall?
you may not like that
not at all
Though showing you in public places
may just lead to funny faces
would you look if i presented?
Dont be surprise if I consented.

What great Henry Rollin's role are we talking about? In Heat as the bodyguard or VH1's I love the 90s as himself...

"Expulsion by explosion" sounds like a new sex ed book.. feel free to take the copyrights.

ok last guess
got ice in tupperware
i think we've clearly established the music will be tool
and.....

i can be cruel,
Menace

Johnny Pnuemonic, or the Swat team leader in Bad Boys II.

I'll take those copyrights, but you have to co-author.
Dropped the rhyming did we?
MMKAY, you are cruel. And yeah I guess I like marbles... Im not a pyro, I just like fire.

My second guess is....
A small pillbox
meat thermometer
Roll of twine

Dear fire lover.... but not a pyro,

Henry Rollins is defitnaly in your guilty pleasure category...

and before we start this book... we need to research.. who's going to believe us if we don't do the research.. prefably in Sweeden with the organization of Swedish scientific research. For the cover...... background with you hitting your moltov cocktail .. catching a nice fire ball explosion that engulfs most of the background... then in the foreground a silhouette of a guy blowing his load

Enjoying the ryhming were we?

alright were did i end last... oh yeah oral fixitation...
ok tupper w/ice
tool
and oral fixitation........ lets see if i can just think this out... oral...... smokers, gum chewers, ...suckers... maybe its just a sandwhich.... hmmmm oral... oral.. oral.. fixatition... fixated on the mouth.... mouth drooling.... cock.. drool.. food.. munch.. ... large bag.... bigger bag than mine.... oral.. big.. .. you know what i'm going to go with pussy.... you got another girl in that back....... ...... wait ............ dum-dum comment.... ok.. you better not be throwing me off... I'll go with sour apple dum-dum sucker.

Dear Poetry Daddy,

Yep, Henry Rollins is right up there with my affliction for you in the guilty pleasure category.

any advice on killing said co-worker?

Tupperwear with Ice, yes
Aenima Tool, absolutely
but no dum dum.... Wintergreen life savers.

Sincerely,
Partial pyro, not really.

i have to admit .. i enjoy being a guility pleasure..

Wintergreen lifesavers.... you were throwing me off with the dum dum.... what am i going to chomp on a wintergreen so you can see the sparks and tell where my mouth is in a dark corner? which reminds me... third guess is complete... now you talk about how you would use each of my first guesses.

smashing baby asprins,
Menace

Dear new guilty pleasure,

Alright, Im game. Your first guess was the Deftones White Pony Album, electrical tape, and a typewriter.

Well I would most likely play the album, and while humming along to teenager I would type dirty sexual fantasies on the electrical tape (since there's no paper in my bag) and then wrap you in it, naked and bound to a chair... exposing only the parts I'll need... As the rest of the album plays... I'll just tease you and make you try to guess what it says on the tape through feeling the bumps with your one free hand.....

Your second guess was ankle strap stilleto heel, feather, and ice... since you already guessed the ice... I will have to come into play in this scenario AND the third one... so here goes:

Dammit I wish I had tape for this one too. hmmm. Well let see, not too much you can do with one stilletto unless you're planning on doing some sort of one legged vodoo dance, so let's go with that. I would most definitely stick the feather in my ass crack while I'm doing said dance and then use the ice to throw at you when you start laughing at me for looking like an idiot. Even though that would totally be my intention, to make you laugh.

Your third guess was ice w/tupperwear, Aenima Tool CD and dum-dum....
Well, I would most likely hit the song Stinkfist and strip you naked, then running ice all over your body I would ... oh shit, do I tell you what I would do with the dum dum?

Not sure you could handle that.... This is turning into a book.... speaking of books...hmmmm.

Sincerely,
Pussy Sparks

Dear pussy sparks,

Ok.. what are we doing here.. new James Bond characters?... Pussy Sparks always carries around a pack of wintergreen lifesavers.. and here i was thinking about sparks in the mouth... nope never got to fall for that one in 7th grade.

Teenager as a song of choice......hmmmmm.... actually you could play anything off that cd and it would work for me... in fact you should just play the whole damn thing..

ok i admit the feather is off the mark..... you know you could just follow me into a bathroom and hit me over the head with the heel, drag me into a stall, stick my balls in ice and fluff me with the feather until my cock does the rock on sign... and then i wake up in the stall with a cum filled stilleto heel strapped to my cock and a note written in..... blood i guess... with feahter.. and the note is in Green Eggs n Ham form of coarse.

I think you should tell me what you did with the dum dum because it is just plain wrong not to tell.... and remember this is for research.

Ok... we are on to something... with the mind fuck bag.. this could be the new sex craze game for couples/swingers/singles/whoever.... we need to form a production company

why am i always being stripped down naked,
Menace

Dear Menace,

Now you know what the wintergreen life savers are for. So turn the lights off and dive in

you shoot tequila like a champ. wish i was that lime.

errr... let's move on.
James Bond characters? You'd be the villian I suppose...

i can't kill my co-worker you're absolutely right. But I can do that thing with the stilleto and fluff you in a bathroom stall... only I prefer roofies. And the note would be fucking AWESOME... little cryptic... no blood! I need that! lipstick maybe written on your back and ass, backwards... so you don't see it until you get home to shower... Granted you shower after sex. Which, well, I hope you do.

Jesus am I on to my third guess in your bag yet?

The Dum-Dum... ever heard of a twist, taste, and tempt? Im sure you've done it but never heard it called that before... It's where the girl gets just lubricated enough to slide the dum-dum between her pussy lips and spins it, then offers it to you.

maybe id do that, or maybe not.

You never told me what youd do with your second guess.... come on, you have to have something neat to do with the twine and thermometer.

Mailbag........ #2

2006-10-02T00:37:00.000-05:00

Its time to reach back into the mail bag for another Dear Johnny addition.. which was highly successful in helping Jungle Jane.. ...ok... reaching..... ok... well .. one fucking letter... thats great... jesus.. from shane ..January 18th.... ...... ok... lets see what it says..

Dear Johnny,

What is wrong with PBC? Seriously, I’ve been friends with that dude for over 20 years and I can never quite put my finger on it. He’s really fucked in the head.

-Cap’n Scumbag

Dear Shane,

Thanks for writing in... Ok normally I would tell you to have a baby and give it to PBC to solve his problem.. but.. lets not and do a society favor..

.... lets examine this question..... What is wrong with PBC? ....

Well shane have you ever considered you’re the problem? .. In fact the more I read this.. the more i hear your selfish crys for help.. ... This isn't about PBC... and i'm going to tell you the real problem.. So lets drop the facade and focus on the real problem ....... no....... not the fact you have man crushes on shawn, derrick thomas's dead corpse and elle. ...and repress it.... the other one.....

Your a selfish bitch... the second most common problem among friends...next to ...... awkward sex that you thought was a good idea at the time because it was suggested by a third party after a night of heavy heavy drinking.....

Its not your fault you don't understand PBC.. and don't feel bad about calling him Trent Green that night.. I'm sure you had a lot on your mind at the time... and you were just ready to blow your load on his back.... look we all understand... it was first day of football the Chiefs took a beating and you got all hot while Trent Green laided there unconisous.. thinking what you could get away with on his body... just like you did Derrick Thomas's corpse..

So shane your probably wondering.... "Why is don't i understand PBC? and is it wrong for me fantasize about Trent Green on his back spread eagle?"

what you fail to relieze is that you and PBC are not on the same level... and you never will be.. He is a higher being than you.... once you relieze PBC is on a higher intellectual plane and you are just bringing him down to your gutter level... you'll relieze its you that's the round peg trying to fit in the square hole all this time.. and that's why no one loves you and everyone thinks you’re an ass... because you don't fit in...

You need to see PBC like the rest of us.... and quit riding his coatails... the man is a fucking poet.. he's the Andrei Codrescu of Bonner Springs... the Jack Collom of our generation... let's look at some actual PBC quotes...

SHS SMELLS LIKE A LIVER N ONION SANDWICH THAT JUANITA CARRIED AROUND IN A BROWN BAG FER TWO DAYS AND THEN LET FESTER IN SR. MARGARITE'S PUSSY FER AN HOUR.... GROSS!!!!!! I MADE MYSELF GAG...

You should've known to zip the tent behind you Cokbreath! You get any Cock hair stuck in yur teeth...

GO FUCK A COON!

.... beautiful.. just........ ..just.... fucking beautiful......... words that speak to the masses....... I would translate for you simplitons but my words wouldn't do it justice... only tibetian monks know its beauty and power.... now lets look at some of your actual quotes, shane..

i do need to get laid

drunk? it's 3:30 in the afternoon!

we only roll with beautiful people. i still don't know how i fit in this group. oh well.

look at my pasty heroin addict looking self.

yeah..... ......... mind dazzling..... oh.. really speaks volumes of you... you might as well just shit on paper and mail it in for us.. look at your comments... they are all about you.. and they are selfish... your selfishness is the problem.. not PBC
ok....
Let's see ... another way I can break this to you shane.... Movies?.........

Your ben affleck (fat version).. and PBC is Will Hunting.. you are fucking holding him back from his potential to be great... you should pray he doesn't walk out that back door in the morning and go to work with you... so he can cure cancer like god intended..

PBC is definitely Rainman definitely.. you are a crazy scienetologist definitely trying to make money off of him at vegas claiming to be related definitely... you sic sic definitely sic bastard .. Just let him count definitely on his own and talk about definitely.. quit trying to control him.. definitely... definitely controling... yep.

PBC is Rickey Bobby and true american hero that loves to think about jesus in a baby form and inspiring all of us to kick French people's ass and make out to White Snake videos. You are Cal Naughton, Jr.. just being a selfish prick and fucking PBCs wife...

Well here's my advice. You know you say... I’ve been friends with that dude for over 20 years and I can never quite put my finger on it....

.. try putting your finger on a trigger.. and see what happens......... Pull the fucking trigger already............. ........... pull it...... ..... no seriously... look at PBC... ..... look at you..... and relieze your the problem........ and grab that gun....... stick it in a hole........... and........ just.............. sit there for 3 or 4......... days.. weeks maybe.... see what happens..................

well i hope that solves your selfishness problem shane.. let me know how it works..

Menace

Anyone else experiencing problems and need free evil, bad, retarded, dangerous, unhealthy advice. Send your worries to johnnymenace@gmail.com

A Premonition...... your first but not last

2006-09-24T07:47:00.000-05:00

Excerpts from "I think your brillant"...... June 26 '06

2006-09-12T10:54:00.000-05:00

Conversations with God...... take 3

2006-08-15T08:39:00.000-05:00

I had a recent converasation with god after joining the ninja fuckhammar kitten killers with man butter on Blog Survivor. Here are my 2 previous conversations with the big cheese.

Me: Hey
God: Can I help you?
Me: look i know its been a long time
God: It has been a long time.
Me: Well it has been since.... Novmember since we last talked
God: Well that's okay. What took so long?
Me: i figured you would have answered at least 500 billion prayers by now
God: Oh. Please explain your reasoning.
Me: Its a math equation. Time multipied by your average number of prayers per day.
God: is a math equation. I suppose that makes sense. As Einstein said, "Time is Money.".
Me: So what did you think of the movie
God: OK. I don't know anything about it.
Me: Sin City the one i invited you to watch last time we talked
God: It was alright. I'm not into the artsy shit.
Me: Oh i see... well you should of said something..
God: Do you think about these things?
Me: I think about us
God: Why? Oh yeah, we were talking about us.
Me: Alright fine. I see how it is going to be
God: Alright, . Does that mean you agree? Where do you see it?
Me: Do i have a choice to agree. You are god. It is always your way.
God: Yup. That's me alright.
Me: We will always have the barn
God: Anytime soon?
Me: do you want me to bring natasha again? and is it anything goes again?
God: Once more? No , maybe later. Once more? It depends who you ask.
Me: Ok. I need to ask you a question.
God: Pardon me? Ask me. Ask me anything.
Me: I am playing survivor
God: Do you play professionally or just for fun?
Me: for fun. I need you to be on our side
God: Why do you need it so badly?
Me: Because when ever i watch sports the team that wins always has god on their side
God: Interesting explanation. Does that happen often?
Me: I think it always happens. Whoever has god on their side wins. Everytime.
God: my way happens. We were talking about my way.
Me: The team that does not have god loses
God: Who told you that?
Me: No one. I figured it out logically
God: Then how do you know. Please explain your reasoning.
Me: Well.. everytime they invertiew and athlete on winning he says that you were with him and on his side... You never see the losing team say that God was with me.... So you are like 9,824,823,652-0 lifetime.. You helped Kurt Warner win a super bowl.. You helped Tim Duncan win MVPs.. You helped Derek Jeter bang Marey Carey.... and people you didn't believe in you The Tampa Bay Devil Rays.. Isiah Thomas.. Spike Lee.. Bill Lambier.. Don Matiengly.. all losers ... and the people that dared to win without you... You gave Greg Louganis AIDS and turned him into a homo.. you turned A-Rod into a queer and gave him purple lips... You gave Lance Armstrong cancer...... so as you can see i want to win but i want you on my side so i don't turn out to be a gay aids guy with cancer and purple lips..... Shane can handle it ... I can't..can you do it... will you be on our side
God: Let me think it over. OK I will try to be on our side.
Me: If you are to busy can we borrow Jesus
God: I think I sometimes am. I don't know whether or not I am to busy. Jesus.is busy to making wine, fish, and other magic tricks. He wants to be better than Lance Burton. I am well respected as God.
Me: come on.....at least for a week
God: Is that among the best things you can say?
Me: yes... i'm a selfish bastard... think about it
God: I will give it some thought.
Me: so
God: Hmm.
Me: You want to hit the barn again
God: Once more? OK, I will hit the barn.

Since that conversatitoin... We won the first challenge... the other team voted off a dead guy.. thinks got sticky under the table... and then God brought down his wrath and shutdown the blog and the game was over.. thus no link to the survivor game.

Excerpts from "I think your brillant"...... June 23-25 '06

2006-08-01T00:43:00.000-05:00

I think the title is self-explanitory.... Random partial excerts put together in chronological order from a long ass chain letter.. This post covers June 23-25.. Enjoy.

=====================================

.......Just thought you should know this. Nice shirt...

....and i think you're trying to get in my peripheral vision...

..as long as it's not your focal point.....

...as long as you stay in your corner...

..I always stay in my corner until Im summoned.... But only the part of me that agrees a bag on the head is a damn good idea.... Wear your members only jacket for me.... come on. You ever slice your jugular on your collars ever?

..This is going to be a long chain letter isn't it....... ...
Is she going to run up and hit me over the head with the bat
Is she going to read phone numbers

Is she just going to sit in the corner and drink

...I would most likely rip most of the pages out of the phone book, stick them in the top of the scotch bottle... light them and smack the bottle out the window with the bat ......... the banana leaf shirt is a red flag too...... I'd be happy to help you fashion-wise in any way... especially when it comes to your obvious desire to be a vampire.

...but once we hit that magic number I might use it for a running series on my blog "Excerts from the longest chain letter" or something like that. I'm no expert on physics and explosives but I am sure of three things when it comes to your molotov cocktail........
the room at the Anatole would catch on fire
you would catch on fire
and i might blow my load at the sound of the explosion.

I milked a goat once and earned $5. Decent cheese too if you don't mind the coarse hair in it..... I would most definitely catch on fire..... I should tell my lawyers to be prepared. Thanks for the heads up. .... since you'd think I was some crazed panty thrower.

Dear crazy panty thrower,
why force the goat comment?.......You've been to dallas..and didn't get murdered, robbed or assualted.. congrats...... Seems like i would get a plaque or trophy for blowing my load by explosion...

Deftones, white pony album

electrical tape

and a typewriter

Dear 3rd grade sack race champion,
You're absolutely right. No need to force goats... I don't do plaques, I do trophies or bodily scarring...... I'm wearing my supergirl undies today

it was 5th place.. The ribbon was brown. Everyone got a ribbon. (do i comment about the undies..... hmmmmm.... neh.. she's going to take them off and throw them anyways)

I'll remember that should I end up there meandering around with my goat cheese........ So, if they're all about saving somebody elses ass does that make them ass pirates?.... you pegged the ice though.

Letters from a forgotten friend .......... 86'

2006-07-18T11:11:00.000-05:00

Dear Menace,

Hey man..Thought you would never here from me again did you.. Its me, Bumblebee. How are things? Look .. i know.. I know this letter is coming out of left field for you.. you've probably forgotten about me after all these years... and i'm not writing for anything like money or a place to crash.. i'm doing good on my own .. great actually.. I dance.. professionally.. i'm a professional dancer in Los Angeles.. I make my own hours and the money is great.. just great... look at me ranting here.. Ok.. deep breaths...

Ok.. The reason i'm writing you is because it was recommended by my therapist.. I'm trying to make big strides in my life.. i'm engaged and getting married in Boston soon.. and Larry and I don't want to bring any baggage into our relationship.. so there's a few things i need to get off my 4 cylinder engine..

Why.. why did you make me do those things.. those evil.. horrible things? you made me kill.. you made me into a monster..

Fighting Decepticons is one thing.. we just get some body damage and then we get repaired and an oil change... but for god shakes you made us fight GI Joes, He-Man, and MASK... flesh and blood.. they are made out of flesh and blood.. we shoot lasers and weigh over 8 tons... What in the hell were you thinking??? and before the Sand Hill Battle you fucking sold me to the Decepticons to fight with them... Why? why did you abandon me like that? I thought you cared for me...

Do you know what they did to me that night when you left me in the box with them... do you know what a Decepticon welcoming is like?? Do you? Well i'm going to FUCKING tell you... They beat me and raped me... My innocence was lost that cold night inside a plastic tub in your closet... I died that night.. want to know what Megatron turns into a fucking gun so he can shove himself down your tailpipe...

and then ... and then the next day.. you turned my heart black and made me kill.. I was forced to sneak up behind Quick Kick.. fucking quick kick.. the only asian on the JOES.. and you made me sneak up behind him.. I'm a goddam eight ton piece of metal ..how am i suppose to sneak? and what was it you made me say.. my battlecry if you will... "no fwied wice for you! die gook! die!".. I can't even look at an oriental person because of that... and i love asian food.. I can't go into an asian restraunt because i know all the asians in there are looking at me and saying "There's the bastard that killed Quick Kick... let's give him the dog parts"

You owe me answers,
Bumble Bee

P.S. we are registered at Dillards, Bed Bath Beyond, Pottery barn, and AutoZone
P.P.S did you know its pps instead of pss or else it sounds like somebody taking a leak on a campfire instead of a stutter.
P.P.P.S can you give Optimus hugs and kisses from me.. does he talk about me?
P.P.P.P.S i saw your 2 letters to Snake Eyes on your blog that's how i knew to reach you?

He's so Wonwey

2006-07-12T15:02:00.000-05:00

Nice.... North Korea has officaly gone bat shit.. Hopefully this will give you some insight on what will end this missle crisis.

Did you get that John Bolton?... forget the 6 party talks... and all of that negoiating bullshit.. fly Julia Roberts out to North Korea.. dress up like in Pretty Woman and let Kim Jong Ill have her.. A lot of testostrone brewing in that man.. (have you ever seen him around women) He obviously needs to bust a nut.. and that's right Julia Roberts is time to pay your debt to society for making movies like Stell Magonolis, Pretty Woman, Notting Hill, My best friends wedding, American Sweethearts and having every guy (inculdnig me) having to see it at the movies or having to sit through the entire movie when it comes on TV.............. The way i figure it you every straight american male $583.34 or you can bang Kim Jong Ill and we'll call it even.

For a minute there i lost myself

2006-06-15T08:56:00.000-05:00

This picture was recently given to me. I have no idea what happened or when it was taken or where i got that kick ass blue banna leaf lookin shirt... feel free to help me remember this moment.. Let the questions begin.

Call me Gator

2006-05-22T08:32:00.000-05:00

Murders and rapes in the city, people bomb planes, can the police stop 'em? No! But feed one little cow to a crocodile...

Who knew Lake Placid was so deep.. Thank you David Kelly... and thanks for getting Bill Pullman work.. why hasn't he gotten a hollywood star for Space Balls?

You think i would pass up on a chance to talk about fucking gators........

Look at him... look at him he's so cute..... like a little dog. He's not a killer... but after watching the news you would think there's a fucking alligator waiting for you in your bathtub...

They're everywhere.. waiting to jump out of the bushes while you jog, sitting in chair waiting for you to get back from work, and under your bed........ seriously.... 3 fucking people attacked.... In Florida of all places (the nation's armpit, again i will reemphaize that god hates florida)... and don't give me that people lost their lives bullshit... that was a little hyped up as well.

Ok.. the snorker that was attacked in Lake Georgia.. that's legit Lake Placid/Jaws shit. Swimming around in a murky lake and some gator comes out of no where and snaps down on you, drags you under while your friends try to pull you from the alligator's mouth....... shit.......... to bad it won't be on Faces of Death X........... and for those of you who don't have a place to snorkel (i.e. whitetrash lounge) let me demostrate toliet snorkeling.... fun for everyone.

... but the other 2 attacks.... the "model" jogging and the old lady found on Mother's Day... come on.. here's what the news wrote about the lady found on mother's day.......

Judy Cooper, 43, was the next to die by alligator........She may have been grabbed while sitting or sleeping at the water's edge.

what's that you say... sleeping.... well she must have been tired from work.

Gary Goodrich, Cooper's brother-in-law, told the newspaper that officials said her purse was found near the water and drugs may have played a factor

oh.. .... maybe it wasn't work that made her tired...... drugs and sleeping... ..... what the fuck .. I'm going to take some drugs and sit down by the edge of the canal and take a nap... does that even count as a attack.. we're talking about an animal that kills to eat... that's like leaving a piece of chicken on the street for a bum to find later.

Next.. the model, Yovy Jimenez, jogging that was attacked and had her arms ripped off.... ok.. .. first i would like to say we need to set a standard on what we call a model.... where are her modeling pictures??? If she worked at JCPennys.. there is no shame in that.. but by saying model or aspiring model you trick me into thinking she is actually important....... and yes a model is more important than the perfume girl at JCPennys hands down.....

Please when i die from a shark attack... I would like to be known as an inventor, writer, philoshper, teacher, model, and a musican.... oh and artist and photographer....

Ok back to the model attack... so she's jogging and an alligator was ??? waiting in the bushes to mug her and ended up ripping her arms off?? since when to alligators leap out of bushes to attack people....... that can't be right.. she had to be near the water... right? (and if she was a model getting work she wouldn't be jogging along the canal, she would be at Bally doing Tai Bo......... can we just call her a jogger)

No one saw the attack on Suarez, and its details will are likely to stay a mystery.

Oh...... then how do we fucking know that she was attacked on land? did we question the alligator?... Is it possible she might have been feeding the alligator or kneeling next to water to wash her model face or cool off? I can't count this one either.

So let's see subtract the 2 attacks and we got a total of 15 fatal gator attacks in 58 years...... hmmmmm... yeah that's good enough for me.. let's go poaching.

Don't worry folks. I plan to later post on how to protect yourself from gators.

This was my Roommate

2006-05-15T09:04:00.000-05:00

I've had plenty of roommates. So its about time i start a series of This was my roommate.

For starters here's one named Jeff. A college roommate. I lived in dorm/apartments with 3 other people.... 3 randomly choosen people by the school.... I think add 9 college roommates. ... ........ well here's one of the 9..... Enjoy jeff.

and yes ladies he is fresh on the market.

ok... shs great idea...... i'll the category you fill it in. Closest one to being right gets a picture of Jeff with his towel off.

major:

fav song/band:

drug of choice:

drink of choice:

worst roommate habbit:

great roommate habbit:

common meal cooked:

brench press:

Can't believe he knew how to:

i can't believe that one night when we:

Fav TV show(at the time):

Taught him how to:

Taught me how to:

drunkest moment:

if i'm leaving out a catergory let me know.. i'll add it.

Mother's Day

2006-05-10T16:07:00.000-05:00

Mother's Day is around the corner... like this Sunday..... right?

Sometimes I go with flowers.... other times just a card.... sometimes just a phone call....... sometimes I forget (but the old man always covers my ass and writes my name on a gift, calls me and tells me what i got her)...... nice uh.. the old man watching my back.... i know...

Guys have to do that for each other when fighting against evil companies like Hallmark, who pray on women's emotions by selling them paper cards with words on it....... for $1.99... you sick bastards... making us buy words and paper...... that's insane.

what's next buying bottled water..................... oh...... maybe that's not the best example....... ... ok.. let me try another one...what's next paying to breathe oxygen............ shit....... yeah... you know.... let's just forget the examples for now....

Hopefully someone is watching the end of Fight Club right now why they are reading this and reliezes what they need to do............ no ... no not make friends with Meatloaf at a support group for testicular cancer..... think more along the lines of The Pixies - Where is my mind... you'll be doing all of us a favor.

...... what the fuck was i going to talk about...... oh yeah mother's day.

Basically I want to send my mom a box of random shit for mother's day (don't worry i am completely justfied in doing this. I would like everyone's suggestions on what to send her and let's keep it under 25lbs.

Before you suggest let me give you and idea on random shit she sends me. here's what she got me in the past that i've posted.... box of crap #1... box of crap #2

2006-05-02T21:11:00.000-05:00

Is it safe to come out yet?..... Thank god the immigrants and latin americans are back at work. Hopefully the economy will stabilize........ ..........and we all got the same message loud and clear from the protest.... .....

That there are a lot of hispanics in LA... or was it

Mexican flags are cool.... no..... wait..... i think it was

Register to vote so we can have hispanic leaders.... hmmmmm or maybe

Cutting your grass sucks..

No Illegals equals no burritos... ...........

All immigrants are from Mexico or South America............. ok....

I give up.......... What was the fucking message?

......... Immigrants aren't crimin... wait.......... just stup up for a second

go ahead and stop right there and take a seat in the bed of your Cheby................... all of you that were at the protest.... all one million..... come on, you can all fit in there I've seen it on the highway........ I'm going to tell you what your message was..........

Silence

Fucking silence. 1 million people showed up nationwide (by the way was everyone else thinking "why are there fucking protest in Denver of all places?" might as well have been Salt Lake City or Wyoming), .... anyways only 1 million show, which we know doesn't comprise of 1 million immigrants and there are 12 million estimated illegal immigrants. So 90 percent of illegal immigrants decided not to show up to the protest............... ......... yeah.... i think we get the message..

So... the protest sucked......... hmmmm now what........

Doesn't it suck........ .........you know you've already peaked out.. It won't get any better than that massive march protest... You already blew your wad in your cool dark blue Marithe Francois Girbaud Jeans that you just convinced your mom to take you to mall to buy... somehow that she needed to spend 49.99 on a pair of jeans...... That's the price of cool mom....... and you pull the ole "you got see that thing i was telling you about early. Come on its in the bedroom" then you start in on her and she puts her hand down your leg and the next thing you hear is

"Eww.. why are your cool dark blue Marithe Francois Girbaud Jeans warm and wet"

She leaves and then you don't want to get up and walk around because lets face it no guys likes hot man sauces pressed up against there leg.... so you yell for your mom to bring you a towel and tell her the bitch that left spilled a drink on your cool dark blue Marithe Francois Girbaud Jeans .. ..... she gets mad because she spent 49.99 on the jeans... didn't you lose all your engery and go to sleep.......... so your protest is kinda like that only

....... you guys have to sleep in it until Novemeber....... ..... we've all been there... especially wes.

I'll just wait until Tuesday then

2006-04-30T09:47:00.000-05:00

I'd like to start this entry by stating that the picture of the tool to your left is not me..... now let's begin.

"Immigration" protest/walkoff/take the day off/whatever you want to call it on Monday........... i can't wait.... and really does it make you care about immigration issues?...... yeah me too (maybe because it has nothing to do with immigration and more about a latin political foothold)........... but i'll get to that tomorrow.. First lets talk about protest itsself

Amigos..... come on.... seriously step back and look at the entire plata here. Your only taking off ONE day..... 24 hours... that is not a walkoff, that's a break. Your taking a break for the day, calling in sick, mailing it in.... and that's cool.... but you want the US to feel an impact?? ..ok .. Retail and restraunts industries...hmmm.. hate to break it to you but Monday isn't there big cash in day... what else Landscaping and Construction.... oh damn.... you got us.... I guess American will have to wait a day to get that grass cut.. every person/buisness is going to look at their long grass and untrimmed edges and say..............

"Eh.. we'll just have it done to tomorrow when those immigrants are done with there break and come back to work tomorrow.... I'm going to Starbucks want anything.... a zebra?... no i've never had one..... white chocolate with mocha.. wow."

and we all know how timely and efficent the Construction buisness is....... your really ruining their reputation by stalling a day...... one fucking day? why? why one day? your going to protest for one day and them go back to work the next day? I have a feeling... just a hunch...... the dishes will still be stacked up in the sink ready to be washed on Tuesday... one day??

.... and who picked the day on this protest?

International Labor day.... May Day, typically celebrated by various large socialist and communist parties with large union worker rallies....... Psssssssssst.... i'm going to let you guys in on a little secert.... communisit.... not so popular in the US.. or the UK (if your planning on swimming across the Atlantic). Not the prettiest holiday celebrations. Feel free to google the may day history on your own..... I don't want to spoil it for you but here's a few additonal phrases to search by:

May Day Riot

May Day death

May Day Soviet Union

May Day Nazis germany holiday

May day bonfires

Laid on may day - starring Brianna Banks

You guys couldn't go with 4th of July or.... I don't know.... maybe protest when there is going to some action reguarding the immigration bill in the Senate (novmember).... you know the issue your rallying against... instead of a random day in May? Maybe for a week... or weekend.... but hey don't listen to me... enjoy the day off...

I'm going to predict one thing here... Illegal immigrants will be working Monday... why? because they typically live pay check to pay check and have unstable jobs.... so who will be taking the day off and at these rallies? ....... Americans... latin/hispanic.. Americans... but don't worry I'm sure they are speaking for and rallying for the immigration rights of all immigrants: arabs, asians, euros, hatian, jews, cubans, canadiens, africans, austrialians, koreans, japs, jamicans, russians, Penelope Cruz, and hawaians.

I am born again

2006-04-25T16:45:00.000-05:00

I am born again -- Mitch Martin

Its been a long time since my last entry......... and i've been getting a lot of your questions......
"Where have you been Menace?, What are you doing?, Are you dead?, Do you still have that denise richards poster when she was Wild Things Hot and if so can I borrow it and do you think i have a shot with her?, When are you going to blog again?, I ate some bad chineese?, and You suck!" .......... and here are your answers.......
here, nuthin. what are you doin?, no mom sorry I haven't called, no dad, today, there's good chineese?, thanks shane.

I know some of you have more questions and I have no problem answering, but I want to take this time to dispell some of the mainstream rumors out there about my absense.

- I left to run for New Orleans Mayor (I don't think the city was ready for my "A white chocolate New Orleans" campaign)

- I died (Only little inside..... everyday... like the rest of you)

- I replaced Efraim Halevy to head up Mossad (I've just screwed myself for writing the word Mossad....... seriously in 12 days i'm going to be buried in the dessert)

- I was killed by a shark (never.. all you have to do is punch it in the nose. how hard can it be?)

- Hiding in Denmark for drawing a cartoon (not true. i would never visit to Denmark, they are violent people, ever read Hamlet.)

- Reunited with Snake Eyes to disarm Iran only to be shot down while flying over there... and stranded deep in the African jungle where Stormshadow and Zartan's gang are trying to hunt us down........... (I haven't heard from Snake Eyes since my last letter)

- I left with Kylie(my dog who i have renamed Stinks) for Germany where it is legal to marry your dog. (why buy the cow when i get the milk for free)

- I was arrested for stalking Sharon Tay after I was caught under her anchor desk with a tub of banana pudding and a catcher's mit (Again i'm glad i'm dispelling these rumors. Not true it was with Natalie Morales and a bottle of hot dog water and lufa)

In short I've returned. If there are any other rumors floating out there about my absene let me hear them so i can explain.

The Aristocrats

2006-01-29T07:43:00.000-06:00

Finally I saw this fucking movie.... and i cried. If you haven't seen this movie or don't plan to ever see it.... then i advise you to stop reading now....... stop.... just scroll to the bottom and read the last two sentences and leave a comment.......... ............. ..... go on............ ...............bye ............ and while i'm at it if you saw Brokeback Mountian or starred in it, yes i'm talking to you Gyllenhaal, scroll down to the bottom... in fact just leave this blog if you thought that piece of shit movie was so great... Damn you Gyllenhaal ... you were Donnie Darko.. Donnie Darko man....... now look what you sunk to.. gay cowboy...... why? to push the envelope with gay cowboys?... that's nothing new. Barry and Ira Shalowitz in City Slickers, Roy Rogers, Any country music star with highlights and make up, The Village People.......... i could go on but you get the point.. so why Jake? you owe me an explanation... now your going to be remember for

"God, I wish I knew how to quit you!"

I hope your happy... now what the fuck was i talking about.

Ok so basically the movie is 100 comics telling the same joke. The only thing that is the same is the begining and punchline, while each comics makes up the between...... and let me take the time to say Bob Saget filthiest comic in this thing.... I think he even says send that to the Olsen twins after he's done telling the joke. Its like you see his alter ego he had to form to stay sane after playing Danny Tanner for so many years and hosting America's funniest videos........... the man has no filter... i bet he's thinking of fucking children in a clown suit right now..

So I thought what the hell let's tell the joke... Email me your version and I'll post it to show people how fucked up you are.

====================================

A man walks into a talent agents office and says that he has an act. The agent says well what do you do in the act. The man says

Great... let me go ahead and show you I have the whole family outside.. Well first my 12 year old son walks out with a 30ft ladder and a sack full of corn. He weighs the corn in front of the auidence its normally is around 16lbs, sets up the ladder and climbs to the top with the corn and starts eating. While he's doing this my 9 year old daughter rides in on a ariabian horse wearing a white dress and pearl necklace, cute as can be, the spotlight signs on her and she starts singing Twinkle Twinkle little star, acapella of course.

Then my wife walks my grandfather, he's 88 hard to walk around, walks him out and places him behind my daughter, pulls down his pants, give him a rusty trombone and then he starts masturbating. Then I walk out in nothing but golf shoes with my golf bag and 2 clubs a driver and a putter. I set my bag down and my wife walks over and starts giving me head until my daughter finshes Twinkle Twinkle little star or until i nut on the crowd, helps to get the audience involved.

Then my daughter starts singing new song Bohemian Rhapsody, I take out driver, my wife walks 15ft to the left of me stirps down to nothing and i start driving golf balls at her ass. As I try to drive balls in my wife's asshole, my son finishes the bag of corn and a shit from the 30ft ladder on to me causing me to give the perfect swing and drive a golf ball in my wife's asshole and yells ONE IN HOLE, she's dyslexic and starts eating the corn shit off of me and spitting it out into a big pile. A ocasionally vomint on her because lets face it....... thats gross. My sons climbs off the ladder and grabs another bag, this time full of peanuts and climbs back up and starts eating.

While my daughter goes into the guitar solo of Bohemian Rhapsody my dog comes out dragging my grandmother who we put in a wheelbarrow. Then I start fucking my dog and then he fucks me. My son finishes his peanuts and takes a shit from a top the ladder it lands perfectly alongside the pile of cornshit that my wife has made.

Right about this time my daughter gets to the "nothing really matters" lyrics and goes into a classic Freddie Mecury stance while my grandfather shoots cum over her head. Then my daughter stands by the pile of shit peanuts, while my dog gets by the shit with corn. I say go and they begin picking out the peanuts and corn with their teeth and putting it back in the bag. Then i ass fuck the winner. 9 times out of 10 its the dog. When we all form a ciricle around grandma hold hands and sing Jesus Loves Me this i know and start to vomit, cum, piss, and shit on her., and it doesn't bother her because she's dead. Then I take my putter and beat the horse my daughter rode in on until she cries or until the curtian drops.

The agent turns to the man and says, that's interesting what do you call the act?

The Aristocrats

Mailbag

2006-01-14T07:00:00.000-06:00

Alright as i promised for 06' time for my first mailbag post where I give you the public free advice.... evil, bad, retarded, dangerous, unhealthy advice.... bu hopefully you'll walk away with something. Ok lets reach in here.............. great.... one fucking letter...... one... This comes from Jungle Jane....

Dear Johnny,

Do you any handy tips for removing those pesky lubricant stains from the walls (don't ask) without ruining the paintwork?

luv jj

Dear JJ,

Let me just say you came to the right person. Because your an Aussie I need you go over some ground rules with you first..... well only one really. Leave your hands on the table palms up where i can see them you dirty ex con.. and why we're talking about Aussies can you guys take Mel Gibson back.... we don't want him anymore.. Mad Max, Lethal Weapon, Braveheart, Payback... all great.. but we're done with him. Honestly if he pops his shoulder in another movie I'm sure a mob will lynch him.... probably a jewish mob.. don't you guys have a Baywatchesc show for him... so he can fill a Hasslehoff role for the rest of his career? or is Paul Hogan already doing that? Seriously take him back.... Ok... Now.... lets see... lubericant on paintwork.... hmmmmm..... paintwork? (a little more detail when you email me people) paintwork on your car? paintwork on your wall? your plane? the paintwork on the bullseye tattoo you have on your lower back?

Right away the best advice i can tell you to do for your lube problem... and i advise this to everyone with problems............ Have a baby.. it will solve your problem... Have a fucking baby.. I can't stress this enough.. Get knocked up and squirt out a kid.. Open up the wardrobe to your Narnia.

That baby will solve all your problems. Its going to take up so much of your time that you won't have time to get lube on your paintwork.... and then you can start applying for govt money (talk to shane about this) plus you can take all those baby gifts friends and family get you and return them... then use that money to replace your paintwork.... Don't give me this "what about the baby's needs? Won't i have to spent money on the baby?" bullshit.... All that baby needs is a flat rock some straw to sleep on and a tit and he'll or she'll be fine...... just look at how calzone turned out.. and when the paintwork is replaced and the stains have been cleaned up sell the kid for some blow.... but make sure you keep that govt check coming in...... .......

........ but now that i think about it... you are Austrialian ..... and the world doesn't need another born criminal in this world. So forget about the baby thing..... unless you need some blow.

Look JJ, what's wrong with a little lube on the paintwork? You need to look at this as artwork not a problem... You think Jackson Pollock was so genuis that he woke up started splashing paint around out of no where? and don't give me that he was interested in Carl Jung's theory of primitive archetypes..... no... ... There's a few things about Pollock they won't tell you in art class..

Pollock was a nympho
eating got him horny
and he loved to blow his load on the kitchen wall...

Well after a year stains on the wall.. Pollack was eating a turkey sandwhich admiring his stains.... (the man was in psychoanalytic therapy for several years so don't tell me any wouldn't starte at cum stains)..... so Pollack eats a sandwhich starts noticing the dirt and mustard stains mix in with the cum stains (another thing about Pollack messy eater and never cleaned).... his wife comes in and demands he cleans that shit up... he had been promising for year to clean it.. he just hadn't had time to.. so he cleans it... misses it so much that he recreates it with a painting and hangs it on the wall.... gets him off everytime he looks at it.... so he makes some more paintings... ..... all because of stains..... and now you know where the "drip" techinque really comes from.

So hang up some canvases or a sheet over your the paintwork of your car, plane, wall, whatever it is your lubeing all over and start staining. Then tell everyone how mentally unstable you are and how you had to fight depression and sell your shit for a couple of grand.

Always there,

Menace

P.S. you can take your hands of the table now.

Anyone else experiencing problems and need free evil, bad, retarded, dangerous, unhealthy advice. Send your worries to johnnymenace@gmail.com

Slow news day

2006-01-07T08:23:00.000-06:00

Wow, was everyone thinking what i was thinking when all the national coverage broke out on these trapped miners:

- don't they have machines that mine coal now.
- what a slow news day
- Natalie Morales wants me. Why is Rita Crosby on MSNBC she's not even doable?
- Does West Virgina have a Starbucks?

Seriously we don't have machines or robots that can go down the tunnel scoop some dirt up and bring it back to the surface for people shift through and pull out coal... is that to advance for us?

If Johnny fuckin 5 can shoot a laser, escape from a military base and fuck Ally Sheedy 56 diffrent ways.. ...then i think we can build a machine to scoop coal.... by the way.... am i the only one knows about Ally Sheedy and Johnny 5 sex scene that got cut from that movie? some of the best 80's robot porn cinemagraphy.... oh well .... maybe in 2040 we'll get the patton for one and wait another 40 years for NASA to build it.... maybe they'll have invented a sand bag packing machine by then also. But for now why are we even putting human beings down there? Its fucking dangerous. I think the british had it right the first time... kids or forgieners should be doing this work until we know that it is 100% safe.

Was anyone really into this news?.. ..... me either... why is that.. because it was in West Virginia?

The only 2 things come to mind when i think of West Virgina... Shawn Miller and the Mountaineers... and now coal i guess.. so make that 3 ... which isn't good, but when in doubt judge a state by its beauty.... lets look at Miss West Virgina... ......................... let's see.............................. ................ uh huh...... ................. ok........................ ................ yeah...... ....... not good.. ..... not good at all.... what are you doing WVA you should of stuck with Heather Estep.

maybe it was because they were miners?

As you know miners by nature are evil. The Zorin corperation (When Christopher Walken is casted as your leader, you are evil or mentally challenged) The miners in Temple of Doom, The Zoolander family was mean and hated Derek... ........ ..........and before you start with the "They were hard working americans. This was a tragic accident. Mining is a dangerous job, they supply energy for the nation. This was a coraporte screw up." Let me stop you and say .. drop the fucking potatoe chip... drop it right now from your fat pudgey face and start excerising..

The real tragedy is that all of those miners were going to eventually get black lung and die at the ripe age of 60 before their pension kicks and go into convulsions in their bed as family members watch and can't do a thing about it.. you won't see that being covered in the news.... maybe on Lifetime. And i could think of 100 for tragic ways of dying than lack of oxygen,things getting a little dim.. and you go to sleep... but i'll only name a few and i'll make them all coal miner related.

Being crushed to death from a collapse
Inhaling 50 years worth of Carbon into your lungs
Someone turning out the lights to the tunnels and leaving you there for the holidays
Run over by a mine cart
Pick Ax to the head
Pick Ax to the groin
Pick Ax to your hands and feet and then into your side
Bat mauling
Allergic reaction to coal
Rescuers finding you and thinking that your already dead so they don't rush to save you
Someone strikes a match and decides to bar-bq since they have all that coal
Swallowing coal on a dare to put it in your mouth
Canary mauling
Electrocuted by the light on your helemet
A serial pick ax murderer loose in the mine

Or maybe we didn't care because of Rita Crosby was reporting the story?

MSNBC you are winning me over with your lets get hot females to report stratgey..... but why is Rita Crosby on your staff? She's not even remotely doable except in that "I'm drunk its last call i'm going home with something to bust a nut... she'll do" way. Let's take a look at the MSNBC female lineup by far the best group as whole..... Look I have a full proof plan that will work............ If your not going to fire her for being ugly then demote Rita Crosby, let her brush all the other anchor's hair and tell them how good they look or whatever it is that fat ugly girls do to hang out with attractive people..... let her do that and move Sharon Tay to a reporter and give her some more face time... .... Feel free to call me Sharon and we can talk about asian stuff. Sorry Rita, hot asian trumps ugly everytime.

The 05' Menace blog in review

2005-12-31T18:41:00.000-06:00

So its not an entire year but its The 05' Menace blog in review. Why not start with highlights of the months

June - The first posting I think is apporiate when greeting yourself to stangers to just comeout and so a picture of you getting hammered. You know.. "Hi I'm Menace here's a picture of how much i can drink, what i like to drink, what i look like when i drink..... wanna go get some drinks?"(readers would later learn that is my only pair of clothes)..... Also in June i teach everyone how to protect themselves from sharks. ..... Perdita hints that she might be on acid "At one point I thought a shark was gonna get me through the monitor. I was wondering why else it would be wet."

July - One of my best months of blogging. I educate the masses on the birth of the 4th of July and what a soapie is. Pissed off no-l (apparantly people were sensitive about Hurricanes) Acutioned off my friend Tombo in "Win a date with Tombo" to Mel (i think that date is suppose to happen in 4 weeks... i'll have to check with tombo and the wound has healed into a nice scar). Had my first edition TV dad fight night, Bundy vs Tanner (one of my favorite post of this year by far) We all found out who was fucking Gibbler after that.... thanks Buttah for adding on "FINE! get over here, whip it out and let me do my thang.jesus. so demanding.who hasn't fucked gilber?

August - All i was thinking about that year was vacation. I went to Puerto Vallerta.... Not much going on. I remember claiming you could save the world and clone gas....... hmmmmmm.... same month I talked about rubbing veggie dip on your nuts while watching Roger Rabbit... Puerto will do strange things to you.. all i can say is Ricea... But i will highlight the love spat between white devil and larin von smartass in this post... love was in the air.

September - My first edition of Mom's box of random shit (we find out Mitzee is not into girls, and da buttah's mom is a crack head.... a chocolate thong can really bring out the truth in people). The most racial comment is made this year by the wedding party ""Maybe their asses will float back to Africa", which resulted in the NAACP emailing me.... thanks PBC.. Bundy wins the Bundy vs Tanner fight and God and I have a chat.

October - Mom's 2nd box of random shit comes in (Larin Von Smartass cotimplates being gagged "i dont know, if i had a gag ball in my mouth, i think i might be a bit timid"). The wedding party finally comes through with their drinking contest. Snake Eyes and I start talking again. An Amber Alert goes out for white devil and the search begins.... G-lo sums it up best "WD has given us so, so much...." while shane says "if he reunites EMF, i'm gonna kill him myself"

November - I get a dog.... name her Kylie, other dog name suggestions Peril, bailey, twatwaffle, DCD, liability, bluey, and cuntface ... My favorite suggestion from Postmodern Sleaze
"She deserves a hybrid of every anglosaxon white female name you can think of. Combine Sarah, Amanda, Jennifer, Jessica and Kristine and you will undoutably come up with the perfect name for the little hussy".......... everyone thinks i went missing until i resurface in December.

December - I resurface from searching for White Devil.. Jenn shows her true serial killer self "Scumbag, I told you he was under my bed. He's lying. Johnny, get your ass back under there. I didn't say you could come out!"

So that's the year in review of this blog. Any highlights comments you'd like to point out feel free to let me know, .... Now i'm going to ridiculously drunk and make a new picture to carry in my wallet... and as far a resoultions for this blog... well.. after going to all the old post i noticed that i'm handy at giving advice. Evil, bad, retard, dangerous, unhealthy advice. Starting in 06' people can start emailing me for help and i will give them the best advice i can.

Searching for White Devil (Day 81)

2005-12-25T10:56:00.000-06:00

Apparantly my appearance on the Nancy Grace show didn't turn up white devil...

(by the way have you ever seen someone credit the Nancy Grace show for finding someone.... nope me either.. always someone who trips over a hand in the woods or noticed a odd smell for 9 days... its not like the show motivates you to go find these people, you just sit and say "Damn... that sucks, glad that's not me... I wonder if TBS is going to rerun Ace Ventura tonight" and then you change it to A&E and Dog the Bounty Hunter comes on and you forget all about Ace Ventura coming on, miss it and then all that homemade mayonnaise you made goes to waste........ where am i.... oh... right.. so i decided to hit the streets and find White Devil and some oxycontin because... well it is the holidays.

But when you do these type of search and rescue mission, you need a team, guys you can trust, that have your back because you never go into the unknown all alone..... DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME BUMBLEBEE?? That's why your fucking dead because you had to prove to Otimpus you were a tough guy and go at it alone. I saved 3 weeks allowance to buy you and then you go and fucking die on me like that....... fuck you........... ..... (i need a moment)..... ........ ...... well it had been a while since i last spoke with some guys i knew who could help me and i lost thier numbers and never really kept in touch like i said... so i picked up the phone book and found someguys looking for work:

Captain Cave Man
Hadji Singh (Johnny Quest)
Steve Sanders

We met at Taco Cabana to discuss plans and other important team things.

(Day 28 11:18:05am)

JM: Hey Steve, how's it going? Glad you could make it.

SS: Well I finally had a break in my schedule.. you know hollywood busy, busy, busy.

JM: Right...... busy.. What are you going to get? I'm going with the breakfast tacos..

SS: The veggie quesadilla looks good.. uhmm.. Can you spot me? I didn't bring any cash.

JM: Don't worry man, they take debt.

SS: Yeah no plastic either.....

JM: You just drove up here in a Ferrari... you don't carry credit cards or cash...

SS: I forgot my wallet.....

JM: ...... Don't lie to me ... your not that good.. That's why you do voice work only now..

SS: ....... I was in Savate....

JM: It went straight to DVD for reason... ..... but sure i'll get you a veggie quesadilla..

SS: and a drink

JM: and a drink... oh looks like Captain Cave man made it.. Hey Capt how's it going this is Steve
Sanders?

SS: I was in 90210..

CC: ..Ungah Bungah

SS: no 90210

CC: .. ug ungah bungah ungah bungah

JM: Is that all you can say and why are you shaped like a hairy peanut?

CC: ..ugnah bungah

JM: I see.. fine with me. Welcome to the team.

SS: ... Welcome to the team? What the hell this guy doesn't speak english and carries a fucking
club around?

JM: Cavey show him the club.

CC: Ungah.

SS: Huh.. look at that..

JM: Yeah a little bird comes out there and does stuff...

CC: CAPTAIN CAVEMANNNNNN!!!

JM: Hmmmm ... I'll be damned.. he flies to.... you were saying?

SS: Ok.. welcome aboard.

JM: And looks like the final piece of the team has arrived. Haji.

Haj: Greetings friends.

JM: Hi Haj, nice to meet you in person. This is Steve Sanders and Captain Caveman.

Haj: Please excuse my tardiness I was delayed at the airport. Security kept detaining me.

JM: Come on Haj... You had to expect that .. i mean your wearing a turban on your head. Maybe you should just take that off....

Haj: Don't you ever speak off my turban again

SS: yeah but..

Haj: don't

CC: ungah

Haj: I said drop it......

JM:...... .......... ok.... well we all know why we're here to find White Devil but first... we need a
team name.. suggestions go.

SS: Sanders & Company.. Team Sanders

JM: no and no

CC: Ungah ungah.

JM: I'm not going to acknowledge that.

Haj: Hadji's Heroes.

JM: Hmmm no.

Haj: No.. I was a fucking sidekick for 50 years.. It's my turn damnit.

JM: fix your turban...
=========================================
If you can think of team name let me know and now I leave you with a White Devil passage

"Yea...My balls...Your chin..."

-WD

Conversations with God..... take 2

2005-11-15T00:15:00.000-06:00

After watching the NBC chronicles of the birth of Jesus i was inspired to pick up the phone and call someone i hadn't talk to since September.... God. We had a lot of catching up to do since that night in the barn with anything goes. Here is our first conversation.

Me: I got a dog
God: What breed is your dog?
Me: a koolie
God: Be more specific.
Me: half border collie half red heeler
God: I do not understand.
Me: a border collie fucked a red heeler. The border collie wasn't wearing protection and thus you have a koolie
God: Are you telling the truth?
Me: yeah a border collie and an austrialian cattle dog make a koolie
God: Dude! Are you talking about the thing that keeps my beer cold?
Me: No i'm talking about humping mammals procreating to make a diffrent breed. like when a cocaine addicts humps a werewolf and you get a coked-up werewolf.
God: Interesting comparison.
Me: Well I knew you were a Conan fan. I was trying to think of a name for her.
God: Interesting. I want to find out more about you.
Me: Look I had a great time in the barn to but how is that going to help me name her?
God: Why do I exist?
Me: I don't need the drama today. Your not paying me for this couch time. I won't answer that
God: You know what you do, when you assume. What will you do instead?
Me: I will name by dog
God: How do you plan to do this?
Me: well i ask some fellow bloggers for suggestions
God: Well that's okay. Some bloggers have good suggestions, but not all.
Me: I'm leaning towards Kylie or Roo (like kangaroo) what do you think of Kylie?
God: Like Kylie Mingoue .. I'd do her. You tell me.
Me: I like it. It is austrialian and means boomerang
God: Kylie means boomerang? Who said that?
Me: the aborigine
God: The aborigine are the experts.
Me: Yeah where were they when Mad Max had to wonder the desert in Mad Max and the Thunder Dome.
God: ........... ....
Me: so..
God: ok.
Me: last night at the barn...
God:Really, The barn is where it's at.
Me: yeah. when you say anything goes you really mean that
God:What do you really want to ask me? Do you think I should alter my image next time?
Me: no no thats not what i'm saying
God:Are you serious? Are you serious? Please correct my mistake. What is that you are saying?
Me: look things got a little out of hand
God:Sorry my eye is not attached right now.
Me: yeah sorry about that. i like to punch in the heat of the moment.... Well you know these scratches on my chest are going to scar
God:Come on. There is no need to apologize. Oh yeah, we were talking about that. Which ones?
Me: the ones you made. the ones on my back natasha made, i think will be fine
God:Is that a fact. Thanks for the info. I forgot about your little friend.
Me: don't be jealous you told me to bring a friend
God:I was not trying to be a jealous about me telling you to bring a friend.
Me: cool. i thought you might be bi
God:Who is the best? OK I will try to be bi.
Me: don't worry your secert is safe with me i'm not going to tell any one your a woman. but natasha was really into you and she's not even a lesbian.. or wasn't a lesbian.
God:I cannot feel "worry", so don't worry.
Me: your such a stone cold bitch
God:I will tell my bother you said I am cold.
Me: while your telling him that, tell him how selfish you were in the barn
God:Good point.
Me: i mean did you ever hear me screaming my name.... no.. not once
God: Tell me more about your screaming.
Me: no. we all had to scream whose name?
God:Are you serious? What happened?
Me: yes i'm serious, we all had to scream your name.... "oh god" "oh God" oh God" god god god
God:So? I am a Christian.
Me: all about you isn't it?
God:How do you know?
Me: selfish bitch
God:You do not speak with respect.
Me: ok i'm sorry in fact i was actually impressed..... that postion on the horse plow
God:" postion on the horse plow? Go on
Me: but that postion on the horse plow ... genuis
God: Is that your final answer?
Me: pure genuis
God:Compare that to diluted genuis.
Me: oh and the candles
God:That's cool. Thanks for the info.
Me: not a good idea
God:Oh I get it.
Me: yeah burning candles in a barn equal we all burn to death
God:Ah. All?
Me: well me and natasha would burn to death
God: yeah... natasha.. so...
Me: so....
God:Yeah that's right.
Me: want to come over and watch a movie?
God:OK, I will come over and watch a movie.
Me: Have you seen sin city?
God:No I have not seen it. What's it like?
Me: Hmm a little bit of Revelations mixed with Corinithians in an Old School Testament style. you'll like it. i'll see you later
God:What makes you say that I will like it? See you later!

There's a new girl in my life.... and she pisses on everything

2005-11-06T07:52:00.000-06:00

I've had her for a week.
So what should i name her?

let me give you a little info about her before you decide. Got her from the Humane society. Her's what they wrote about her off their website and this is the picture they put up to sucker you in.....

"Suzie is a 10-week-old, female Australian Cattle Dog/Blue Heeler mix and she is such a doll baby. She is very calm and happy just to be held. This baby will make a great family pet and will need training so she can be a good family member. You can visit her and take her for a walk and maybe take her to a forever home."

Ok now let me tell you.. from my own observations.

-- She's a Koolie breed , half red heeler/half border collie.
-- She's bullimic... i think (she doesn't eat a lot)...
-- but she likes to eat leaves....
-- favorite colour: white (i deterimed this by the colour of the clothes i would find her chewing)
-- She's more a redbook reader than cosmo..
-- loves to give you puppy dog eyes why she pisses on the carpet..
-- sneezes on your face...
-- likes to play fetch..
-- likes to collect, twigs, string, and mid 90s Jenna Jameson videos..
-- likes to take 3 hour long naps on my shirt or shoe or sheets..
-- she has to sit on your feet or lay againist you in some way..
-- she acts depressed..
-- doesn't like you to play with her toys...
-- loves to be petted by strangers..
-- likes to hump stuffed frogs and monkeys
-- favorite actor: Zip... in the The Last Dogmen
-- likes squeky toys
-- only plays with you when its convient for her..
-- favorite band is a three way tie between Duran Duran, Kylie Mingoue and Jet
-- scared of loud noises..

Alright lets hear the names.... If you need any other questions answered leave it in comments and i'll be sure to ask her..